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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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Pastorbottle
·
I had a dog that would chase the laser dot, when you'd point it at the arse of one of the larger dogs she'd bite him on the arse, and only then would relise her mistake, when he'd give a grumpy reaction. She'd fall for it every time!
Edited:
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M'Bob
·I had a dog that would chase the laser dot, when you'd point it at the arse of one of the larger dogs she'd bite him on the arse, and only then would relise her mistake, when he'd give a grumpy reaction. She'd fall for it every time!
If you think pointing a laser dot at a dog’s ass, and then having a dog bite the other dog’s ass is fun, I’m on-board with a GoFundMe to assist with a trip for you to Disney World…
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Wryfox
·
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Wryfox
·
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Russ Murray
·This is a story of a young woman who happens to be part of the dwarf and/or little person community. For the most part, life was great however whenever it rained, she experienced a lot of discomfort. One day while walking along the street during a rainstorm, the discomfort got so bad that she walked into a neighborhood clinic. The receptionist asked how she could help. the young woman explained the problem and was particularly irritated given the weather. The receptionist then buzzed the doctor who then advised that he could see the woman straight away.
When the doctor first saw the young woman, he paused and then instructed her to walk up to an examination table. He then bend down and lifted the woman on to the table. He then lifted up her rain coat and said "ok. I see the problem". Concerned, the women asked if the subsequent procedure would hurt, to which he replied "absolutely not".
He then got a scalpel and scissors and then started cutting and clipping under her raincoat. When finished he exclaimed "all done" and lifted her off the table and back on to her feet. She immediately felt relief and no discomfort and thanked the doctor and also asked what he did. It was quite simple he said. "all I did was trim the tops of your rubber boots!"
When the doctor first saw the young woman, he paused and then instructed her to walk up to an examination table. He then bend down and lifted the woman on to the table. He then lifted up her rain coat and said "ok. I see the problem". Concerned, the women asked if the subsequent procedure would hurt, to which he replied "absolutely not".
He then got a scalpel and scissors and then started cutting and clipping under her raincoat. When finished he exclaimed "all done" and lifted her off the table and back on to her feet. She immediately felt relief and no discomfort and thanked the doctor and also asked what he did. It was quite simple he said. "all I did was trim the tops of your rubber boots!"
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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SpeedyPhill
·( Cartoon: W!ley Ink Ltd 2021 )
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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Wryfox
·
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Wryfox
·A serial killer and country music, but somehow it works.....
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Wryfox
·
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jsducote
·
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lindo
·THE EMU
A truck driver walks into a cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks for an order.
The truck driver says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coffee.” He turns to the emu, ‘What about you?’
‘Sounds good to me, I’ll have the same,’ the emu replies.
The waitress returns with the order. ‘That’ll be $9.40 please.” The truck driver reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change and pays her.
The next day, the truck driver and the emu return. He repeats his order, “a hamburger, fries, and a coffee, please.” The emu repeats, “sounds good. Same for me, please.”
Once more, the truck driver reaches into his pocket and produces the exact amount.
This is their routine for a couple of days. One night, the two enter again.
‘I guess you’ll have the usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night. I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the truck driver. ‘Sounds great, same for me, too,’ says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.65”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘You’ve really got me there. How do you manage to always have the exact change every time?’
“Well, love,” says the truck driver, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
‘That’s brilliant!’ the waitress exclaims. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right,’ says the truck driver. ‘Whether it’s a carton of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money will always be there.”
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘But, what’s with the emu?’
The truck driver pauses heaves a sigh and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a well-rounded bottom who agrees with everything I say.”
A truck driver walks into a cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks for an order.
The truck driver says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coffee.” He turns to the emu, ‘What about you?’
‘Sounds good to me, I’ll have the same,’ the emu replies.
The waitress returns with the order. ‘That’ll be $9.40 please.” The truck driver reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change and pays her.
The next day, the truck driver and the emu return. He repeats his order, “a hamburger, fries, and a coffee, please.” The emu repeats, “sounds good. Same for me, please.”
Once more, the truck driver reaches into his pocket and produces the exact amount.
This is their routine for a couple of days. One night, the two enter again.
‘I guess you’ll have the usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night. I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the truck driver. ‘Sounds great, same for me, too,’ says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.65”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘You’ve really got me there. How do you manage to always have the exact change every time?’
“Well, love,” says the truck driver, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
‘That’s brilliant!’ the waitress exclaims. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right,’ says the truck driver. ‘Whether it’s a carton of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money will always be there.”
