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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

Omegafanman
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BlackTalon BlackTalon
It depends on the thread pitch that was incorporated into the candle mold and cut into the base of the holder, the diameter of the candle, the shortest distance between the candle and the walls, and the desired torque value.

(there are a bunch of engineers on this forum; it's easy enough to arrive at an answer if you provide us with the proper information)

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the balloonist. "Everything you told be was technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a Manager"

"I am", replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow
my fault."
 
Archer
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Omegafanman Omegafanman
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the balloonist. "Everything you told be was technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a Manager"

"I am", replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow
my fault."

As an engineer I have had this conversation (not literally) so many times you can't imagine...
 
Pun
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rob#1 rob#1
15067A2E-8FA5-432A-BF79-288DC27A2BCB.png
Please get your cell phone charged! It shows single bar on battery....
 
Wivac
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Q Does Sean Connery like herbs?



































A Only partially...
 
Omegafanman
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Wivac Wivac
Q Does Sean Connery like herbs?

A Only partially...

I had all the Ian Fleming 007 books and short stories in hardcover.
I bought some gold brackets and hand carved a solid oak plank to display them all.
The whole thing came crashing down one night and broke my shoulder.
I told Sean Connery about this when I met him….

........But he said I only had my shelf to blame….



































A Only partially...[/QUOTE]
 
MikiJ
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Took this one from another forum 👍
timeout_6684426.jpg
A married couple goes to bed, the wife takes the TV remote control and asks her husband - ‘What would you like to watch' The husband "I hesitate between a porn and a soccer game" - The woman ‘I put on porn, you already know how to play soccer’
 
kboyle
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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood
 
kkt
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MikiJ MikiJ
A married couple goes to bed, the wife takes the TV remote control and asks her husband - ‘What would you like to watch' The husband "I hesitate between a porn and a soccer game" - The woman ‘I put on porn, you already know how to play soccer’

Learning sex technique by watching porn is kind of like learning how to drive by watching James Bond films.
 
impalla62ss
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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, ''How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No'' he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 
MikiJ
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Another Brother from another Mother:

A man comes home early from a business trip.

In the taxi he asks the driver if, once he gets home, he can be his witness because he suspects his wife's fidelity. Convinced that she has her lover, he wants to catch her in the act.

On the promise of a fee of 100 euros, the taxi driver agrees. Arriving home, the husband and the taxi driver enter the bedroom in silence.

The husband turns on the light, suddenly pulls down the covers and sees his wife with another man!

At this point, totally angry, he takes a gun and points it at the head of the man who is in bed with his wife.

At that moment the wife screams: "Don't shoot, when I said I had received an inheritance I was lying.

He paid for the Porsche I gave you. He paid for your season ticket. He paid for our house by the sea, and also the one in the mountains. He paid for our vacation in Mexico. He paid for us to join the Country Club and always pays our monthly dues ”.

The husband, disconsolate, lowers his gun, turns to the taxi driver and asks: "What would you do in my place?"

The taxi driver without thinking twice: "It’s getting cold, Cover him!"
 
M'Bob
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Canuck Canuck
?
MikiJ MikiJ
Really 😕

I see where @Canuck is coming from. This joke has a lot of potential, but somehow the punchline is underwhelming.

"The husband, disconsolate, lowers his gun, turns to the taxi driver and asks: "What would you do in my place?"

The taxi driver, without thinking twice: “Ask him when he’ll be finished; we'll come back later...”
 
MikiJ
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M'Bob M'Bob
I see where @Canuck is coming from. This joke has a lot of potential, but somehow the punchline is underwhelming.

"The husband, disconsolate, lowers his gun, turns to the taxi driver and asks: "What would you do in my place?"

The taxi driver, without thinking twice: “Ask him when he’ll be finished; we'll come back later...”
Much Better 👍
 
ed123
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I saw a dwarf escaping prison. As he was climbing down the walls he sneered at me and I thought, "That's a little con-descending“.
 
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