Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

He got the boot? Good! I like jokes, and even dirty, filthy jokes, as well as the next guy. But his stuff was just plain not funny.
I recall the same douche bag once threatened another member with the online equivalent of “let’s meet outside”, warning that he carried a gun.
Anyway, good riddance, and thank you again from all of us.

A snail was attacked by a gang of turtles. When questioned later by the police as to what happened, he replied,
“I don’t know. It all happened so fast…”

?? who got the boot

I'm guessing someone with a motor-related name (flat 6? straight-5? Hemi???????)

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am".

"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know."

"That would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be someone in senior management."

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

The Three Kick Rule

A big city hard-nosed trial lawyer went duck hunting on a friend’s farm. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a neighbouring farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am regarded as one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you.”

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer gasping for air. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Tom Hanks survived:

- a plane crash and then as castaway for a year..
- a tour in Vietnam and then saving Lt Dan...
- Apollo 13 after the spacecraft was damaged...
- while living in an airport terminal for years...
- an emergency landing in the Hudson river saving all crew and passengers...
- East Berlin during the Cold War as he negotiated the release of an American spy plane pilot..

now, if he does not survive Covid 19, many of us will be screwed....

😀

Thanks to the moderators for pulling that tasteless post regarding corona virus.

Free test and in the Aussie health system, he will be fine 👍