Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He ran in to the bank shouting “Air in the hands motherstickers this is a fuck-up!”
Another attempt to cross language barriers: What is the difference between an aligator? ... It swims in water and runs on land.
What is the difference between a duck? It’s one eyes are both the same. —————————————————- Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It is! It runs in your genes. —————————————————- I’m not as green as I am cabbage looking. ———————————————-+—- Sounds as though there’s enough nonsensical non-jokes around to start a new thread!
A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks." "Yes, sir!" answers Buddy. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?" Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor "Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME! I haven't seen a man in over two years "Lard tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?” "I put drops in her eyes!!"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” "We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!” “Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.” "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.” "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!” "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.” "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..” "Oh, really! What'd he say?” He said: "Who f.....d up your hair?
So these four engineers are driving to a conference when their car suddenly quits running. They coast over to the shoulder and discuss what to do next. The driver is a chemical engineer and says it must be a fuel problem. The front seat passenger is a mechanical engineer and says no, it must be a problem with the pistons or clutch. One of the guys in the back is an electrical engineer and says they are both wrong, it has got to be the spark plugs. The fourth passenger is a software engineer. He's quiet for a minute and then says, "I've got it! Everybody, out of the car and then get back in!"
Frank and Joe were sitting in a bar when their friend Tony ran in, late for their session. "You'll never say what happened," said Tony excitedly. "I just saw a UFO in the sky outside!" "Holy crap!" said Fred, jumping up, "what a coincidence!” "Joe here and me were JUST talking about...." "What a dumbass you are!" Do you believe? The truth is out there.
One day a man dug 12ft hole with his metal detector without realising it was his steel toe safety boots.
Arrested for laughing. They say it is from an actual trial in the UK. A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat & he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on him. In the court the man's defense was:- When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon - The unknown boon". I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:- "William's stick did the trick". Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident". The case was dismissed.