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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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ExpiredWatchdog
·using this on my kids tonight!! lol
Yeah, I tried it out on my kids last weekend (Facetime family meeting). Son goes "Dad joke!"
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaA farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.
The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
“Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.
“The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.
“Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.
“Yes, indeed sir”.
“Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”
The obituary was duly printed:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
“Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.
“The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.
“Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.
“Yes, indeed sir”.
“Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”
The obituary was duly printed:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
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rob#1
·A couple met in Myrtle Beach and fell in love.
They were discussing how to continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said, “ I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”
“Well,” she said, “ since you’re being honest, so will I. I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” he said pensively. Then, he smiled:
“It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
They were discussing how to continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said, “ I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”
“Well,” she said, “ since you’re being honest, so will I. I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” he said pensively. Then, he smiled:
“It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
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pongster
·*CONTEMPORARY KIDDING*
♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.
✋- Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver .... ever!
- Quarantine seems like a Netflix series .... just when you think it is over, they release the next season.
- I’m starting to like this mask thing .... went to the supermarket and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me.
- Who was complaining that 2020 didn’t have enough holidays .... now what?
- I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!
- Can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family .... or we can change?
- In just two weeks we will hear if there are still two more weeks to let us know that two more weeks of quarantine are needed ....
⏳- I’m planning on not adding this year 2020 to my age .... I didn’t even use it!
- We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.
♀- To all the ladies that were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them .... how are you doing?
- My washing machine only accepts pajamas .... I put in a pair of jeans and a message came “stay home!"
- If I see anyone on December 31 crying for this year ending, I will use a bottle to their head!
- After all that we have been through, the only thing missing is that the vaccine will be available only in suppository form.
- I feel like a teenager .... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded home.
Smile, release stress, and be safe!
♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.
✋- Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver .... ever!
- Quarantine seems like a Netflix series .... just when you think it is over, they release the next season.
- I’m starting to like this mask thing .... went to the supermarket and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me.
- Who was complaining that 2020 didn’t have enough holidays .... now what?
- I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!
- Can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family .... or we can change?
- In just two weeks we will hear if there are still two more weeks to let us know that two more weeks of quarantine are needed ....
⏳- I’m planning on not adding this year 2020 to my age .... I didn’t even use it!
- We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.
♀- To all the ladies that were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them .... how are you doing?
- My washing machine only accepts pajamas .... I put in a pair of jeans and a message came “stay home!"
- If I see anyone on December 31 crying for this year ending, I will use a bottle to their head!
- After all that we have been through, the only thing missing is that the vaccine will be available only in suppository form.
- I feel like a teenager .... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded home.
Smile, release stress, and be safe!
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- 1,238
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time flies
·P pongster*CONTEMPORARY KIDDING*
♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.
✋- Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver .... ever!
- Quarantine seems like a Netflix series .... just when you think it is over, they release the next season.
- I’m starting to like this mask thing .... went to the supermarket and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me.
- Who was complaining that 2020 didn’t have enough holidays .... now what?
- I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!
- Can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family .... or we can change?
- In just two weeks we will hear if there are still two more weeks to let us know that two more weeks of quarantine are needed ....
⏳- I’m planning on not adding this year 2020 to my age .... I didn’t even use it!
- We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.
♀- To all the ladies that were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them .... how are you doing?
- My washing machine only accepts pajamas .... I put in a pair of jeans and a message came “stay home!"
- If I see anyone on December 31 crying for this year ending, I will use a bottle to their head!
- After all that we have been through, the only thing missing is that the vaccine will be available only in suppository form.
- I feel like a teenager .... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded home.
Smile, release stress, and be safe!
have fun
kfw
Edited:
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Rodentman
·Existential sombrero
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BrianPankow
·My watchmaker skills are lacking but I can sweep, cook and will have 100 hummingbirds at your feeders within a year!
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UncleBuck
··understands the decision making hierarchyClean and fresh are my #1 secrets to attract anything!
I bring my nectar to a boil and use only cane sugar, no beet sugar.
Glass feeders that clean easily and never let the nectar get old, 2 days max.
I have some good videos saved in "pictures" but I can't get them to load.
My computer skills qualify this post for the joke thread.
A fairly rare "Leucistic" Ruby Throat.
Sorry to hijack the thread.
I bring my nectar to a boil and use only cane sugar, no beet sugar.
Glass feeders that clean easily and never let the nectar get old, 2 days max.
I have some good videos saved in "pictures" but I can't get them to load.
My computer skills qualify this post for the joke thread.
A fairly rare "Leucistic" Ruby Throat.
Sorry to hijack the thread.
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nimzotech
·Are only PG jokes allowed?
What did the blind man say as he walked by the fish market?
What did the blind man say as he walked by the fish market?
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pongster
·
not mine. but i have always dreamed of having my own late night talk show.
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vitriol
·
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