Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

RLC

Men Are Just Happier People.

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

� When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

� A woman has the last word in any argument.

� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Thomas P.

Ok I'll play; found this one:

“Daddy, what does the company you work for do?”

“It sells shares of itself.”

“Do other people buy these shares?”

“Sometimes. When they don’t we buy these shares ourselves. We do this in order to keep the price up. In the world of stocks price translates to value, the higher the price the higher the value.”

“Does your company sell anything else besides shares of itself?”

“It used to but the market for our product dried up so all that is left to sell is shares of its stock.”

“Do people who buy your stock care that you no longer sells a product?”

“Apparently not; Apparently the only thing people care about is the price of the stock. If the price of the stock is going up then this is reason enough to buy it. So the company buys the stock and this causes the price to go up and everyone then becomes happy.”

meganfox17

Do You guys know who is Ernest Zacharevic , the Lithuanian born street graffiti artist famous for his artworks on the street walls & pavements in Malaysia ? This is lego example of his work but did you know that mural literally took a life of its own? A Woman was actually a victim of snatch thieves at that corner a few weeks later, her handbag & gold watch were stolen After that incident another street artist added the lego policeman Now everybody the locals & foreign tourists want a piece of the action

ONEWATCH

Not a joke but a nice quote I found on the web
"Little does Trump realize that in addition to conspiring to block his election, the elite conspiracy has also stolen his strawberries"

ONEWATCH

Not a joke but a nice quote I found on the web
"Little does Trump realize that in addition to conspiring to block his election, the elite conspiracy has also stolen his strawberries"

ONEWATCH

No one got the reference? Capt. Queeg from the Caine Mutiny? Is this lost on every one or have you not seen the movie?