Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Yes there is, but it's in the mind of the reader...

I bet Pepe wears a Speedmaster in his spare time...

LOL - Ok, I'll try to help..
"...but be sure to be back by midnight because it'll all turn back into a pumpkin."

Three old men are sitting around at their retirement home and, somehow, the discussion turns toward bodily functions.

The first man says, "I sure wish I could take a healthy piss again."
The second man agrees and adds, "I sure wish I could take a healthy sh!t again."
The third man pipes in, "Everyday around 6:30, I take a healthy piss."
The other two seem impressed and he continues, "And everyday around 7, I take a healthy sh!t."
The first man goes, "Then what are you complaining about?"
The third man responds, "I just wish I could wake up before 8."

A man decides to go to a bar that opened several months ago on the observation deck of the Empire State Building.
Next to him is a guy who has already had quite a few. The guy says, "I haven't seen you in here before, have I?"
"No. First time."
"Well, did you know that there is a bank of HVAC units on the 70th floor that has a bunch of open windows? That, combined with the air currents, if you jump off, you get sucked in every time."
"No effing way."
"I am telling you, it is true."
"Get out of here."
"$100 bucks says it is. I will prove it to you."
"Sure..."
Before he can object, the guy calmly walks over, climbs over the barrier and jumps. The man gets over to the edge just in time to see the guy get sucked into the 70th floor.
Dumbfounded, he stands there until the guy gets off the elevator and walks up to him.
"Holy sh!t! I can't believe what I just saw. I just can't believe it!"
"I told you. It is the most amazing rush. If you don't believe me, another $200 says I can do it again."
Again, before he can object, the guy climbs up and jumps. Once again, at the 70th floor, the guy gets sucked in. When the guy comes back up, he walks up to the man and says, "Now do you believe me? I am telling you: every time. Most incredible rush you can get."
"Wow. I have GOT to try this!" So, the man climbs over the barrier and jumps and falls straight to his death.
The guy goes back to the bar and asks for another shot.
The bartender replies, "You really are an a$$hole when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

Have you heard of tragic story of Timmy?

Poor Timmy was born with no body, just a head. However, Timmy had a tremendous disposition and was always a joy to be around. As he got older, he would spend most of the day on a pillow on the couch watching TV. One day, he heard kids playing outside and asked his mother if he could watch. So, she picked him up and placed him on the windowsill.

As he watched the kids playing baseball, he began to feel down. He prayed, "God, please give me legs so I can run around with the other children."
Well, God must have been listening as, poof, Timmy had legs. Excitedly, he called out to his mother and said, "Look, it's a miracle. I have legs!" He then begged his mother to let him go outside and play with the other children and she let him.
So, Timmy runs outside and begins to play with the other kids. But they were playing baseball and he couldn't hold a bat or field the ball. So, he decided to pray again. "Dear God, please give me some arms so I can be like the other children."

Poof. He has arms. He can't believe it. So now he is hitting home runs and catching the ball. He is a natural. He is having the time of his life.

Then one of the kids hits the ball into the street. Timmy runs out to get it, gets hits by a speeding car and dies.

The moral of the story is: Quit while you're a head.

Do You Guys watch Masterchef Cooking Competition shows on cable channel ? The Best is undoubtledly Masterchef Australia but One British Chef & Restauranteur pretty much stands out from the crowd....
Warning : Viewers discretion is advised[emoji4]

Men Are Just Happier People.

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

� When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

� A woman has the last word in any argument.

� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Here Sir @Darlinboy
I got a couple of gems from Masterchef USA to add to your collection. Whenever you're feeling the blues , just go through the pictures. Trust me , they will always put a smile on your face[emoji3]

Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or hippo or even the elephant.

It’s actually a shark riding on an elephant’s back trampling and eating everything in sight.

(I got this from a 9 yr old.)

I was going to write this out, but figured this would be better. IMHO, the funniest movie of all time. Enjoy. The 2nd clip ties it into watches.

When I saw title of this thread, this came to my mind instantly

Do You guys know who is Ernest Zacharevic , the Lithuanian born street graffiti artist famous for his artworks on the street walls & pavements in Malaysia ? This is lego example of his work but did you know that mural literally took a life of its own? A Woman was actually a victim of snatch thieves at that corner a few weeks later, her handbag & gold watch were stolen After that incident another street artist added the lego policeman Now everybody the locals & foreign tourists want a piece of the action I should add that those mural paintings were actually washed off 5 times by workers of the Town Council to stop the public from turning that corner into a town circus...but... Each times they did that , mysterious grafitti ghost artiste(s) would resurface ( pun intended[emoji6] ) & re-do the lego figures all over again.....Overnight !!!...at the end the Town Council people gave up.....!

Ok I'll play; found this one:

“Daddy, what does the company you work for do?”

“It sells shares of itself.”

“Do other people buy these shares?”

“Sometimes. When they don’t we buy these shares ourselves. We do this in order to keep the price up. In the world of stocks price translates to value, the higher the price the higher the value.”

“Does your company sell anything else besides shares of itself?”

“It used to but the market for our product dried up so all that is left to sell is shares of its stock.”

“Do people who buy your stock care that you no longer sells a product?”

“Apparently not; Apparently the only thing people care about is the price of the stock. If the price of the stock is going up then this is reason enough to buy it. So the company buys the stock and this causes the price to go up and everyone then becomes happy.”

Not a joke but a nice quote I found on the web
"Little does Trump realize that in addition to conspiring to block his election, the elite conspiracy has also stolen his strawberries"

another one