Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

dennisthemenace · Jul 8, 2015

A young man walks into a bar and complements an older blonde woman for a date. "do you know how old I am" asks the woman.
The young man tells her that if he can feel her ass he will tell her exactly when she was born. Intrigued, the woman lets him have a grope.
"Well, how old am I?" asks the woman. The young man tells her that to be absolutely certain he would need to feel her breasts, which she allows him to do.
"Well, when was I born then?" she asks. "Yesterday" replies the young man.

timjohn · Jul 8, 2015

Once Britain was an empire, and it was run by an emperor
Then it was a kingdom, and it was run by a king
Now it's a country, and it's run by David Cameron

Canuck · Jul 9, 2015

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the Instructor added,
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,
which I've never seen done in my entire career.

Event horizon · Jul 9, 2015

Two guys playing golf waiting for two women to tee off. One guy turns to the other and says "that women in the yellow shirt is going to take a leak in the next five minutes I can tell. "The other guy says "no way"
Sure enough she runs off into the bushes and the guys follow her and she takes a leak.
Ten minutes later the guy says "she's going to take a dump in the next five minutes" the other guy says "not a chance" so the first guy says "I will bet you ten pounds" they agree on the wager and sure enough a few minutes later she runs off into the bushes and starts to take a dump. They follow and The first guy says "that's ten pounds you owe me" the other guy pays up and says "ok then I bet you fifty pounds she doesn't wipe her arse afterwards" the first guy greedily takes the bet. The second guy shouts "hey what are you doing in the bushes"

Buck2466 · Jul 21, 2015

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches a beautiful woman sitting by herself and asks:
Man: May I buy you a cocktail?
Woman: No thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?
Woman: No, they spread.

wsfarrell · Jul 21, 2015

Darlinboy · Jul 21, 2015

Q. What's the best thing about Switzerland?

A. I don't know, but their flag is a big plus!🙄
---------

Q. Why is six afraid of seven?

A. Because seven eight nine! 😲

base615 · Jul 21, 2015

A bit of a long one here.

A man has been lost in the desert for 3 day and he’s dying of thirst. He crawls over a sand dune and there, right in front of him, is a market in the middle of the desert. “It’s a miracle, I’ve been saved” he cries and summons every last bit of energy to get to his feet and rush to the market.

When he gets the first stall he says “Please help, I’m dying of thirst and I need water” but the merchant says “I’m sorry, I only sell sponge and don’t have any water”

At the second stall the man says “Please help, I’m dying of thirst and I need water” but the merchant says “I’m sorry, I only sell custard and don’t have any water”

At the third stall the man says “Please help, I’m dying of thirst and I need water” but the merchant says “I’m sorry, I only sell hundreds and thousands. I don’t have any water”

In desperation, the man cries “I can’t believe there is no water at this market” and the merchant replies “Hmm, you’re right, it is a trifle bazaar”

Tony C. · Jul 22, 2015

another of my favorite graphics from around the 'net…

Tiny Iota · Jul 22, 2015

Man walks into butchers shop and the butcher says "I bet you £100 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf". Man says "I can't take that bet; the steaks are too high".

And one from childhood (my love of puns started early).
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.

BartH · Jul 22, 2015

Three prisoners were performing hard labor in the Russian Gulag when they began discussing the reason they were sent there by the authorities. The first prisoner began, "I was a half hour late to work, and was found guilty of withholding labor. 'From each according to his ability,' they said." The second prisoner says, "I arrived to work an hour early, and was found guilty of brown nosing. 'To each according to his need,' they explained." The third prisoner finally spoke, "I got to work on time everyday, and was found guilty of possessing a capitalist wristwatch."

nxw1969 · Jul 22, 2015

Which artist had brown fingers?
.
.
.
.
.Picasso

nxw1969 · Jul 22, 2015

Bloke got his pecker cut off while going for a swim

They had to send four skin divers to look for it

nickioa · Jul 22, 2015

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. - Peter Kay

dennisthemenace · Jul 22, 2015

Usain Bolt walks into a bar with a macaw on his shoulder. The barman says " What a beautiful specimen, where did you find it?"
The macaw replies " There's millions of them where I come from"

dennisthemenace · Jul 22, 2015

One for my fellow Brits before I go to bed.
How do you know when a girl from Essex is having an orgasm?

Darlinboy · Jul 22, 2015

dennisthemenace
One for my fellow Brits before I go to bed.
How do you know when a girl from Essex is having an orgasm?

You'll give us a ring on the telly? 😕

Darlinboy · Jul 22, 2015

Have you heard about the new Pappy Van Winkle diet?

I've been on it for a week now...

Already lost four days.

Canuck · Jul 22, 2015

Are girls from Essex different to other girls? I think I would know if they are like other girls.😁

Traveler · Jul 22, 2015

Darlinboy
You'll give us a ring on the telly? 😕

As I'm from Essex I feel qualified to reply : the answer I know is "She drops her chips" ( French fries for our trans-Atlantic cousins )

If this still makes no sense, have a gander at some typical Essex girl jokes - Essex girls are unfortunately known for being 'easy' and 'not too bright'...