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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Edward53
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My girlfriend's been going round telling people I'm a stalker. Well she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I went out drinking last night. I got so wrecked that I can't remember anything at all until I woke up naked in bed this morning next to a fat ugly woman who was snoring and farting. Boy, was I relieved that I'd got home ok.
 
Canuck
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Once a king, always a king, but once a knight's enough.
 
Kmart
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Billy93 Billy93
lolol

Your blatant attempts at post farming are going to get you banned my friend...
 
Kmart
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Billy93 Billy93
farming? I just joined this website. Not sure what you mean by that?

74 posts in two days, most of them not contributing to the discussion... tends to indicate that you're racing to 200 posts.
 
Kmart
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Billy93 Billy93
I'm not but I don't know why that is my fault that you think like that. I didn't put together the forum or make the rules.

Well regardless of whether you are or not, making 7 posts in one thread that say basically the exact same thing is generally frowned upon, to say the least.
 
M'Bob
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Billy93 Billy93
This was a "joke" thread so I was reading all "said jokes" and responding. Not sure what the problem there is...? I see what you're saying but you seem a little tense. Relax my friend!

The past and present walk in a bar. The bartender says, "I can't serve you...you're too tense."
 
Edward53
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

A woman sends her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears."
The husband texts back: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
 
M'Bob
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A guy comes home from work, and finds his wife at the dining room table, amongst a pile of papers, with a calculator, and a pissy look on her face.

"What's up?" He says.

"We are spending way over our budget, and are going to make some changes around here. First: you are going to sell that fancy sports car, and bike to work. It's not that far. Next, no more expensive lunches with your colleagues - I'm going to pack you a bag lunch each day. And that fancy health-club membership, where you and Mad Dog belong? You can work out in the basement going forward."

The husband ponders all this, and says,"I tell you what, I have a better idea: why don't YOU give me a blow-job every afternoon at four, and we can get rid of the nanny."
 
shaun hk
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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza restaurant and says "can you make me one with everything"
 
JimInOz
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NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028!


Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered

"We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !


Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot.

There is no sun at night time!"


And his people responded with thunderous applause!
 
STANDY
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Couple in the local paper the other day made me chuckle.

Sold a mate a elephant the other day.
He said "thanks"
I said "don't mention it "


What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter
Edited:
 
Alex_TA
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A guy came to urologist.
"You know doc it's not me, it's my friend who has a problem... there."
"Well take off your trousers and show me your friend".
 
ahsposo
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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
 
ahsposo
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Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19, in case you were wondering. Here's a story about one of those misunderstood men of the sea:

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arr, What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arr" says the pirate, "We was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the barky's surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Arr," says the pirate, "We was in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship in the smoke. I was in a sword fight and got my hand cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, arr."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Arr" says the pirate, "One day when we was at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Arr, it was my first day with the hook"
 
Canuck
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Guy’s wife had been after him for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, he got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, he undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied,

"Actually, I've seen lots of them, I just never saw one mounted and framed before!
 
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