Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Pun
Posts
1,874
Likes
8,063
My neighbour's kid came running to me asking, `Uncle, what is that thing you call when two people sleep in the bedroom and one is on top of the other."

Initially, I was shocked, then quickly recovered and thought that it would be good to be honest. I then described to him everything about marriage and sex.

Kid said okay and ran back to his house.

A short while later, he returned, "Uncle, that's called a bunk bed. And my parents want to talk to you immediately !"
 
Canuck
Posts
14,154
Likes
40,781
A friend of a friend has a problem. He has tickets on the 50 yard line for SuperBowl, and he paid $2,500.00 each. His problem is that, since he bought the tickets, he and his girl friend have decided to marry. He forgot about the tickets. So, he is looking for someone who can help.

The wedding happens on Super Bowl day, at St. Michaels church at 3:00. The bride’s name is Nicole. She’s 24, 5’ 4”, 115 pounds, is a great cook. She’ll be the one in the white dress.
 
M'Bob
Posts
6,631
Likes
21,430
Canuck Canuck
A friend of a friend has a problem. He has tickets on the 50 yard line for SuperBowl, and he paid $2,500.00 each. His problem is that, since he bought the tickets, he and his girl friend have decided to marry. He forgot about the tickets. So, he is looking for someone who can help.

The wedding happens on Super Bowl day, at St. Michaels church at 3:00. The bride’s name is Nicole. She’s 24, 5’ 4”, 115 pounds, is a great cook. She’ll be the one in the white dress.
7054706A-EF20-457C-B810-366AD959073E.jpeg
 
GeorgeBailey2
Posts
113
Likes
245
Omegafanman Omegafanman
Sorry ...... My wife and I decided that we dont want children..... but we respect that some people do........... so if any forum members want to pop round and collect ours they are all ready to go :0)

Brian Regan's joke:
We've got two wonderful kids.........and another kid.

Anonymous:
I love my kids 23 hours a day.
 
ghce
Posts
3,679
Likes
35,700
We've got 2 adorable kids that we really love, when they are asleep.
 
STANDY
Posts
16,692
Likes
47,213
Beloved wife said I couldn’t make a bike out of spaghetti…

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.
 
Darlinboy
Posts
8,742
Likes
69,413
Big Jim swaggered into the bar, banged down his fists, and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender."

”Give me your biggest steak right now," he growled. Then, sweeping his arms wide to the other patrons, he continued, "And give everyone else here a steak too, because when Big Jim eats, everyone eats!"

The bartender and waitstaff quickly comply, bringing Big Jim a giant cowboy ribeye, and porterhouse steaks for the rest of the crowd, who were all cheering Big Jim with approval and thanks.

Smacking his lips, Big Jim hungrily dug in to his meal, and just as he was finishing up his meal, he yelled to the bartender once more.

”Now - bring me a bottle of your finest whiskey..." he swept his arms around the bar again, "Give everybody else a bottle of whiskey too. Because when Big Jim drinks, everybody drinks!"

The other customers all roared with approval and more cheers for Big Jim.

Big Jim drank his Pappy Van Winkle straight from the bottle, and when he was done, he gave a huge belch and rose from his stool at the bar.

"That sure the spot, didn't it everyone?!" Big Jim shouted, and the crowd went wild, whistling and stomping and cheering.

Big Jim turned back to the bartender and bellowed, "Now bring my my bill so I can pay it."

"And," he continued, "Bring everyone else their bills too. Because when Big Jim pays his bill, everyone pays!"
 
M'Bob
Posts
6,631
Likes
21,430
Darlinboy Darlinboy
Big Jim swaggered into the bar, banged down his fists, and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender."

”Give me your biggest steak right now," he growled. Then, sweeping his arms wide to the other patrons, he continued, "And give everyone else here a steak too, because when Big Jim eats, everyone eats!"

The bartender and waitstaff quickly comply, bringing Big Jim a giant cowboy ribeye, and porterhouse steaks for the rest of the crowd, who were all cheering Big Jim with approval and thanks.

Smacking his lips, Big Jim hungrily dug in to his meal, and just as he was finishing up his meal, he yelled to the bartender once more.

”Now - bring me a bottle of your finest whiskey..." he swept his arms around the bar again, "Give everybody else a bottle of whiskey too. Because when Big Jim drinks, everybody drinks!"

The other customers all roared with approval and more cheers for Big Jim.

Big Jim drank his Pappy Van Winkle straight from the bottle, and when he was done, he gave a huge belch and rose from his stool at the bar.

"That sure the spot, didn't it everyone?!" Big Jim shouted, and the crowd went wild, whistling and stomping and cheering.

Big Jim turned back to the bartender and bellowed, "Now bring my my bill so I can pay it."

"And," he continued, "Bring everyone else their bills too. Because when Big Jim pays his bill, everyone pays!"

When Big Bob “likes,”everybody “likes!”
 
time flies
Posts
1,237
Likes
4,718
As I think about it...it's less funny and more sad.
Screenshot_20220201-154435_Chrome.jpg


have fun. teach someone to drive a standard transmission.

kfw

Edit...just not yours.
Edited:
 
A
Posts
116
Likes
66
How many Valets would you trust with your vehicle anyway? Probably no worse than wondering what an 8 track cassette is.
 
Pvt-Public
Posts
2,469
Likes
3,437
It’s been said that the best protection against car theft, is owning a manual transmission vehicle. Unfortunate not a whole lot of options left in the U.S. It is sad tho.
 
6109 More Posts...
Sign up or log in to reply...