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vintage hab
·Stay Safe
Edited:
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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Wryfox
·A blonde reads a headline... "Brazilian dead after flash flooding"
She starts screaming and crying uncontrollably.
Her friend asks her 'why are you so upset?'
She replies 'Oh my god that's horrible!!!
How many is a Brazilian?'
She starts screaming and crying uncontrollably.
Her friend asks her 'why are you so upset?'
She replies 'Oh my god that's horrible!!!
How many is a Brazilian?'
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Pun
·Francisco 'Bhaskar' D'Mello from Anjuna, Goa, died young and left his vast coconut estate to his devoted wife Veronica.
Veronica was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the properties, but knew very little about coconut farming, so she spread the word that she needed a man to look after the estate.
Two men applied for the job. One was the local drunk handyman Sebastio, and the other was the openly gay ex - tiatrist Benedict.
Veronica thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied for the job she decided to hire Benedict, figuring it would be safer to have a gay around the house than a drunk.
Benedict proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about caring for coconut trees.
For weeks, the two of them worked side by side, and the coconut plantation was soon flourishing.
Then one Saturday Veronica said to Benedict: "You have done a really good job, and the farm and the coconut trees look great. You should take a break and go to Panjim and have a good time. Maybe watch a theatre or go for a dance. Here's some money. Have a blast!"
Benedict readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.
One o'clock came and no Benedict
Two o'clock and no Benedict.
Finally Benedict returned around two-thirty in the morning.
Upon entering the room, he found Veronica sitting in the candlelit hall with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my shoes.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the candlelight.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"
Veronica was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the properties, but knew very little about coconut farming, so she spread the word that she needed a man to look after the estate.
Two men applied for the job. One was the local drunk handyman Sebastio, and the other was the openly gay ex - tiatrist Benedict.
Veronica thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied for the job she decided to hire Benedict, figuring it would be safer to have a gay around the house than a drunk.
Benedict proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about caring for coconut trees.
For weeks, the two of them worked side by side, and the coconut plantation was soon flourishing.
Then one Saturday Veronica said to Benedict: "You have done a really good job, and the farm and the coconut trees look great. You should take a break and go to Panjim and have a good time. Maybe watch a theatre or go for a dance. Here's some money. Have a blast!"
Benedict readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.
One o'clock came and no Benedict
Two o'clock and no Benedict.
Finally Benedict returned around two-thirty in the morning.
Upon entering the room, he found Veronica sitting in the candlelit hall with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my shoes.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the candlelight.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"
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Joe_A
·
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker5 ants decided to move into an apartment with 5 other ants. They are now tenants...
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blufinz52
··Hears dead people, not watch rotors.Driving down the road and saw my
ex.
It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes
meaning over the years.
ex.
It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes
meaning over the years.
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JimInOz
··Melbourne Australia
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Wryfox
·
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blufinz52
··Hears dead people, not watch rotors.I've never killed a
mountain lion
with my bare
hands but I've
choked a few
cougars.
mountain lion
with my bare
hands but I've
choked a few
cougars.
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Charlemagne1333
·Interesting. I know a guy who owns a farm. He said he never choked his hen, but frequently choked his chicken.
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Duracuir1
··Never Used A KodakIs this the same farm where one may feed the horse?
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury memberThe brilliant cartoonist George Booth has died, but he was 96, so he had a good run.
RIP
RIP
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M'Bob
·Two married guys are out drinking. One says to the other:
“No matter what I do after I go out drinking with you, the wife gives me shit. I shut the light off on the car, and coast into the garage. I tip-toe up the stairs in my socks. I undress in the bathroom. I EASE into bed, and she turns around and chews me out.”
His buddy says, “That’s because you’re going about it all wrong. I screech into the driveway, pound up the stairs, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, “Hey hot-cheeks, are you as horny as I am?” She’s fast asleep…
“No matter what I do after I go out drinking with you, the wife gives me shit. I shut the light off on the car, and coast into the garage. I tip-toe up the stairs in my socks. I undress in the bathroom. I EASE into bed, and she turns around and chews me out.”
His buddy says, “That’s because you’re going about it all wrong. I screech into the driveway, pound up the stairs, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, “Hey hot-cheeks, are you as horny as I am?” She’s fast asleep…
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STANDY
··schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collectorA police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the local police station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he said. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her yet?” the sergeant asks the officer.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet,” he said.
“I have an interesting case here,” he said. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her yet?” the sergeant asks the officer.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet,” he said.
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STANDY
··schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collectorA father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my centre desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my centre desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
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Wryfox
·Wait.... What?
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DaveK
·
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SC1
·