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Charlemagne1333
·Sex is like a bank account:
You lose interest when you withdraw
You lose interest when you withdraw
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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ExpiredWatchdog
·Hopefully this one won't get taken down unlike the last one (one of the tackiest jokes I know).
So I like to walk into a bar full of rednecks who are chewing tobacco and pull a bag of raisins, place a generous gob in my mouth. Soon I get a nice quantity of appropriately colored saliva, which I spit into the can a few times.
Then I exclaim loudly "Where I come from we are man enough to swallow our chew when we finish" and proceed to do so.
So all those rednecks, not to be outdone...
So I like to walk into a bar full of rednecks who are chewing tobacco and pull a bag of raisins, place a generous gob in my mouth. Soon I get a nice quantity of appropriately colored saliva, which I spit into the can a few times.
Then I exclaim loudly "Where I come from we are man enough to swallow our chew when we finish" and proceed to do so.
So all those rednecks, not to be outdone...
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Charlemagne1333
·Hopefully this one won't get taken down unlike the last one (one of the tackiest jokes I know).
So I like to walk into a bar full of rednecks who are chewing tobacco and pull a bag of raisins, place a generous gob in my mouth. Soon I get a nice quantity of appropriately colored saliva, which I spit into the can a few times.
Then I exclaim loudly "Where I come from we are man enough to swallow our chew when we finish" and proceed to do so.
So all those rednecks, not to be outdone...
Talking of raisins..
When I was in junior school I was the teacher’s pet, and every morning I’d bring her a fresh bag of raisins. I did this for two years and then suddenly stopped. The teacher asked me why I no longer brought her any raisins.
I said my rabbit died
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pongster
·A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want and I don’t want any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner on the table, unless I tell you I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex in this house at seven every night, whether you are here or not.”
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want and I don’t want any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner on the table, unless I tell you I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex in this house at seven every night, whether you are here or not.”
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jove14
·Hi, All.
Not strictly a joke but still it’s very funny.
It was the early seventies and I was courting a young woman and I was keen to impress so I took her to a newly opened Indian restaurant.
It wasn’t too far from home so we were quickly scanning the menu in the window.
Both of us hadn’t tried Indian meals before so we opted for a nice sounding English meal of Young Chicken and Chips with Vegetables.
We went in and we were shown to our table and we both ordered the same meal and then our drinks.
A few minutes later the drinks arrived and very soon the meals followed.
Needless to say we were both stunned when we were served with.... Egg Chips and Peas!!
I suppose Young Chicken is open to interpretation or it sort of got lost somewhere in translation.
It was an eggcelent meal all the same.
And no I didn’t impress her as I never saw her again after that!
Joe.
Not strictly a joke but still it’s very funny.
It was the early seventies and I was courting a young woman and I was keen to impress so I took her to a newly opened Indian restaurant.
It wasn’t too far from home so we were quickly scanning the menu in the window.
Both of us hadn’t tried Indian meals before so we opted for a nice sounding English meal of Young Chicken and Chips with Vegetables.
We went in and we were shown to our table and we both ordered the same meal and then our drinks.
A few minutes later the drinks arrived and very soon the meals followed.
Needless to say we were both stunned when we were served with.... Egg Chips and Peas!!
I suppose Young Chicken is open to interpretation or it sort of got lost somewhere in translation.
It was an eggcelent meal all the same.
And no I didn’t impress her as I never saw her again after that!
Joe.
Edited:
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03Hemi
·It's always a shame when people lose the ability to laugh at oneself, one of the problems we're having here today. So you live in Chicago?
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Vercingetorix
··Spam RiskIt's always a shame to see a good group of people with one or two hate-filled misogynists/bigots/etc. I will report any future posts that express hatred and malice toward anyone or any group. If you're near Chicago and want to speak to me in person, send me a message.
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IanMc
·Poor man with no arms and legs goes to a brothel, knocks on the front door and patiently waits in his wheelchair.
The madam opens the door, takes one look and says "what are you coming here for, you've got no arms and no legs - you can't be serious".
The man replied - "well, I knocked on the door, didn't I"
The madam opens the door, takes one look and says "what are you coming here for, you've got no arms and no legs - you can't be serious".
The man replied - "well, I knocked on the door, didn't I"
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaMy latest watch joke. Be gentle. I'm fragile. (not the joke).........................
Not bad, but "cross that bridge" is the benchmark. 😁
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CPRwatch
·All these watch jokes are starting to wind me up ....
