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Breakup advice...

  1. 64Wing

    64Wing Jun 22, 2020

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    Five years. Thought everything was fine, but she fell out of love and revealed it like a light switch.

    The numbness is unreal.

    I'm not vain enough to think I'm the only person to ever have this happen to them.

    I need to hear some wisdom
     
  2. Walrus

    Walrus Jun 22, 2020

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    Damn dude sorry to hear that. Wish I had words of wisdom to make things sting less put it’s painful no matter how you slice it. Take care of yourself we never know what tomorrow will bring.
     
  3. Larry S

    Larry S Color Commentator for the Hyperbole. Jun 22, 2020

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    Love is temporary. Friendship combined with love is more permanent. You need to work at both. It’s been a long time but I remember the sting. Mostly I found it was for the best. Take some time and get yourself back out there. I’m assuming this is not a divorce situation. That’s a whole different hurricane. If so, work it outbquickly and amicably to avoid enriching the lawyers.
     
  4. gbesq

    gbesq Jun 22, 2020

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    Very sorry to hear that. The only permanent love that I know of is between parent and child. With rare exceptions, love between adults is often fleeting. I agree with Larry S that friendship combined with love is the best arrangement and that is usually what you'll find at the core of relationships and marriages that last. I think that it's important to remember that no one can make you happy. YOU have to be happy and content with who you are and hope that someone else will see and appreciate everything that you have to offer. In the meantime, get a dog. They're fiercely loyal, always thrilled to see you, and they ask for very little compared to what they give back.
     
    Edited Jun 22, 2020
  5. DaveK

    DaveK Yoda of Yodelers Jun 22, 2020

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    Such a loss, sorry my friend. Treat this like one would treat a broken limb - acknowledge it, honour it, and do healthy things to heal it.
     
    ebrohman, Deafboy, gostang9 and 4 others like this.
  6. Uniqez

    Uniqez Jun 22, 2020

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    It feels like 5 years is a key point. Like @Larry S said, you need some more than just love. I've been in the same boat years ago. After 5 years in relationship, I thought everything was fine and she said we need to take time off. But thinking back - everything is happens for a reason. Sometimes good, sometimes bad reason. I'm glad that relation was over the way it did. I'm much better person now and learned a lot from it.
     
    Deafboy, lindo, Larry S and 1 other person like this.
  7. eugeneandresson

    eugeneandresson Jun 22, 2020

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    Horrible stuff. Sounds like she has processed this long ago ... now you are left hanging, and have to deal with it on your own. My advice, and I can’t say how (we are all different), but finalize things as quickly as possible and do everything in your power to get her processed out of your system and move on with your life. And if you follow the old adage of ‘the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else’ then be responsible if possible: it’s also quite painful to be hurt by someone who is rebounding. Good luck, be strong, and like with watches ‘there will always be another’ :thumbsup:
     
    Atalien2005, ebrohman, marco and 3 others like this.
  8. NikolShep

    NikolShep Jun 22, 2020

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    Very sad to hear that... take care of yourself! You have received some great advices above. My 2 cents: I've been in a similar situation and the take-home lesson for myself was that I, as a man, should have strength within me and NOT be dependent on someone's love too much. Like @gbseq said, try to be happy YOURSELF... like @Larry S and @Uniqez, I feel that was for the best as I look back now.
     
  9. sonicosa

    sonicosa Jun 22, 2020

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    I had a 5 year relationship end about 18 years ago after we had moved across the country together post-college. I found myself in a new town where I knew no one, regularly bumping into the person that had crapped on my heart as I was trying to establish a new social circle. It was incredibly tough, but I made it out the other side in a much better place than I had been when the relationship ended. You will too.

    There is some great advice already about what can help love / a relationship last, and I'll add that you shouldn't let this breakup lead you to think there is something flawed about you as a person.
     
    ebrohman likes this.
  10. amfalconer

    amfalconer Jun 22, 2020

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    I know your pain, albeit 3 years instead of 5, never found the real reason out, but expect it was to do with me, that and combined with a bit of an age gap.

    As others have said, sometimes these things happen for a reason, I got myself back into studies and embarked on the career I'd wanted, something that I never would have done otherwise, so I guess it worked out for the best.

    That said, nothing can take away the heartache, but it we'll get easier in time, I heard you can never stop loving people, you just find people you love more..
     
    lindo and jumpingsecond like this.
  11. lillatroll

    lillatroll Jun 22, 2020

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    12 years. The ex decided she was bored and wanted to find herself. She quickly found herself another boyfriend.

    At the end of the day people change. As hard as it might feel right now, once your ego has got over it, things will be better.

    I spent 4 happy years single doing my own thing and watching Football, travelling, drinking the odd beer and living the good life. Life has many twists and turns some good some not so good.

    You probably can't change what has happened but you will move on and find someone else. Just decide how much energy you want to spend on your now ex and think about the future.

    I met my wife 8 years ago and every day is a good one but if she buggers off one day, I dont think I would spend too much energy feeling sorry for myself.
     
  12. M'Bob

    M'Bob Jun 22, 2020

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    I give you a “like” for your courage to air this out and solicit help. That’s not easy when one is suffering, and the tendency is of course to put the blame on the other person.

