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Wivac
·Why do Ducks have webbed feet?
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For putting out fires.
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For putting out fires.
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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Wivac
·I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today but he kept taking things literally.
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Tubber
·What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.
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Nathan1967
·Apologies in advance!
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"
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MikiJ
·How many days of the week start with the letter T?
:
:
:
Two: Tuesday, Thursday, Today and Tomorrow 😉
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:
:
Two: Tuesday, Thursday, Today and Tomorrow 😉
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BlackTalon
··This Space for Rentfour?
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MikiJ
·four?
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palkastu
·This made me laugh the other day 😀
The "h" in university stands for happiness.
The "h" in university stands for happiness.
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khanmu
·Man walks into a bar. Ouch
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Canuck
·I've been to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
First, I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk handed me a form that had to be filled out.
She also wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Oh, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle"
"Do you have any other inventions?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call that?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
First, I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk handed me a form that had to be filled out.
She also wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Oh, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle"
"Do you have any other inventions?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call that?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
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gemstar
·An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
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krpdm
·What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do last night............?
Stayed up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
Stayed up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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Canuck
·IIRC, the previous two jokes were among the first jokes told when this forum first saw the light of day. Good ones, anyway.
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Canuck
·The very first post in this forum was the one about the Italian don and the Rolex. The insomniac one came a short while later. As to jokes from me? Stay tuned.
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