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lindo
·One for all the old farts on OF:
An old guy asked his doctor to do something for his wind. ‘It seems uncontrollable, doctor! Every four minutes, like clockwork, all through the day and night. The only consolation I have is that it makes no sound and no smell – can you help me?’
The doctor asked him the usual questions about diet and bowel, then gave him a prescription. ‘Come back next week and tell me how you have been going.’
The old guy returned a week later in great distress. ‘Those pills are no good, doctor – every time I fart it has an awful smell. I have to leave the room to get away from myself, and I dare not go out to visit friends. What can you do?’
The doctor smiled and said, ‘It looks like we have cleared up your sinuses. Let’s see if we can do something about your hearing.’
An old guy asked his doctor to do something for his wind. ‘It seems uncontrollable, doctor! Every four minutes, like clockwork, all through the day and night. The only consolation I have is that it makes no sound and no smell – can you help me?’
The doctor asked him the usual questions about diet and bowel, then gave him a prescription. ‘Come back next week and tell me how you have been going.’
The old guy returned a week later in great distress. ‘Those pills are no good, doctor – every time I fart it has an awful smell. I have to leave the room to get away from myself, and I dare not go out to visit friends. What can you do?’
The doctor smiled and said, ‘It looks like we have cleared up your sinuses. Let’s see if we can do something about your hearing.’
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Canuck
·The guy who installed a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, did it because he felt it was a shame to have the inclination, but not to have the time!😁
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Wryfox
·
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Pun
·Women are so difficult . Always changing their taste...
At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want matured men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50 ,they want faithful men.
Men are very simple.. Never change their taste...on any changing condition.
At 18, they like pretty young girls.
At 25, they like pretty young girls.
At 30, they like pretty young girls.
At 40, they like pretty young girls.
At 50, they still like pretty young girls
Devoted to all dedicated Men..
At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want matured men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50 ,they want faithful men.
Men are very simple.. Never change their taste...on any changing condition.
At 18, they like pretty young girls.
At 25, they like pretty young girls.
At 30, they like pretty young girls.
At 40, they like pretty young girls.
At 50, they still like pretty young girls
Devoted to all dedicated Men..
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chronos
·A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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MoclovFlop
·A woman goes to buy a parrot since her last one died.
She goes to the pet store and sees one that's only $20. Confused by the major discount, she asks the shop owners why it's so cheap.
"Oh, it used to live in a brothel so it has a bit of an offensive vocabulary"
She responds: "Oh that's ok, I'm no prude and could use a laugh, I'll take him"
Placing the bird in his new cage at home, it immediately perked up: " Wow, new brothel, new madam, this is great!"
The women, a bit surprised, just smiles and goes about her day.
Later in the day her daughter comes home and the bird perks up again: " Wow, new brothel, new madam, and beautiful new girls, this is great!"
They both laugh and continue on their day.
Later that night, the husband comes home and with a loud announcement, the bird perks up again: "Hey Steve! You found the new place!"
She goes to the pet store and sees one that's only $20. Confused by the major discount, she asks the shop owners why it's so cheap.
"Oh, it used to live in a brothel so it has a bit of an offensive vocabulary"
She responds: "Oh that's ok, I'm no prude and could use a laugh, I'll take him"
Placing the bird in his new cage at home, it immediately perked up: " Wow, new brothel, new madam, this is great!"
The women, a bit surprised, just smiles and goes about her day.
Later in the day her daughter comes home and the bird perks up again: " Wow, new brothel, new madam, and beautiful new girls, this is great!"
They both laugh and continue on their day.
Later that night, the husband comes home and with a loud announcement, the bird perks up again: "Hey Steve! You found the new place!"
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STANDY
··schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collectorOne day after a man had been for his annual physical, the doctor came out and said - You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?
Well, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.
That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?
Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.
Well, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.
That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?
Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.
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STANDY
··schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collectorLast year I had a great idea for making life easier for people. I wanted to use nerve tissue from the skills of farm raised rabbits to build a device that can automate common household tasks. Since this tissue is typically disposed of as useless it would be a revolutionary development at almost no cost. Unfortunately, my kick start campaign failed. Apparently people just thought of it as a nothing more than a hare brain scheme.
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Edward53
·When can a chicken run faster than a politician?
When it's a cacciatore.
When it's a cacciatore.
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pongster
·Last year I had a great idea for making life easier for people. I wanted to use nerve tissue from the skulls of farm raised rabbits to build a device that can automate common household tasks. Since this tissue is typically disposed of as useless it would be a revolutionary development at almost no cost. Unfortunately, my kick start campaign failed. Apparently people just thought of it as a nothing more than a hare brain scheme.
Nice one. FIFY.