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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

StupotStokie
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Paddy and Murphy are walking down a country lane when they come to a small bridge where they see one man dangling another man over the edge by his ankles. After a couple of minutes the chap dangling shouts up "OK Dave".

He then gets pulled up and has a huge freshly caught salmon in his hands which he pops in a bag. Dave then lowers the chap over the edge of the bridge again and five minutes later gets the call "OK Dave".

Again, he gets lifted up again by Dave and has another freshly caught salmon in his hands which he pops into the bag.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says "Murphy, we got to try this!".

Paddy and Murphy walk to the next bridge and Paddy slowly lowers Murphy until he is dangling over the edge by his ankles.

Five minutes pass, then ten and fifteen.

Finally after about 20 minutes Murphy suddenly shouts up "quick Paddy pull me up, pull me up!"

"Great! have you got a fish?" replies Paddy.

"NO THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMING!!"
 
M'Bob
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A German female runner is in the US visiting. After a long run, she stops at a local pub for a drink.

The bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The runner: "Oh, I need a Bee-ah."

Anheuser Busch?

"A little schweaty, but okay."
 
Just Livin
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A couple from the Edinburgh fringe this year I liked:

- I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated

- I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it...
 
M'Bob
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When the punchline is not necessary...

What's the difference between a group of clever midgets, and a women's track team?


The first is a bunch of cunning runts, and...
 
dougiedude
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... and the difference between a phlebotomist and a urologist?

The phlebotomist pricks your finger...
 
Canuck
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The difference between a carnival and a burlesque show? ................... The carnival show is a display of cunning stunts.

Propriety kept telling me not to post this one, but in light of recent posts, here it is.
 
dougiedude
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Canuck Canuck
Propriety kept telling me not to post this one, but in light of recent posts, here it is.
I know... right? 😁
 
Tubber
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Anybody remember the Kenny Everett Video Show with Cupid Stunt?
He originally wanted to call the character Mary Hinge but he BBC wouldn't allow it.
 
Tony C.
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Just stumbled across this one; sorry if it has been posted previously.


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two prostitutes and a future congressman."
 
nonuffinkbloke
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Two hippos standing in a river in Africa. One of them says to the other "Is it Tuesday today?"😕
 
nonuffinkbloke
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Tubber Tubber
Anybody remember the Kenny Everett Video Show with Cupid Stunt?
He originally wanted to call the character Mary Hinge but he BBC wouldn't allow it.
God I wish I had a girlfriend called Mary Hinge!😁
 
nonuffinkbloke
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Book title and Author jokes please??? Here's a couple to start:
'The castrated Russian' by Rip Tabollockoff.
'Love in the Scottish highlands' by Ben Doone and Phil McCavity
Edited:
 
jimmyd13
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nonuffinkbloke nonuffinkbloke
Book title and Author jokes please??? Here's one to start:
'The castrated Russian' by Rip Tabollockoff.
The Soiled Chinaman by Hu Flung Dung
(You can thank, or berate, my great uncle who would tell that joke every week in 1975).
 
IDXM
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Thank you Father, I was going to jump of the building until I saw you making the sign of the Cross. Son, I wasn’t making the sign of the Cross, I was gesturing if you fall, you’re f..ked.
 
Mozziebite
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A man is taking a walk through the enchanted forest. Upon reaching a clearing, he sees a very small figure sitting on a toadstool, his head down between his knees.

"Are you a Goblin?", asks the man.

The tiny fellow replies,
"No, I've just got a splitting headache."
 
M'Bob
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Latest abuse victim: Kermit the Frog. Claims Henson repeatedly put his hand inside him.
 
Canuck
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Charley, a new retiree-greeter at WalMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.” “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,“I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin…….

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'
 
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