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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Wryfox
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Thirty years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, the woman of my dreams, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.

All three said no....
 
Darlinboy
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Good to see there are still a few actual jokes being told here - kudos. Can use some humor in these times. 👍 Speaking of which...

With the recent coronavirus surge, California is going into a lockdown mode once more. Plastic surgery centers, hair salons, and tanning shops are all closing.

It’s about to get really ugly out there.
 
queriver
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Darlinboy Darlinboy
With the recent coronavirus surge, California is going into a lockdown mode once more. Plastic surgery centers, hair salons, and tanning shops are all closing.
It’s about to get really ugly out there.
Here in Australia I was recently told post-lockdown cosmetic dentistry and liposuction both boomed like never before. People can't spend $s on travel so spending it on their smiles and hips instead. Sorry, this isn't a joke but Californian dentists and liposuctionists (?) will soon enough be laughing all the way to their banks again.
 
Archer
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie.
 
gemstar
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A guy walks into a watch restoration shop and asks the owner .Excuse me sir but could you Re dial my watch? Owner says .I'm Sorry, I didn't know your watch can take calls!::rimshot::::facepalm1::
 
Canuck
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A fellow reports that he has to drive his retired father every where he wants to go. His father is a retired gynaecologist, and he has a bad case of tunnel vision.
 
Charlemagne1333
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Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fυck up, and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fυck up too
 
alam
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Another new feature of the new Gen 6 Apple watch - it keeps track of your weight loss progress 😀

.
 
Screen Shot 2020-12-11 at 9.31.03 PM.png
Darlinboy
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My kids were a bit worried about Santa getting presents out this year with the pandemic and restrictions on travel.

I told them not to worry - Santa's reindeer have herd immunity.

::rimshot::

p.s. That was an inside joke. Aren't they all these days? 🤦
 
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