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘But, what’s with the emu?’
The truck driver pauses heaves a sigh and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a well-rounded bottom who agrees with everything I say.”
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vipond33
·A farmer hired Jack and Jill to pick his crops. Along came a recession and the farmer didn't know wether to lay Jill or
Jack off.
Jack off.
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ckamp
·What's so good about elevator jokes?
... they work on so many levels.
... they work on so many levels.
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Pastorbottle
·
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Pun
·The CEO of a major Mumbai bank got his shoes polished every day from the shoeshine man at the street corner. He would sit on a chair usually reading the Economic Times as he got his shoes polished.
One fine morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: "What do you think of the stock market situation?"
The CEO condescendingly inquires: "Why are you so interested in this subject?"
The shoeshine man replies: "I have 200 million deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market"
The CEO smirkingly says: "Yeah right! What is your name?"
Shoeshine man replies: "Asaf Kutty Chacko ”
Upon returning to his bank, the bemused CEO asks the Account Manager: "Do we have a customer named Asaf Kutty Chacko?"
The Manager replies: “We certainly do. He is an esteemed customer! He has 200 million in his account.”
The CEO is shocked!
The next day, when getting a shoeshine, the CEO says to shoeshine man:
"Mr. Chacko, I want to invite you to be our guest-of-honour at our Board meeting next week and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will learn a lot.”
The following week, at the Board meeting, the CEO introduces shoeshine man to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Asaf Kutty Chacko, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But he is also our valued customer with 200 million in his account. I invited him to share his life story. I'm sure it will inspirational. Please, Mr. Chacko, do tell".
Asaf Kutty narrates his life story:
"I came to this state 30 years ago as a young boy from Kerala….
I wandered hungry and exhausted in search of a job without success….
Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk and bought some apples….
I had two options: eat the apples to quell my hunger or start a business….
I sold the apples and bought more apples with the money….
This way I started accumulating money…
With the saved money, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started a shoe shine businesss…..
I lived frugally and didn't spend any money on fun or worldly trappings. I lived like a monk and saved every paisa I could….
After a while, I managed to buy new brushes, variety of polish and a chair so that my clients could sit comfortably….
I continued living frugally and saving all I could…
Then, a few years ago, I was able to purchase this nice corner location from another colleague who decided to retire…..
Finally, about three months ago, my brother, who was a drug-dealer in Kochi, passed away and left me 200 million ….”
This is just a campaign to promote reading.
Reading stimulates the mind and imagination!
😝
One fine morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: "What do you think of the stock market situation?"
The CEO condescendingly inquires: "Why are you so interested in this subject?"
The shoeshine man replies: "I have 200 million deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market"
The CEO smirkingly says: "Yeah right! What is your name?"
Shoeshine man replies: "Asaf Kutty Chacko ”
Upon returning to his bank, the bemused CEO asks the Account Manager: "Do we have a customer named Asaf Kutty Chacko?"
The Manager replies: “We certainly do. He is an esteemed customer! He has 200 million in his account.”
The CEO is shocked!
The next day, when getting a shoeshine, the CEO says to shoeshine man:
"Mr. Chacko, I want to invite you to be our guest-of-honour at our Board meeting next week and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will learn a lot.”
The following week, at the Board meeting, the CEO introduces shoeshine man to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Asaf Kutty Chacko, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But he is also our valued customer with 200 million in his account. I invited him to share his life story. I'm sure it will inspirational. Please, Mr. Chacko, do tell".
Asaf Kutty narrates his life story:
"I came to this state 30 years ago as a young boy from Kerala….
I wandered hungry and exhausted in search of a job without success….
Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk and bought some apples….
I had two options: eat the apples to quell my hunger or start a business….
I sold the apples and bought more apples with the money….
This way I started accumulating money…
With the saved money, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started a shoe shine businesss…..
I lived frugally and didn't spend any money on fun or worldly trappings. I lived like a monk and saved every paisa I could….
After a while, I managed to buy new brushes, variety of polish and a chair so that my clients could sit comfortably….
I continued living frugally and saving all I could…
Then, a few years ago, I was able to purchase this nice corner location from another colleague who decided to retire…..
Finally, about three months ago, my brother, who was a drug-dealer in Kochi, passed away and left me 200 million ….”
This is just a campaign to promote reading.
Reading stimulates the mind and imagination!
😝
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