Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

EuroDriver
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A man gets home from work and his wife tells him:
"the light is out in the hallway - can you fix it?"
The man responds:
"Do I look like an electrician? Call an electrician."
A few days later, he gets home and his wife says:
"The kitchen sink is leaking. Can you fix it?"
He replies: "Do I look like a plumber? Call a plumber."
Some days later, he notices the light is on in the hallway. He checks the sink and it's not leaking.
He asks his wife:
"who did you hire to fix the light and the sink?"
Wife tells him: "Nobody. The neighbor came by and offered to fix them."
"How much did he charge?" asks the husband.
"Nothing" says the wife. "He gave me the option to bake him a cake, or sleep with him."
The husband asks: "what kind of cake did you make him?"
Wife responds:
"Do I look like a baker?"
 
Duracuir1
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DaveK DaveK
I remember they’d drive these fogger trucks through the provincial parks where we were camping. An alarm would ring in advance, telling us to go to the safety of our tents for a few minutes. Because, safety first 👍
The good old days…
0F458F8E-C445-40E3-992C-6BB1687B9EAD.jpeg
 
EuroDriver
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Duracuir1 Duracuir1
The good old days…
0F458F8E-C445-40E3-992C-6BB1687B9EAD.jpeg

With lap belts, at best. A few months ago, my daughter was flabbergasted when I rode in the bed of a pickup truck while on vacation in Cabo. She asked me if it wasn't dangerous and illegal.

She was even more surprised when I told her that I did it all the time when I was her age.
 
Tony C.
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EuroDriver EuroDriver
A few months ago, my daughter was flabbergasted when I rode in the bed of a pickup truck while on vacation in Cabo. She asked me if it wasn't dangerous and illegal.

When we were in High School (~'74), a friend of mine and I worked on a construction project in Bemidji, Minnesota. At lunchtime, we would jump into the back of a co-worker's pick-up truck, and head to A&W. In retrospect, given the way the guy drove, we were young and stoopid. 😁
 
Archer
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EuroDriver EuroDriver
With lap belts, at best. A few months ago, my daughter was flabbergasted when I rode in the bed of a pickup truck while on vacation in Cabo. She asked me if it wasn't dangerous and illegal.

She was even more surprised when I told her that I did it all the time when I was her age.

Seat belts became mandatory here in 1976. Before that time, me or my parents never wore them - it was only the threat of fines that made it happen. Now if I stop to pick up the mail at my community mailbox, and don't put my seat belt on for the 1/2 block drive home, it feels dangerous...

I survived that time period, but many didn't...
 
Canuck
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Ford put seat belts in the 1956 Fords. Their sales took a nose dive as people viewed Fords as being unsafe! In spite of the sales promotion idea of Lee Iococca, “a ‘56 for 56” (dollars a month). Ford had a “Better Idea”.
 
Aroxx
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I always remember my economics 101 professor telling us if they really wanted to incentivize people to drive safer, instead of seatbelts they would mount a large metal spike on the steering wheel. The way driving is today with the phones and nanny tech and resulting distractedness I’m on team metal spike.
 
Charlemagne1333
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Tony C. Tony C.
chees423.png
I’ve tried this approach, to no avail.

I once threw a lump of mild Cheddar cheese at a girl in a nightclub. To which she replied, “That isn’t mature!”

It doesn’t work.
 
pdxleaf
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pennsyl936 pennsyl936
Saw these on the shelves locally about a year ago - truly unbelievable.
Fruitloops.jpg


Just saw this.

What's the world coming to when people are too lazy to mix their own fruity pebbles and syrup?!
 
JwRosenthal
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Art Stein is having problems in bed with his new wife who is 30years his junior. He goes to his rabbi and says:
“Rabbi, as you know I am a widower and recently married again to a beautiful woman in her mid 30’s, but I feel I am not pleasing her in bed.”
The rabbi says “ Art, what I recommend is that you find a strapping young man and have him stand on the bed waiving a towel over his head while you and your wife are having sex.”
That evening, Art invites the pool boy into his bedroom and has him waive the towel standing on the bed as he tries to bring his wife to fruition- but sadly his efforts are fruitless.
The next night, Art decides to improvise and asks the pool boy to have sex with his wife as he stands on the bed and waives the towel.
Within 3 minutes his wife has a screaming orgasm and art exclaims:
“Now that’s how you waive a towel!”
 
M'Bob
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he removes all his clothing, and wanders around the premises to check out the grounds.

A shapely, petite blonde walks by him, and he gets an erection. “Did you call for me?” she says.

The man is perplexed. “ I don’t understand,” he says.

“You must be new here,” the blonde replies. You see, when you get an erection, that’s the signal you want me,” at which point she pushes him down on a towel, and has her way with him.

Stumbling around a bit after that experience, he quickly finds himself inside the steam room, where he lets out a huge fart. A large, overweight, hairy man asks, “Did you call for me?”, at which point he spins the new member around, and has he way with him.

Grabbing up his belongings, he heads straight for the management office, at which point he returns his pass key, membership card, and tells the woman behind the desk she can keep his initiation fee.

“But you haven’t checked out all our facilities,” the manager says.

The man replies, “Listen: I’m 68 years old, and I get one erection a day.”

“So what’s the problem? The woman says.

“In the same time period, I will have farted about 35 times…”
 
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