I feel for you mate, it is very tough, I have been through it twice, there won't be third time. All you can do is keep your mates close, do your best to get on with things that are not connected with her past and the world will sort itself and you out, it just needs time is all.

 

May seem insurmountable at the moment. It's not. The future holds a plethora of things, some will be fantastic, others will not. Many have posted comments that show this.

If I were to go through it again I think I would tell myself to move on faster. Life is not a rehearsal.

Remember the pain is temporary.

 

Sorry for your pain my friend. Nothing will keep you from experiencing the pain of loss but you have to get through the grieving steps (from shock through acceptance) as quickly as you can so you can soon move into more satisfying relationships in the future. I wouldn’t run from the pain because it will only prolong the grieving process or, worse, get trapped in it. Don't isolate or withdraw; talk to your friends, therapist, family or anyone that has a kind ear. Writing your feelings is very freeing and will give you a different perspective. Don’t blame yourself, practice self-care, get into your routine, don’t lose faith in others, don’t think about getting back together with her or remaining "friends" and remember that no matter what, you learned something and grew from this relationship.

btw- I might drop my therapist - you guys are good

 

Another thought: Try to negatively reappraise your ex; think of the incompatibilities and unfavorable aspects (annoying habits etc) which might make it easier to let go and realize that a better match may exist.

 

I agree, not to say go into hate mode- it takes two in a relationship. But look at what you couldn’t deal with, the things you overlooked because you wanted to keep the peace or “just make it go away”. In hindsight, I was miserable in my relationship with my ex-wife, her leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure it didn’t feel like it at the time, and I continued to repeat my mistakes until I had some perspective, but once you get to a point where you can acknowledge your shortcomings- you can work to improve yourself for your next phase of life.

Also an important note- sometimes is not simply what you did or what she did, but who you chose. My ex was a dynamic, exciting, highly intelligent and hilarious person- she was an amazing person- but deeply flawed and lost- I thought I could be her savior and give her what she needed to feel safe and whole- it was not my work to do and took 10 years of pain to realize that. She is in a very happy relationship now, she has gotten the help she needed that I couldn’t provide. I tried to be friend with her for years but the same triggers came up and I realized (through my own therapy) that she didn’t make me feel good about myself- she subconsciously knew what buttons to push and it wasn’t healthy. We haven’t spoken in 3 years and I wish her nothing but the best of health and happiness. Bitterness gets us nowhere- only through understanding ourselves can we understand others.

 

Sorry to hear, if your ever in south Florida send me a pm and I’ll buy you a beer.

 

Boy o boy! Does that ring a bell. More years ago than I care to admit, I became infatuated with a girl. I thought it was love at the time. I don’t recall how the relationship ended, but she and I had numerous mutual friends. What I found out about her after the relationship ended, put on paper, would make a great piece of salacious literature, too steamy for publication. That summer, I met a friend’s cousin who was in town on a summer job. Followed by a quick succession of other girls, and then I met Miss Right! Fast forward to the here and now. We celebrated our 54th wedding anniversary in April of this year. We’ll likely never forget all those other girls, but after a “mourning” period, chin up, carry on. It will all work out right.

 

54 years! Cheers for some inspiration

 

OP...as long as you have no children with her then you’ll be fine in short order and look back amusingly before you know it. Relax, take a vacation, hang out with meaningful people, eat out, hit the gym, or anything else that’s enjoyable but not destructive. Learn from any mistakes. It’s normal to feel down but if you find yourself wallowing in sadness quickly find something productive and enjoyable.

If you have children with her then consider legal counsel and take care of yourself and children as best you can. They’ll always be a part of your life if you remain there for them.

 

At one stage in my life – after an unhappy and mutually destructive marriage breakup – I became involved with an exciting, attractive, intelligent woman who was the best sex partner I had ever had.

We seemed to have a great thing going, but her wish for a long term future together consistently rang alarm bells. I could not pin down why.

Then a friend pointed me to some wise words from an author who believed that a lot of problems at home and at work were caused by mismatched expectations.

He said, “What are her expectations of you in the relationship – do they look like these?”.

• Want to be with me always

• Place my needs above all others

• Never argue with me

• Include me in all decisions

• Provide me with safety at all times

• Take care of me so I don’t have to be responsible for myself

• Trust and agree with all my decisions

• Give me my freedom…… all the space I need

• Never need anything I don’t want to give

It was a revelation. So many of them sounded just like her that I understood why my gut feelings were saying “You don’t have a future with this person, no matter how good she is in bed.”

So we both moved on to other people and different lives.

However the list was a two edged sword, because I recognised that the last three points on the list matched the expectations I unconsciously had of her (or of any other relationship). To be honest, I am still a bit attached to them…..

