I thought the joke was funnier when I told it https://omegaforums.net/threads/tell-me-a-joke.25276/page-87#post-1312502
*A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.* *He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".* *" She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."* *He thanked her & continued playing golf.* *Later he got lost again.* *He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.* *"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."* *Lady : You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.* *Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.* *When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.* *As they were drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a living.* *"I'm in sales."* *He replied, "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"* *lady : It's too embarrassing to tell.* *But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.* *Lady : I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins).* *He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.* *Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh.* *He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........I'm still one hole behind you."*
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get scr*w#d!"
Mick sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting". The dog comes back and barks twice. Mick says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there". Blue says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Mick says "Yep, he's been right every time". Blue doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?" Mick says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him". So Blue goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Mick has. The breeder obliges and Blue brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Blue's leg. Outraged, Blue takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!". The breeder asks him what the dog did. So Blue tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg The breeder says "Mate , dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more ducks out there than you can shake a fucking stick at".
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from my pub to the house. The difference is staggering.
One @Alpha might enjoy An Australian holidaying in the Scottish Highlands stopped at a little cafe for a meal and was served by a pretty local lass. He ate his meal and when the young lass came back to clear the table she asked where he was from and they struck up a polite conversation. The local lass spoke with a strong Scottish brogue and the Aussie was having a little trouble understand her and politely mentioned with a chuckle, “You certainly roll your ‘R’s”. The young lass blushed and gave him a coy smile “ Ooh, it’s the high heels.” she replied.
