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abrod520
·
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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ONEWATCH
·Why does a bride always smile when she walks down the isle? Because she knows she has given her last blow job.
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ras47
·A little boy walks by his parents' bedroom while they're getting busy. "I can't believe you sent me to a psychiatrist for sucking my THUMB!"
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Edward53
·Porky the Dog. I'll say no more.
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M'Bob
·An amnesiac walks into a bar, and goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So - do I come here often?"
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dennisthemenace
·A man goes to the doctor to have his balls examined. The pretty Thai doctor with pert boobs fondled his nuts looking for anything unusual.
It's not unusual to get an erection during the examination explained the doctor to the patient. Don't worry said the man, I'm not.
That's a shame, said the doctor, I am.
It's not unusual to get an erection during the examination explained the doctor to the patient. Don't worry said the man, I'm not.
That's a shame, said the doctor, I am.
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jimmyd13
·I used to date a twin and my friend once asked me how I was sure that I was actually sleeping with the right one and that they might not be playing some sordid sexual trick on me.
Well, I said, it's pretty easy. Rachael's got shoulder length blonde hair, perfect 34D breasts and nipples that go hard the moment my lips touch them.
On the other hand, Dave's got a dick.
Well, I said, it's pretty easy. Rachael's got shoulder length blonde hair, perfect 34D breasts and nipples that go hard the moment my lips touch them.
On the other hand, Dave's got a dick.
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Fritz
·
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Edward53
·A man goes to a fancy dress party in his normal clothes and carrying his girlfriend piggyback.
- So what are you supposed to be then?
- A snail.
- What's with the girl on your back?
- That's Michelle.
- So what are you supposed to be then?
- A snail.
- What's with the girl on your back?
- That's Michelle.
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Edward53
·A teenage boy is mad about tractors. He has model tractors, books about them and posters on the wall. Every year he goes to the County Show with his Dad and the tractor dealers all indulge him, chat to him and let him sit in the cab of the new models. After a few years of this they decide he's too old to be treated like a kid, is getting to be an embarrassment and is putting potential customers off. They all agree to freeze him out, and so when he and his Dad turn up they fob him off and nobody will let him get near the tractors.
The boy is furious. When he gets home he tears down all his tractor posters, throws his books in the bin and stamps on his models. - That's it! he says. - I'm finished with tractors!
His Dad feels sorry for him and tries to make him feel better. - Well Son, maybe they do have a point about you getting too old for this. Tell you what, how about we go down to the pub together and I'll buy you your first pint? Would you like that?
The boy brightens up. - Thanks Dad! Yes, I'd like that very much.
So they walk down to the pub, but when they get there it's full of tobacco smoke and his Dad says, - Sorry Son but I can't go in there, you know I don't smoke and it'd choke me.
The boy says, - Don't worry Dad, leave this to me. So he puts his head in the doorway, takes a massive big inhale and to his Dad's amazement, sucks in all the tobacco smoke, leaving the room clear. He blows it away down the road and tells his dad, - It's ok, we can go in now!
- What the heck...? How on Earth did you do that, Son?
- Simple, Dad......
.....I'm an ex tractor fan!
The boy is furious. When he gets home he tears down all his tractor posters, throws his books in the bin and stamps on his models. - That's it! he says. - I'm finished with tractors!
His Dad feels sorry for him and tries to make him feel better. - Well Son, maybe they do have a point about you getting too old for this. Tell you what, how about we go down to the pub together and I'll buy you your first pint? Would you like that?
The boy brightens up. - Thanks Dad! Yes, I'd like that very much.
So they walk down to the pub, but when they get there it's full of tobacco smoke and his Dad says, - Sorry Son but I can't go in there, you know I don't smoke and it'd choke me.
The boy says, - Don't worry Dad, leave this to me. So he puts his head in the doorway, takes a massive big inhale and to his Dad's amazement, sucks in all the tobacco smoke, leaving the room clear. He blows it away down the road and tells his dad, - It's ok, we can go in now!
- What the heck...? How on Earth did you do that, Son?
- Simple, Dad......
.....I'm an ex tractor fan!
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Canuck
·I am lost for words!🤦
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SpeedyPhill
·Great one:
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jimmyd13
·Three men travel in the same compartment in a long distance sleeper train across Soviet Russia. One, a Lieutenant, is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The Lieutenant listens. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the compartment, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.
The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the Lieutenant wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.
The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!
- You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.
- Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.
- No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.
The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the Lieutenant wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.
- Oh, KGB took them last night.
The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!
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M'Bob
·A koala walks into a bar. He has a beer, but looks bored. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, wanna have some fun? Go to the back and ask for Marla."
He hops off the bar stool, and scurries to the back where he finds Marla gesturing him into a near-by room. They go inside, close the door, and in a matters of minutes, there is all sorts of moaning and screaming.
After he's done, the koala jumps up and heads for the door. Marla stops him: "Hang on a minute - there is a little matter of payment..."
The koala is perplexed. Marla sighs, goes over to her desk, grabs her dictionary, and flips to the word "prostitute." She says, "See? 'Has sex for money.'"
The koala grabs the dictionary, and flips to the word "koala." "Look here," he says, pointing to the definition: 'Eats bush and leaves.'
He hops off the bar stool, and scurries to the back where he finds Marla gesturing him into a near-by room. They go inside, close the door, and in a matters of minutes, there is all sorts of moaning and screaming.
After he's done, the koala jumps up and heads for the door. Marla stops him: "Hang on a minute - there is a little matter of payment..."
The koala is perplexed. Marla sighs, goes over to her desk, grabs her dictionary, and flips to the word "prostitute." She says, "See? 'Has sex for money.'"
The koala grabs the dictionary, and flips to the word "koala." "Look here," he says, pointing to the definition: 'Eats bush and leaves.'
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M'Bob
·A guy is walking down by the railroad tracks, sees a woman tied up, and he unties her, takes her back to his apartment, and has ferocious sex with her.
Later, he goes to his local bar, and the bartender notices the guy is smiling ear to ear.
"Hey, what's up with you?" the bartender says.
"Oh, I just got lucky," said the guy.
"Was she pretty?", asked the bartender.
"I don't know," the guy said. "She didn't have a head."
Later, he goes to his local bar, and the bartender notices the guy is smiling ear to ear.
"Hey, what's up with you?" the bartender says.
"Oh, I just got lucky," said the guy.
"Was she pretty?", asked the bartender.
"I don't know," the guy said. "She didn't have a head."
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Edward53
·I had a terrible shock last night. Something woke me out of a deep sleep and there, standing at the foot of my bed, was a full-size apparition of Gloria Gaynor! At first I was afraid.....
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M'Bob
·What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off my cloud." A Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off my ewe."
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No.15
·Why can't you run in a campground?
Because you can only ran, its past tents.
Because you can only ran, its past tents.