I learnt a lot from my first marriage and from the ladies that came after about examining my own stuff and recognising things about myself that needed to change if I really wanted to find a relationship that would last the rest of my life. It was a long and sometimes agonising process. In particular, I had to stop blaming my first wife for that marriage failure and understand how my own selfishness had been a major contributor.

It was worth all the pain. This year my second wife and I celebrated thirty years together, and I feel very lucky.

 

We just celebrated our 28th but I had some rocky steps getting to this woman. I lived with a woman I met in college for four years, then realized she was terribly needy and would boost my ego by always screwing things up and have me come to the rescue. I eventually realized that she was a resource sponge and that I was better off alone. She was hard to get over because we had such large intentions while in college.

I did realize from the experience that people grow and change dramatically between 20 and 30.

In the process of finding my wife, I went from bad relationships to worse, but none that really clicked. I realized that I just might not have a mate to share life with and pretty much gave up trying. Then she came into my life, first sharing work projects (turns out a couple bosses were setting us up), then casual recreation, some personal projects (again, the hero to the rescue, but very cautiously this time). I remember finishing up some project and she asked me if I wanted to go shoot some pool. Huh?

Well I was a pretty good shark then as I often busied myself in the apartment amusement room shooting pool with other bachelors in my same boat, so I said, "sure but I've never played in a pool hall before." She brought her own cue on our first "date" and at the end of the night I watched her prance around the table and thought "I wonder if this is going to be my wife?"

Thanks for the discussion, I haven't thought about that night in probably twenty years. I guess my point is, there's the right one out there for you, it just takes a fair bit of fishing. Try not to reflect on the previous mate, it spoils your outlook ahead. I know it's tough, but don't take that baggage into the next relationship; it will only spoil it.

 

You're all wonderful people and I appreciate the kind words of encouragement, comfort, and wisdom.

I'm burying myself in work and little else for now. She wants to go see a therapist for herself before making any final "decisions" which was surprising to hear.

I simply told her to let me know what she needs from me.

At this point I just want the best for us both. Maybe that isn't as a unit together. But this way at least we can say we tried. For whatever comfort that may bring later.

In preparation for the worst: anyone looking for a property manager/tenant? I'm good at handyman work...or I'll maintain your airplane

51% joking

 

7 years. I met her when I was 20. Took me 8 years to walk out the dark shadow. Time will help. You got family, people that love you. Take care

 

Anyone already call dibs on her contact details?




Too soon?


49% joking, hope it works out for you.

 

....and there it is, I almost forgot this was OF

 

I care about my OF-ers too much...


Ha...F-ers

 

If it all goes south, I'm going to spend all of my free time building or restoring an airplane...no joke

 

@64Wing: unless you have children with her quit all communication with her for the foreseeable future. Tend to yourself. She made the decision for you. Don’t reconcile unless you know with certainty you’re at fault and have corrected the issue.

 

For the OP, a lot of us have been there.. I recommend going on youtube and researching a man named Popp....

 

@64Wing - i was going to ask how old you are, but i found a pic you'd posted with Jim Lovell and it seems like you're a relatively young guy (which is a good thing).

I had a five year relationship end in my mid-twenties. It absolutely destroyed me at the time - I 100% thought she was the one. Sometimes one person figures out that it's not right before the other (it was the case for me, and it sounds like, for you as well). Do not blame yourself; and, as hard as it may be, don't blame her either. This pain is temporary but one thing that will stick with you forever is how you react and respond. The character you show.... if there's one thing you can and should do, it's to act honourably in this situation. Be respectful, be at least outwardly empathetic... act in a way that, when you look back in 5, 10, 15 years, you feel proud of yourself for the way that you handled a difficult thing- after all, that's all that you can control in this situation.

Do not look at her social media, turn off any and all contact. If/when you run into her randomly walking out of a Starbucks, it will destroy you for a moment... that's ok. It's going to take you awhile to feel better - in the meantime, make yourself the project. Exercise, eat better, buy some newer clothes, go to therapy (such an important thing - it's an investment in you)... do something you've been wanting to do for awhile but haven't (read more, join a softball team, go to improv classes (assuming you can with COVID), teach yourself to cook....do something to improve you that's fun). These are all things that will make you feel better, will help you meet people and allow you to use this painful time for good.

I ended up meeting the woman I'm married to 15 months after my breakup. She's absolutely the right person; and, despite how i felt at the time, the girl that broke my heart wasn't the right person - she just saw that first.

You will come through this; treat it as a wake-up call and an opportunity to make yourself better. Don't get too down - this is part of life and she has done you a favour, despite it likely not feeling like that right now. There are no winners and losers. Your friends will not think less of you; people have short memories. One step at time, one foot in front of the other, keep moving forward and you'll come out the other side stronger than you ever were before. Good luck and hang in there....