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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

ahsposo
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You know what you call a girl that hangs out with musicians?

A groupie.

You know what you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.
 
jimmyd13
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peterkirk01 peterkirk01
Top ten Tommy Cooper Jokes.
PicExportError 1.Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

PicExportError 2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

PicExportError 3. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

PicExportError 4. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

PicExportError 5. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

PicExportError 6. A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

PicExportError 7. A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

PicExportError

PicExportError 8. A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

PicExportError

PicExportError 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

PicExportError 10. Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
I was in the car and this young man asked me for a lift. I said you're young, good looking, you've got your health, the world's your oyster.
 
SaintMickey
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my chin ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
 
SaintMickey
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With the Georgia Alabama game that some (not me) are dying to watch tomorrow....

QUESTION: How do you get a Georgia Grad off your front porch?
ANSWER: Pay Him for the Pizza

Works for any school ya like...LOL
 
Bumper
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A drunk woman is watching TV at home when she suddenly screams at the screen ;
"NOOOOOOO, don't go into the church you stupid bitch! Run! Run & don't look back!"
Startled, her husband asks "what are you watching?"
"Our wedding video"
 
Canuck
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The movie Ghandi is being shown on Turner Classic Movies right now. Brought to mind a play on words that didn’t show up in this thread, when I searched. So here it is, and apologies if it has appeared.

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
M'Bob
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Canuck Canuck
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Wow. Now I know what unemployed history professors do in their spare time.
 
Canuck
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This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.
This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terribl
e rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped.
Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of rum. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, ‘Hey, there’s that arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!’
 
strick9
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Woman gets hit by a Motorcycle whos at fault?
The motorcyclist why is he in the kitchen!


I read a lot of these before I had the confidence to post this horrible joke
 
Canuck
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A clergyman hears a loud hailer advising that a flood is heading his way. He decides he needn’t worry as he’s confident help will come from above. A while later, a motor boat is powering its way up his front street. They call him on a loud hailer, and advise him to move to the boat. He declines as he’s sure help will come from above. A while later, he’s on top of his car as the water laps at his heels. Boat comes by again and offers him safety. He advises that he’s certain help will come from above. Later, he’s on his roof! A helicopter hovers over and drops him a life line which he declines. Some time later, he arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asks him what he’s doing there. He says he had no idea, but why was there no help from above. St. Peter says, “but we sent three motor boats and a helicopter”!
Edited:
 
vintagestuff
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A skeleton walked into a bar.

“Gimme a beer! And a bucket.”


(I stole that from a Disney movie.)
 
kkt
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There's beer in Disney movies?
 
Tubber
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Two fish are sitting in a tank. The first fish looks at the second fish and says, "You man the guns, and I'll drive."
 
Tubber
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘Sounds great, I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘ Sounds great, I’ll have the same.’
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.. ‘ Same for me,’ says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’
‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.’ says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
 
nonuffinkbloke
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Mr Lion is walking around the jungle, kicking the shite out of monkeys, antelopes, zebras and roaring.... "WHO'S THE KING OF THE FAKKIN JUNGLE?"
He walks up to the elephant and roars... "hey! Jumbo! You ugly, fat, basstedd!... WHO'S THE KING OF THE FAKKIN JUNGLE?"
The elephant picks up the lion in his trunk, smashes him up against a tree and then throws him in a pile of shite.
Mr Lions staggers to his feet muttering... "Fakkin ell Jumbo!... no need to get so pissed off!... just because you don't know the 'fakkin' answer!
Edited:
 
JimInOz
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Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One looks to the other, says:

"Can you smell fish?"
 
Tubber
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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer. Lawyer says "Mickey, just got your message, I don't think the judge is going to let you divorce Minnie because she is a little weird.". Mickey says "I didn't say she was weird, I said she was f*cking Goofy!"
 
STANDY
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Didn't Minnie get sacked for saying " kiss me mickey " in front of kids all the time.
 
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