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M'Bob
·I got fired from the bank today. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her…
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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M'Bob
·At school, little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are keeping at lease one dark secret, and it’s easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
So little Johnny goes home and tries it out on his mother. “I know the whole truth, he says. “ Johnny’s mother says, “ Okay, here’s $20, just don’t tell your father.”
Later that night, Johnny’s father comes home, and Johnny says, “Dad, I know the whole truth.” His father says, here’s $40, just don’t tell Mom.”
The next day, walking to school, he bumps into the mailman. Johnny says, I know the whole truth. “ The mailman drops his bag and says, “In that case, come give your Dad a big hug!”
So little Johnny goes home and tries it out on his mother. “I know the whole truth, he says. “ Johnny’s mother says, “ Okay, here’s $20, just don’t tell your father.”
Later that night, Johnny’s father comes home, and Johnny says, “Dad, I know the whole truth.” His father says, here’s $40, just don’t tell Mom.”
The next day, walking to school, he bumps into the mailman. Johnny says, I know the whole truth. “ The mailman drops his bag and says, “In that case, come give your Dad a big hug!”
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Wryfox
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Wryfox
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Wryfox
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Wryfox
·Sounds like a good time👍
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M'Bob
·A man is at a bar, staring intently at his drink. A drunk, big bruiser of a truck driver stumbles over, and says, “Hey pal, I’ll help you with that if you’re having so much trouble deciding,” and he grabs the drink, and swallows it right down.
The man yells, “Oh no!” And starts to cry.
The truck driver says, “He buddy, pipe down, I’ll buy you another drink. Can’t stand seeing a grown man weep like a baby.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. This has been the worst day of my life. I overslept for work, and my outraged boss fires me. Then when I go outside, my car has has been towed. So I grab a cab home, and realize I left my wallet on the back seat. Then I walk into my house, and find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I leave my home and come back to the bar, and just when think about ending my life, you show up and drink my poison…
The man yells, “Oh no!” And starts to cry.
The truck driver says, “He buddy, pipe down, I’ll buy you another drink. Can’t stand seeing a grown man weep like a baby.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. This has been the worst day of my life. I overslept for work, and my outraged boss fires me. Then when I go outside, my car has has been towed. So I grab a cab home, and realize I left my wallet on the back seat. Then I walk into my house, and find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I leave my home and come back to the bar, and just when think about ending my life, you show up and drink my poison…
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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M'Bob
·There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cellphone, and in a worried voice, says, “Herman, be careful on Route 280. They say on the radio there is a mad man driving in the wrong direction.”
Herman says, “Yeah, I know but there isn’t just one, there’s hundreds…”
Herman says, “Yeah, I know but there isn’t just one, there’s hundreds…”
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M'Bob
·My son was chewing on an electrical cord, so I had to ground him…
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Aroxx
·You guys are in for it… or are dad jokes frowned upon? 😜
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BlackTalon
··This Space for RentMy cat was chewing on an electrical cord, so I had to ground him…
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Pun
·Some Russian soldiers are marching when they hear a voice shout from over a hill, “I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”
The Russian sergeant, feeling angry and thinking it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard fighting and noise, then silence. No Russian soldiers came back.
After a minute they heard the voice again, “I bet one Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”
The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, sent 100 of his men over the hill to finish this Ukrainian off.
After alot of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers returned.
Again, the voice shouted: “I bet one Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”
The sergeant had enough and ordered 1000 troops over the hill. Again, there was lots of noise, followed by silence.
But this time one Russian soldier returned, bloody and bruised, barely walking.
The soldier said: "Don’t send any more men; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians!"
The Russian sergeant, feeling angry and thinking it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard fighting and noise, then silence. No Russian soldiers came back.
After a minute they heard the voice again, “I bet one Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”
The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, sent 100 of his men over the hill to finish this Ukrainian off.
After alot of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers returned.
Again, the voice shouted: “I bet one Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”
The sergeant had enough and ordered 1000 troops over the hill. Again, there was lots of noise, followed by silence.
But this time one Russian soldier returned, bloody and bruised, barely walking.
The soldier said: "Don’t send any more men; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians!"
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M'Bob
·
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaNeed some help folks:
I'm lucky enough to be on holiday from Dec 23rd to Jan 3rd and would love to go to a quiet place, without crowds, and preferably up in the mountains or in the countryside.
Ideally an all inclusive resort type thing.
I intend to spend around $10,000 - $15,000 between accommodation and food just to relax, unwind and enjoy the end of what has been a very hard year!
Does anyone know where I can get the money??
I'm lucky enough to be on holiday from Dec 23rd to Jan 3rd and would love to go to a quiet place, without crowds, and preferably up in the mountains or in the countryside.
Ideally an all inclusive resort type thing.
I intend to spend around $10,000 - $15,000 between accommodation and food just to relax, unwind and enjoy the end of what has been a very hard year!
Does anyone know where I can get the money??
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M'Bob
·For those who enjoy a colonic Mt. Vesuvius…
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SC1
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