Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

An old jewish man that was a business man all his life, was ready to die and he asked for his 3 sons to come fast
to tell them goodbye.

His sons came in the room and the old man with his eyes shut started to talk.

* Abell are you here?
-Yes father.

* Dabi are you here?
-Yes father,I'm here.

* Eder are you here?
-Yes my beloved father.


* Than who the fυck is in the shop???

My bank account after joining OmegaForums.net

why did the sun shine on nov 1?

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

Can´t help to love him 😀

You hear about the guy born without eyelids?
They circumcised him and used the extra skin to create his eyelids.
Problem is he came out cockeyed.

Japanese Restaurant spotted in the main terminal building of the Kuala Lumpur International Airport ( KLIA ) Malaysia

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant". He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

One of my all time favs (or at least one that I remember)



A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," argues the caller.

"Well then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.

The caller replies "Goan f#ck yourself!"

The DJ quickly hangs up.

About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.

When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E...Smee."

The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"

To which the caller responds, "It's Smee again......Goan fυck yourself!"

What did the snowman say to another snowman?
It smells like carrots out here.

Where does Frosty keep his cash?
In the snow banks.

Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.