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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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Pvt-Public
·Too heavy to move? I realize this happened in the late 1950’s (anywhere from 1959-1971 according to different sources) but was all their equipment made by Tonka?
Edited:
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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M'Bob
·An attractive, young couple are sitting on their couch. The husband says, “I forgot something at the store; I’ll be home shortly.”
A few minutes later, there is a knock on the front door, and the wife answers it.
“Is your husband home?”, the man says.
“No,” replies the wife. “He‘ll be back soon. In the meantime, come in.”
They sit on the couch, and the man says, “I know this is going to sound ridiculously forward, but you categorically have the best ass I’ve ever seen. We can keep this just between the two of this: I will pay you $100 for a quick squeeze of your right buttock.”
Blushing, but also flattered, the woman thinks, ‘what the heck, easy money,’ and allows him to get his feel.
“Now,” the man says. “I will give you another hundred if I can fondle your left butt.” He gets his second squeeze, pays, and leaves.
The woman is proudly looking at her money, when her husband walks in, and catches her off-guard.
“Great!”, he’s says. “I see Jimmy came by and dropped of the $200 he owes me…”
A few minutes later, there is a knock on the front door, and the wife answers it.
“Is your husband home?”, the man says.
“No,” replies the wife. “He‘ll be back soon. In the meantime, come in.”
They sit on the couch, and the man says, “I know this is going to sound ridiculously forward, but you categorically have the best ass I’ve ever seen. We can keep this just between the two of this: I will pay you $100 for a quick squeeze of your right buttock.”
Blushing, but also flattered, the woman thinks, ‘what the heck, easy money,’ and allows him to get his feel.
“Now,” the man says. “I will give you another hundred if I can fondle your left butt.” He gets his second squeeze, pays, and leaves.
The woman is proudly looking at her money, when her husband walks in, and catches her off-guard.
“Great!”, he’s says. “I see Jimmy came by and dropped of the $200 he owes me…”
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DaveK
·It’s always worse when you don’t see it coming
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Charlemagne1333
·A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. Several weeks later, and feeling good about herself, she takes the bus into town. On her way home, she stops at the newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32”, is the reply.
“Nope! I’m 50”, the woman says, gleefully.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the same question.
“I’d guess about 29?”, says the girl.
The woman replies, with a big smile, “Nope, I’m exactly 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints, and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say about 30.”
Again she says, proudly “No, I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus, to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 85 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was a young man there was a sure fire way to tell the age of a woman. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to allow me to put my hands inside your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you exactly how old you are.”
They wait in silence for several minutes until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “Oh, what hell, go ahead.”
He slips both hands under her blouse, and begins to feel around very carefully. He bounces, and weighs each breast, and gently squeezes each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and finally rubs them together.
After a few minutes of this, the woman says, “OK, OK… how old am I?”
“Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned, the woman says, “That was incredible. How could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonald’s.”
“About 32”, is the reply.
“Nope! I’m 50”, the woman says, gleefully.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the same question.
“I’d guess about 29?”, says the girl.
The woman replies, with a big smile, “Nope, I’m exactly 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints, and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say about 30.”
Again she says, proudly “No, I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus, to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 85 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was a young man there was a sure fire way to tell the age of a woman. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to allow me to put my hands inside your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you exactly how old you are.”
They wait in silence for several minutes until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “Oh, what hell, go ahead.”
He slips both hands under her blouse, and begins to feel around very carefully. He bounces, and weighs each breast, and gently squeezes each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and finally rubs them together.
After a few minutes of this, the woman says, “OK, OK… how old am I?”
“Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned, the woman says, “That was incredible. How could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonald’s.”
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Fretworker
·
Well hats off to you and Aroxx. But what is this? Sorry 🙁 It's pretty bad when you have to explain, I know, but I'm interested
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Aroxx
·Well hats off to you and Aroxx. But what is this? Sorry 🙁 It's pretty bad when you have to explain, I know, but I'm interested
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Pvt-Public
·I thought it was discovering the South Pole.
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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Fretworker
·Somebody recreated the scene from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back where the snow monster freezes Luke Skywalker upside down from the ceiling inside their freezer. Star Wars nerd stuff.
Thanks for taking the time and for your patience. I appreciate it.
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Vercingetorix
··Spam Risk
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M'Bob
·
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Wryfox
·
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M'Bob
·An American tourist walks into a fancy French restaurant, where the waitresses are particularly stunning. He takes a seat, and a tall, voluptuous server comes over, and asks him what he’d like. Eyeballing her, he says, “I’ll have a quickie.”
The waitress turns, and leaves in a huff. A few minutes later, after regaining her composure, she comes back and asks him the same question again.
He says, “I’ll have a quickie.”
This time, the waitress rears back, and hits him with a resounding slap right across his face. While rubbing his cheek, a Frenchman at the next table leans over, and says, “Monsieur, I believe it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
The waitress turns, and leaves in a huff. A few minutes later, after regaining her composure, she comes back and asks him the same question again.
He says, “I’ll have a quickie.”
This time, the waitress rears back, and hits him with a resounding slap right across his face. While rubbing his cheek, a Frenchman at the next table leans over, and says, “Monsieur, I believe it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury memberAnd ironically, the waitress' name was Lorraine! 🙄