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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

M'Bob
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File under: equal opportunity offender...

Two New York real estate developers see each other on the street. One says to the other, " Sorry to hear about that fire in your building." The other: " Oh no, that's next week..."

How do you circumcise a teen-age boy in Alabama? Hit his sister in the chin...
 
Canuck
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Holes in the bed sheet by Mister Completely.
 
jove14
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A couple of jokes for you:
The FA went to the Polish fans and told them if you lot don’t behave your selves we will deport you all back to the UK.
Plus,
Do Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniacs lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Joe.
 
peterkirk01
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Top ten Tommy Cooper Jokes.
PicExportError 1.Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

PicExportError 2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

PicExportError 3. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

PicExportError 4. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

PicExportError 5. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

PicExportError 6. A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

PicExportError 7. A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

PicExportError

PicExportError 8. A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

PicExportError

PicExportError 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

PicExportError 10. Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
 
Wivac
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What's green, and if it fell on you out of a tree would kill you?


























A snooker table
 
M'Bob
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A young, attractive, disorganized woman is taking a bath after completing part of a home-renovation.

The doorbell rings. "Who is it?," she yells.

"It's the blind man," comes the voice.

She thinks: "Hmm, I'll give him a couple of dollars and send him on his way." Rushing to the door, and not putting on her robe (for obvious reasons), she answers the door, at which point the man says,"Hey lady, great body. Where do you want your blinds?"
 
Mad Dog
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OK...I just had my first colonoscopy today...literally an hour ago. Several days prior to my colonoscopy, I thought it would be crafty of me to sign in at the front desk today as "Collin Oscopy" [my first name is Collin]...so I did that...expecting to be greeted with either a "You're so crafty!" or a "Give us a freaking break!" or at least a "Really?" Nobody said poo...I was somewhat upset since I spent a significant amount of time planning and rehearsing this. 🙁
 
Canuck
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I had a tube check myself, about 30 years ago. A year or so later, the nurse who performed the procedure, happened into the jewellery store I managed. I reminded her that she was the one who performed it. She told me she couldn’t remember my face.............!😉 I told her I wasn’t surprised!
 
M'Bob
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Mad Dog Mad Dog
Nobody said poo..

They rarely do at a colonoscopy center, and when they do, they send you home...
 
Mad Dog
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M'Bob M'Bob
They rarely do at a colonoscopy center, and when they do, they send you home...
Yeppers..."full of poo" so-to-speak. 😁

Also, regarding my colonoscopy today, when I awakened from the anesthetic and asked the good nurses and doctor if they found anything, I was hoping they would say "We found your head"...which could have possibly verified that "Collin Oscopy" was discovered on the sign in sheet. No joy, however...I'll try again in 5 years.
 
Canuck
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Someone told the joke recently in this forum, in which a guy, after the scope was complete, asked the doctor to inform his wife (the patient’s), that his head was indeed not up there! Never ever have I had an anaesthetic performed prior to this test. Last time I had it, the doc asked if I wanted to watch on the monitor. I declined.
 
M'Bob
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Mad Dog Mad Dog
Also, regarding my colonoscopy today, when I awakened from the anesthetic and asked the good nurses and doctor if they found anything, I was hoping they would say "We found your head"...which could have possibly verified that "Collin Oscopy" was discovered on the sign in sheet. No joy, however...I'll try again in 5 years

Before his colonoscopy, a friend, who is a bit of a cut-up, thought it would be amusing to have his wife write on one butt cheek, "If you lived here," and on the other, "You'd be home now."

The GI doc apparently found it funny, because as my friend was coming out of sedation, and asking the doc if he found anything concerning, the doctor said, no, but held up a set of car keys, and asked,"How long have you been missing these?"
 
Wryfox
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MY NEW GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME I’M TERRIBLE IN BED.

I don’t think it’s fair to make a judgement like that in less than a minute.
 
M'Bob
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Wryfox Wryfox
I don’t think it’s fair to make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

You're obviously using that sexual endurance rub-on creme..
 
Canuck
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A friend of mine reports that during Christmas, the family dog became ill. They rushed it to the 24 hour vet clinic. After an x-ray, the vet reported that the dog had been eating Christmas decorations, and has contracted tinselitis! 😉
 
time flies
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For my drummer friends....


Q: What do you call a drummer without a girl/boy friend?

A: Homeless.

Q: What do you call a drummer with one stick?

A: A conductor.

Q: What do you do when a drummer rings your door bell?

A: Pay him/her for the pizza.

Thanks. I'm here all week.

Have fun.
-kfw
 
redpcar
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along those lines....

What did the drummer say before he was kicked out of the band?
"I have an idea for a song"

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
5. One to screw it in and 4 to discuss how much better Neil Peart could have done it.
 
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