    The pain will be there for a while, there will be no escape. But when it finally starts to ease, which it inevitably will, try to focus on yourself, and what you could learn for the next time, and don’t go down the rabbit hole of trying to get inside someone’s head or hypothesize on their motives, unless the dynamic for the dissolution was really obvious.
     
    Edited Jun 22, 2020
  13. Dor_42

    Dor_42 Jun 22, 2020

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    Well, the reason most of us are here for is watches, watches (sometimes) tell time, and time cannot be stopped.
    Eventually what you're feeling right now will die down, it might never be gone forever but you'll be able to live with it.
    Learn from the experience, even if you had nothing to do with why it ended there's always a lesson to be learned.

    I hope you'll find someone that loves you despite your milky ring or how "easily" you get scratched.
     
    Edited Jun 22, 2020
    NikolShep likes this.
  14. JwRosenthal

    JwRosenthal Jun 22, 2020

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    10 years- met her in college, she was my best friend. Four years of dating/living together and I finally asked her to marry me- there were red flags there, but I didn’t pay attention, I thought we could overcome anything. That period between 20-30 can be transformative, she discovered who she was and realized I couldn’t be a part of that- I was devastated.
    Within a month of separation I met a lovely woman through friends, we started dating, but I hadn’t dealt with my grief, nor had I worked on my own issues. That relationship went on for 5 years and finally she had the courage to move on and let me know why- I wasn’t emotionally available, she had been living in the shadow of my ex- she gave all she could- more power to her breaking it off and finding someone who is there for her (she is very happy now).
    I spent the next 3 years on my own, finally found a good therapist after years of hopping from mediocre to mediocre- I don’t need a cheerleader or someone to parrot me- I needed someone to walk me through why I do what I do. I finally dealt with my grief and came to some sense of self awareness of how I contributed to the end of both relationships. To paraphrase Woody Allen: I have been in the same bad relationship for 20 years with three different people.
    One evening I was sitting on my porch having a cigarette and the new neighbors were having a party- they called over for me to join them. I went over in my fleece pants and hoody (house clothes) expecting to stay for one drink then back to binge watching TV- I met a fabulous woman and I made no effort to pursue as I had resigned myself to a life of solitude- but she pursued me. Now 2 years later and we can’t get enough of each-other, she is my best friend, and I am hers. I have never felt this kind of connection to anyone- and it is because I am finally able to be present in the relationship and not in my own little world.
    Take the time to work on yourself. The loss of a relationship follows the same path as the 5 stages of grief- and you need to get to acceptance to be ready to move on. I realize in hindsight that the 15 years I spent in those 2 relationships was me repeating the same behavior over and over- I needed to become self aware and have to tools to not only deal with my issues, but be available to another human being.
    I gets better man, but you need to sit with the loss and not try to run from it. You need to reflect on your contributions to the demise of the relationship- not just her behavior. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about the “signs” so you know how to not repeat the same mistakes again. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold- asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
     
  15. YY77

    YY77 Jun 22, 2020

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    this is the thread with most meaningful contributions on OF to OP's post by a mile.:thumbsup:::popcorn::
     
  16. JwRosenthal

    JwRosenthal Jun 22, 2020

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    I have found this to be an incredibly caring and empathetic group of people- we can drop the snark and humor on a dime when a fellow member is in trouble. I think we all get that there are watch world problems and real world problems.
     
  17. dan7800

    dan7800 Jun 22, 2020

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    Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

    take the time that you need. Workout and get jacked. It will help
     
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  18. Albe100

    Albe100 Jun 22, 2020

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    When a door closes, another one opens, sometimes it's a question of time before the other one opens.

    We've all been through the heartbreak, the important thing is surrounding yourself with friends and family. Distract yourself from your old life, find a new "normal" with the people dear to you. The pain will be there, but more manageable. Eventually, you'll realize that life goes on, and there are many things to look forward to and be thankful for. As many have posted, someone else, more suited will come along, and this past relationship will be a memory and a learning chapter in our book of life.

    Best of luck
     
  19. mydeafcat

    mydeafcat Jun 22, 2020

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    As you can see, you are far from alone. Certainly, your experience and how you process it is unique, yet the situation is all-too-common. And many of us can say without reservation we know how you feel. And you’ll come through the other side just fine, even if all seems bleak presently. Trust me - us - in that. Hell, there’d be far fewer songs written over the last few hundred years if not for lost love!

    This is a great time for reflection and planning. You owe it to yourself. Your life, your journey, your path. Daunting and painful right now but exciting all the same.

    Years ago, when my ex-wife and I were splitting up, a friend's father - himself divorced and happily remarried- said to me, ‘Michael, you won’t see it now but this will be among the best things to happen to you...’. I thought he was callous and crazy. I now know he was wise - and right.

    Stay strong. It takes time to heal, but you’ll get there!
     
    Edited Jun 22, 2020
  20. Foo2rama

    Foo2rama Keeps his worms in a ball instead of a can. Jun 22, 2020

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    It’s hurts I know.
    Just remember your worth is you, not the people around you.
     
    janice&fred, sah, NikolShep and 2 others like this.