Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

A guy tells his friend that his wife doesn’t mind the lipstick on his collar, but she can’t tolerate the FDS on his breath.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am.”

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 am. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

In the fourteenth century, a decree came down from the Vatican that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally this caused a huge uproar among the Jewish community, so much so that the Vatican almost reconsidered. After a few days mulling it over, the Vatican added a condition: if a member of the Jewish community could beat the Pope in a theological debate, then they could stay. But if they lost, they had to leave.

Realizing that they were in a bind, the Jewish community had no choice but to accept. The leaders of the community discussed it, and turned to the tailor in their community, an old man named Chaim. With a shrug and "As long as it doesn't get in the way of my work" he agreed to do it.

The day of the debate came. Both sides met in the center of the Jewish quarter, the Pope and his cardinals on one side of the table that had been set out, Chaim and the leaders of the Jewish community on the other side. Chaim added one condition to the debate: neither side could talk. With a nod the Pope accepted. Both sides sat down, and the debate began.

Both sides sat staring at each other for a long time before the Pope held up three fingers. Chaim held up one finger. The Pope circled his finger around his head, and Chaim pointed a finger right down at the table. The Pope took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, and Chaim set an apple on the table. With an exasperated cry the Pope stood up, "The Jews can stay!" and storms back to the Vatican, his cardinals flying in his wake. Shrugging, Chaim goes back to his shop.

The cardinals, gobsmacked, begged the Pope to tell them how he lost. "That is the most learned, wise man I have ever met. I held up three fingers for the Holy Trinity, and he reminded me we had one god in common. I indicated that God was all around us, and he told me God was right here with us, too. I showed atonement with wine and wafer, and he produced an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! I couldn't win!"

Meanwhile, back in his shop, the ecstatic leaders of the Jewish community were asking Chaim how he had won the debate. With a dismissive shrug he replied, "Well, he told me the Jews had three days to clear out of Rome, and I told him not one of us was leaving. He said the city would be cleared of Jews, and I told him we were staying right here." Chaim shakes head as he started to fix a cuff.

"And then?" the leaders prompt.

"I don't know," he says with a sigh. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

On his evening walk, Tony finds an ancient pottery bottle half buried in the silt by the river. Carefully examining it, he notices that it still has the stopper in it, and there is some kind of writing embossed around the rim of the bottle. Pulling out his handkerchief, Tony gently begins to rub the mud from the bottle, to see if he can decipher the characters.

To his surprise, a thread of smoke oozes from around the stopper and the bottle begins to shake violently. With a sudden *crack!* the stopper flies off and a kgenie appears before him, arms folded in the traditional genie manner.

"Thank you for freeing me," says the genie. "I have been trapped in that bottle for over a thousand years!"

The genie continues, "In return for releasing me, I will give you a reward of one million euros. However Tony, I must warn you - if you accept it, the person you loathe most in this world will get twice as much. Do you accept the reward with these terms?"

"Of course I'll take it!," Tony replies chuckling a bit, "Why wouldn't I want three million euros?"

Alternative punch line: “Yeah, my wife can have it; at least it stays in the family…”

I was trying to get a valuation on my car today.
They asked if the tank was full or empty.