Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

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A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

After a watchmaker finished repairing a Chinese fake Rolex he turned to his partner and said "it's funny, an hour after finishing one of these, I want to do another"....

It's Sunday morning and all the pews are full in rural Alabama church. Just as the minister is starting his sermon, there is a large explosion and ball of flame at the back of the church. The doors swing open amid a huge fall of sulphurous smoke and Satan appears. As he walks up to the front of the church all the congregation flees except for one very elderly man. When Satan gets to him he stops and asks if he knows who he is. "Yep, you are Satan" says the old man. You know I can send you to damnation forever and you are still showing no fear of me. Why is that he asks, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Trying to translate a French joke in English, sorry for the approximations.

A couple is in bed making love, preliminaries in action.
Suddenly woman says: Ouch ! Please remove your ring, it is hurting me !
Man says : it's not my ring, but my watch ! 🤪

WARNING!

There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email do not open it........it's spam

I keep having a recurring dream, one night I'm a tepee the next I'm a Wigwam , The doctor says I'm 'two Tense'.

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar. They each got six months.

The maid asks the lady of the house for a payrise The lady of the house asks why.
Well your husband says that I iron better than you replies the maid.
That's not enough reason for a payrise says the lady of the house.
Well your husband says I'm a better cook than you says the maid.
She gets the same reply.
Well I give a better blowjob than you says the maid.
I suppose my husband told you that too, replies the lady of the house.
Actually it was the gardener says the maid.