Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

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You owe me about half a mouthful of Talisker 10YO.

Here is the other half…

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Wife: "I have a lot of my old clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."
 
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Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her D.D.S. diploma. Which bore her full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, attractive, dark-haired girl with the same name had been in my high school class some forty-odd years ago. Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing her, however I quickly discarded any such thought, this grey haired lady with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, Hmmm, or could she??

After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Central High School.

”Yes. Yes, I did.” She gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?” I asked.

She answered, "In 1977, Why do you ask?”

"You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

She looked at me closely.

And then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, old, wrinkled cow asked, "What did you teach?”
 
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My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of weird fruits.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
 
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How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She can fit in your wife's clothes.
 
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Difference between Ironman, and Ironwoman: one’s a super-hero, the other’s a command…
 
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I guess it’s no surprise that previously, Gary had been single for years…