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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

mokofoko
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Darlinboy Darlinboy
Larry and his two brothers Daryl have left the Stratford Inn.
Just as they are about to return home, Daryl (no, the other one) finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out.

Without hesitation, Larry greets the genie, "Hi, my name is Larry. This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl."

As is the custom the genie says, " Thank you for freeing me. In return, I will give you each one wish, but only one, so use it wisely.

Larry immediately says, "Well that's awful nice of you. We certainly wish we had access to more squirrels. They've become increasingly scarce since we've moved here. We had no choice but to take several items off our restaurant's menu."

The genie's jaw drops, and his head promptly explodes. The body slumps to the ground.

Larry looks toward his brothers before exclaiming, "We didn't get our wish, but at least we have a new delicacy for our menu. Let's carry him inside." The Daryl brothers emphatically nod in agreement.

I hope you don't mind. I've edited your posting to make the story more accurate.

0c358e10176baf582e12b011e088861e.jpg
Edited:
 
nikkop
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I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction
 
Severin
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?
...
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
 
JimInOz
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Snitched from FB

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 
Darlinboy
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a $1,000 prize if anyone could squeeze a single drop more from a lemon the bartender had already squeezed. Patrons for years had tried and failed.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit walked into the bar. "I'd like to try the bet," he said. After the laughter died down, the bartender rolled his eyes, then confidently grabbed a lemon and squeezed the juice. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

The crowd's laughter turned to murmurs of amazement as the man clenched his fist around the lemon. Without even seeming to strain, he squeezed the lemon and six drops fell into the glass! The whole bar went wild!

As the bartender handed over the $1,000, he asked what the little man did for a living.

"I work for the IRS," he answered with a smirk.
 
Canuck
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Then there's the guy telling his friend that he has a new job. His friend asks where he works, and what he's doing. The guy tells his friend he's a diesel fitter in the quality control department of a panty hose factory. His friend tells him he is having difficulty imagining what such a job might entail. The guy tells him that his job is the last step prior to packaging the product when he grasps the panty hose by the waist band, holds them high, then pronounces that "diesel fit 'er"!
 
Darlinboy
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Q. How do you make Holy Water?
A. You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

Q. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A. Dam!

Q. What Do Ice Fishers Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A. Polaroids

Q. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A. A Stick

Q. What happens when you toss a jar of Hellman's into quicksand?
A. Sinko da Mayo

Q. What sits on the floor or the ocean and twitches?
A. A Nervous Wreck.

Q. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A. Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Q. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A. A bad golfer sounds like this... Thwack! Damn!
A bad skydiver sounds like this... Damn! Thwack!

The seven Dwarfs were feeling Happy,
Happy got out of bed, so they all felt Grumpy.
 
ONEWATCH
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What's the difference between a Hamster and a Gerbil? There's more dark meat on a Gerbil.
 
ONEWATCH
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For THE DONALD
A young man meets the girl of his dream and wants to ask her to marry him. He has a problem in that his penis is only 3 inches long. He goes to his doctor and the doc says if you can get donors from your family I can do multiple transplants for you. He asks his father and he says ok, your mother will never miss it. He asks his Grandpa and he say yes because since Grandma died he never uses it anyway. He has the operation and it is successful. He asks the girl to marry him and she says yes. For the wedding the family rents a whole floor of rooms in the hotel. As his father is walking to his room that evening, he sees his son come out of his room. He is punching holes in the walls and cursing very loudly. His father runs up to him and asks what the problem is. "The darn doctor put Grandpas in the middle."
 
Garv
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The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
 
ONEWATCH
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This is a test of your knowledge of birds.

First question. What bird represents strength, power and courage?
Answer: The American Bald Eagle.


Second question. What bird represents truth, knowledge and education?
Answer: The owl.


Final question. What bird represents true love.
Answer:


Down some more



and some more



The Swallow.
 
Apa
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It does not matter how kind you are, the kids in germany are always kinder......
 
Canuck
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Definition of a mistress: A miss between a mister and a mattress!
 
Garv
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”

The doctor says, “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
 
Darlinboy
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Garv Garv
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”

The doctor says, “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

You cracked up the whole DB clan with that one. Everybody loves a good fart joke.
 
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