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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Edward53
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Finners Finners
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover - it was just collecting dust

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.

bada boom.

Someone's been reading the Tim Vine joke book!

A couple of my favourites from him:

- Two bad things happened to me today. The first was that my girlfriend got run over by a bus. The second was that I lost my job at the bus company.

- I was having Sunday dinner at my boss's house and his wife asked me how many roast potatoes would I like? I said, I'll just have the one, please. She said, oh there's no need to be polite. I said, oh all right, I'll just have the one, you stupid cow.
 
Edward53
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Marvo the Amazing Talking Dog and his handler are appearing in a variety show. The handler introduces Marvo then starts asking him questions.
- Marvo, what is the surface of sandpaper like?
- Rough!
- What do we call the pointed structure on top of a house?
- Roof!
- What was the lace collar Elizabethan men used to wear?
- Ruff!
- Who was the goalkeeper in the 1982 World Cup?
- Rough!
The act is not well received and Marvo and the handler flee the stage in a shower of missiles.

In the taxi home, dog and handler are both glum and silent for quite a while. Finally the dog says - Do you think I should have said Peter Shilton for that last one?
 
U
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As far as I'm concerned, EVERYTHING is fair game and you SHOULD poke fun at it. If you're offended, don't read / listen.

sjg22 sjg22
Best one so far.

Agreed. Which is really sad.
 
Buck2466
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
 
Edward53
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- I'm afraid you've got hypochondria.
- Not that as well!
Edited:
 
SpeedyPhill
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Gotta love those German-speaking Swiss 😁
.
Wenn Sie das Frühstück im Bett wollen, müssen Si ein der Küche schlafen!
 
The Father
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The hands on that watch look to be non original
Those hands look original to me
On second look those hands could be original
Those hands could have been replaced at some point
Or not
 
CPRwatch
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CPRwatch CPRwatch
Give it a year & everyone will .😉
I knew when I posted my reply, in the near future you would like this ...
 
astrand
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This is a nice dad joke to do at a wedding. You approach someone with a tie and ask them to make a bet. You roll the long part of the tie and have them hold it, tucked under their chin. Then you roll up the small part of the tie and have them also hold it, without using their hands, under their chin, besides the long part of the tie.

You ask everyone to bet which one is going to unroll the fastest when they are released by the person who's holding them between their chin and chest.

They release when the person lifts their chin and will both unroll at the same speed.

You say, "it's a tie".. You get Laughs.. Or laughed at.
 
Edward53
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Oh, so we're allowed to do Paddy and Murphy jokes are we? In that case:
Paddy is doing the crossword and is stuck on a particular clue.
- 7 down, Old MacDonald had one. What would that be?
- Obviously it's a farm, yer eejit!
- Oh right. How d'you spell that?
- For Heaven's sake, do I have to tell you everything? E-I-E-I-O.
 
Edward53
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are working on a tall building. Their wives always make sandwiches for their lunch and they sit at the top of the building to eat them.

One day the Englishman opens his sandwiches and says, Bloody hell, chicken sandwiches again! I'm so sick of those that if I get them one more time, I swear I'll jump to my death. The Scotsman opens his sandwiches and says, Och, corned beef sandwiches again! I'm so sick of those that if I get them one more time, I swear I'll jump to my death. The Irishman opens his sandwiches and says, Bejabers, it's fish paste sandwiches again! I'm so sick of those that if I get them one more time, I swear I'll jump to my death.

The following day they open their sandwiches and the Englishman has chicken again. Right, that's it for me! he says and leaps to his death. The Scotsman has corned beef again and follows suit. The Irishman has fish paste. He, too, jumps to his death.

At the funeral the wives are trying to console each other. The Englishman's wife sobs, Why oh why! I thought he loved chicken sandwiches! The Scotsman's wife cries, For the love of God! He never complained about my sandwiches! The Irishman's wife says, I just don't understand! Sean always made his own sandwiches...
 
akshayluc420
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Lifted from the interwebs:

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
 
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