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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerI lost my job as a stage designer, but I left without making a scene.
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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time flies
·I lost my job as a stage designer, but I left without making a scene.
It isn't funny.
kfw
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerSpeaking for myself and other who lost our jobs in the live entertainment industry, specifically theatre, I don't find your humor funny.
It isn't funny.
kfw
I understand. Wasn’t intended as anything but some humour. Hopefully we will all be back at live shows soon.
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerBono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Note...this pun is not intended as a slight against any potentially unemployed bartenders or members of U2...
Note...this pun is not intended as a slight against any potentially unemployed bartenders or members of U2...
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SpeedyPhill
·
👎
In fact easy to remember, in 1976 the SR-71 flew as high as 26 kilometers ...
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McKinley
·From a real conversation between my wife and I about an hour ago and that I found funny.....with a little back story:
My wife and I are in our late 50's. We live in Maine in the northeastern U.S. We have had about 3 feet of snow so far this year, so we decided I need to shovel the roof and she will use the roof rake and pull off what she can reach or what I throw off that doesn't quite make it, while she is standing on the ground. After working a couple of hours yesterday we were both getting worn out and stiffening up and she started to complain that her "boob hurt." We were afraid she had pulled something, but this a.m. when she awoke, she declared herself fit and we went back out to do another portion of the roof again today. As we were picking up from our work this afternoon, she remarked her "boob hurt" again. I replied yeah, I think I hurt one of mine too...I did think I had over worked my right pec, throwing snow. She said you don't have a "boob", in a sarcastic tone of voice. I said, "Lucky for you, if I did I wouldn't need you." She said, "Really, just one is all you would need, huh?" I replied, "Well no, but I would just drink until I saw double."
Well....I thought I was funny. I hope someone out there got a smile from what for me is quick thinking.
McK
My wife and I are in our late 50's. We live in Maine in the northeastern U.S. We have had about 3 feet of snow so far this year, so we decided I need to shovel the roof and she will use the roof rake and pull off what she can reach or what I throw off that doesn't quite make it, while she is standing on the ground. After working a couple of hours yesterday we were both getting worn out and stiffening up and she started to complain that her "boob hurt." We were afraid she had pulled something, but this a.m. when she awoke, she declared herself fit and we went back out to do another portion of the roof again today. As we were picking up from our work this afternoon, she remarked her "boob hurt" again. I replied yeah, I think I hurt one of mine too...I did think I had over worked my right pec, throwing snow. She said you don't have a "boob", in a sarcastic tone of voice. I said, "Lucky for you, if I did I wouldn't need you." She said, "Really, just one is all you would need, huh?" I replied, "Well no, but I would just drink until I saw double."
Well....I thought I was funny. I hope someone out there got a smile from what for me is quick thinking.
McK
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RonJ
·Highly suspect ...
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levkov
·Just a warning, if you're buying a waterproof watch. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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RealFire
·Did you hear about the guy who thinks invicta is just as good quality as Rolex??
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Pvt-Public
·Did you hear about the guy who thinks invicta is just as good quality as Rolex??
Edited:
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vitriol
·
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Charlemagne1333
·Had to go to the surgery yesterday and, having stripped off, the doctor immediately commented that my genitalia was shaped perfectly like a saxophone
I explained that it was a family trait, and that we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments
He was astounded, and said, “Well, in twenty seven years as a doctor, I’ve never seen anything like it... Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago, whose Labia majora was shaped like a mouth organ”
I said, “Yes, that’ll be our Monica... ”
I explained that it was a family trait, and that we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments
He was astounded, and said, “Well, in twenty seven years as a doctor, I’ve never seen anything like it... Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago, whose Labia majora was shaped like a mouth organ”
I said, “Yes, that’ll be our Monica... ”
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Engee
·"I am not a cat" is exactly the sort of thing a cat pretending to be a lawyer would say.
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CPRwatch
·Had to go to the surgery yesterday and, having stripped off, the doctor immediately commented that my genitalia was shaped perfectly like a saxophone
I explained that it was a family trait, and that we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments
He was astounded, and said, “Well, in twenty seven years as a doctor, I’ve never seen anything like it... Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago, whose Labia majora was shaped like a mouth organ”
I said, “Yes, that’ll be our Monica... ”
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DaveK
··Yoda of Yodelers
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Sergeant Wilson was appalled that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following Saturday night leave.
As he waited, pacing impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.
“Sir, sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.
“Soldier, this better be good!” Wilson responded with a scowl.
So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story, “Sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end I had to run 10 miles but here I am now sir!"
Sergeant Wilson was skeptical about the soldier’s explanation but at least he’d made it back to camp, so he decided to let the soldier off the hook for now.
A couple minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson’s men ran up to the camp gates, all panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each of them told the very same story.
“Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end I had to run 10 miles but I am here now,” each soldier repeated in turn.
Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously but since he’d decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them too - at least until drills the next day, where he'd get his full due - and more.
A few minutes later the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, huffing and puffing heavily.
“And where have you been?” snapped Sergeant Wilson, raising his eyebrows and gritting his teeth.
The soldier quickly responded, “Sir, sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but….”
Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately and screamed, “Let me guess soldier.... It broke down?”
“Sir, no, sir!” said the soldier, “It's just that here were so many dead horses on the road - it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all!”
As he waited, pacing impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.
“Sir, sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.
“Soldier, this better be good!” Wilson responded with a scowl.
So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story, “Sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end I had to run 10 miles but here I am now sir!"
Sergeant Wilson was skeptical about the soldier’s explanation but at least he’d made it back to camp, so he decided to let the soldier off the hook for now.
A couple minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson’s men ran up to the camp gates, all panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each of them told the very same story.
“Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end I had to run 10 miles but I am here now,” each soldier repeated in turn.
Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously but since he’d decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them too - at least until drills the next day, where he'd get his full due - and more.
A few minutes later the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, huffing and puffing heavily.
“And where have you been?” snapped Sergeant Wilson, raising his eyebrows and gritting his teeth.
The soldier quickly responded, “Sir, sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but….”
Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately and screamed, “Let me guess soldier.... It broke down?”
“Sir, no, sir!” said the soldier, “It's just that here were so many dead horses on the road - it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all!”
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