Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays'

Father tells his son:
-Abel,go at the neighbor and ask him to give us his hammer.
His son does so and after a while he returns empty handed and says:
-Father I asked him but he didn't want to give it!
Than his father says:
-How did this world become so mean.
-You ask the neighbor to give his hammer and he doesn't....it is a hammer for god's sake.
-Son.
-Yes father!
-Go get ours.

@staristheanswer I think I have to agree with one of the other members on here (I think it was @M'Bob). Some of your jokes really aren't jokes or if they are jokes they simply aren't that funny.

Why hasn't the Gong been struck on staristheanswer?

Maybe we should petition the mods to delete his lame posts.

@ulackfocus If he doesn't get the message soon, then I'm a +1 for that idea.

I have read several version of this story over the last few years.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover - it was just collecting dust

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.

bada boom.

A little boy kills a butterfly.
“No butter for two weeks,” says his dad.
The little boy kills a honeybee.
“No honey for two weeks,” says his dad.
Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy turns to his dad and says,
“Are you going to tell or should I?”

Because you don't find it funny or some other people it doesn't mean that it is not funny.
If it is funny for at least one person than the joke has accomplished it's purpose I guess.
There are many jokes that I don;t find funny but many other likes them,I don't accuse the person that said the joke.
It is your opinion and I respect that but you and some other members that think too much of themselves,should respect my right to say
whatever I want as long as I didn't offend anyone and the topic here is tell me a joke so that is what I did.
Salut

Yes, it is a public forum with no cost to join. However, it's not a democracy nor even a republic, and your continued membership can be terminated at any time. Luckily, you have to give the guys a REALLY good reason.

I don’t know if it’s told here before......

A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money ... he calls home.

"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog,Jack, how to talk!"

"That's amazing,"his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."

So his father sends the dog and$10,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read ??"says his father.

"No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?"

"Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog!!!

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news.

Last morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Financial Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked,

"So, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachelwho lives down the street ?"

The father went white and exclaimed ... "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, dad!

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school and is now a politician.

-Judge : Hello Mr. John.
You were a witness to the event,can you tell us please,what happened?
-Witness: Yes your honor.
I was driving my car and I wanted to pee badly,so I stopped the car
and went near a bush to relieve myself and what I saw,the lady on the left and
the gentleman on the right,f**king!
-Judge : MR.JOHN ,THIS KIND OF LANGUAGE IS NOT ALLOWED IN THE COURT.
-Witness: I'm sorry but how am I supposed to say it?
-Judge: Say it like this : they were mating!!
-Witness: Okay your honor.
As I said before,I was driving my car and I wanted to pee badly,so I stopped the car
and went near a bush to relieve myself and what I saw,the lady on the left and
the gentleman on the right, erm mating!
I looked a little better,they were f**king!