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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaI decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
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JimInOz
··Melbourne Australia
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GuiltyBoomerang
·In a farm there are two cows.
One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"
Have a great weekend all 🍿
One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"
Have a great weekend all 🍿
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- 2,001
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MikiJ
·A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grayhaired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you - you have no legs!”
The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grayhaired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you - you have no legs!”
The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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Wivac
·News comes in that Russel Crowes ex-wife has has vanished in a remote jungle, presumed eaten by the resident cannibal.
He was Gladiator
#getscoat.
He was Gladiator
#getscoat.
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Kids at an elementary school were learning about the various types of meats by trying one each day.
During Friday's lunch the teacher brought in some venison.
None of the children were able to guess what kind of meat it was, so the teacher gave them a hint, saying, "It sounds like something your mommy might call your daddy."
Suddenly, Sally stood up with her hand on her mouth and, gagging, screamed ""DON'T EAT IT - IT'S ASSHOLE!!!"
During Friday's lunch the teacher brought in some venison.
None of the children were able to guess what kind of meat it was, so the teacher gave them a hint, saying, "It sounds like something your mommy might call your daddy."
Suddenly, Sally stood up with her hand on her mouth and, gagging, screamed ""DON'T EAT IT - IT'S ASSHOLE!!!"
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- 5,561
Edward53
·In a farm there are two cows.
One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"
In a field there are two cows.
One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
The other cow says "I KNEW you were going to say that!!"
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Edward53
·In a farm there are two cows.
One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"
In a farm there are two cows.
One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"
The first cow says, "F****** Hell, a talking cow!"
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staristheanswer
·This should happen in a perfect world.
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time flies
·My neighbor is security conscious. He just just came home with two new dogs. He calls them Rolex and Timex....they're watch dogs.
have fun
kfw
have fun
kfw
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
What time was it when the monster devoured Theresa May?
Eight P.M.
What kind of bugs live in clocks?
Ticks!
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
2:30
(you’ll get it eventually)
It went back four seconds.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
What time was it when the monster devoured Theresa May?
Eight P.M.
What kind of bugs live in clocks?
Ticks!
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
2:30
(you’ll get it eventually)
- Posts
- 7,092
- Likes
- 23,002
M'Bob
·Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
What time was it when the monster devoured Theresa May?
Eight P.M.
What kind of bugs live in clocks?
Ticks!
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
2:30
(you’ll get it eventually)
In the spirit of reliving jokes we heard in grade-school: what's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
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rob#1
·Diver’s watch...joke starts from 4m03s in til about 5m15s
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- 3,133
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Edward53
·What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
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- 17,418
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Alpha
··Kilt Owner, Beagle Parent, Omega CollectorI just bought a Speedmaster 😁
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Calstock
·Doctor I'm in pain, please, please help !
Calm down, just tell me where it hurts.
It hurts when I touch my elbow. It hurts when I touch my knee. It hurts when I touch my head and it hurts when I touch my chest.
Doctor - That's easy, you've got a broken finger !
Calm down, just tell me where it hurts.
It hurts when I touch my elbow. It hurts when I touch my knee. It hurts when I touch my head and it hurts when I touch my chest.
Doctor - That's easy, you've got a broken finger !
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Calstock
·Patient: Doctor, some times I feel like a Teepee, sometimes I feel like a Wigwam.
Doctor: The trouble with you is you're two tents.
Doctor: The trouble with you is you're two tents.
