Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Two married women go for a night out and get very drunk. Taking a short cut home through the cemetery, they need to relieve themselves but one gets her knickers tangled up in a wreath and the other loses them completely.

Next day their husbands are worried. “I’m not happy at our wives going out like this,” one says. “When mine got home her knickers were missing!"

The other looks even more depressed. “You think that’s bad? I found a card in my wife’s knickers saying “From all the lads at the Fire Station - we’ll never forget you.”

A man goes away on vacation and has his younger brother watch his cat. On the second day, when he calls his brother to see how things are going he tells him that the cat is dead.
The man goes into hysterics and says, "What's wrong with you?! You can't tell a person bad news like that! You have to break it gently. The first day, you should have said that Tiger was stuck on the roof and you couldn't get her down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications while sleeping peacefully in her sleep." The brother apologizes and asks for forgiveness.
Two days later the younger brother calls his older brother up and says, "I have news."
"What's up?"
"Mother is stuck on the roof and we can't get her down."

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Who's this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing these pictures of my parents beating me?

I got hit by a car a couple months ago, cracked three ribs. It's ok though, I'm healing fine...won't be long before my wife tries again.

I was banging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said,“It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have legged it but you don’t get offers like that every day.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Eye done-up.
Eye done-up who?
Keep away from me you dirty animal!

I'm only tailoring my humour to my audience....

Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.

A tortoise was mugged by three sloths. The police asked for a description but he couldn't give one, because it all happened so fast.

One of my favorites....

SON OF A BITCH FISH

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

The priest informed the Sister that the new Bishop was to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"Well then, I'll clean the Son of a Bitch", she said, and took it home.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch will be the main course!

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud Priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"