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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

P
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A person who plays the guitar is a guitarist. So a person who races should be called a racist? 😀
 
Omegafanman
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I tried to see my fortune teller today but she had a sign up saying closed due to unforeseen circumstances.....
Mind you I am not sure she is strictly legitimate .. last time I said I wanted my palms read she hit them with a riding crop...
 
Mad Cow
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A genius, a handsome dude, and a watch lover walked into bar...

The bartender looked up and said...





“Oh hello Mad Cow, what’ll you have?”
::psy::
Edited:
 
slwoodster
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Boutique Manager - There's no i in team.

Top Salesperson - Yeah but there's a me in Omega.
 
Charlemagne1333
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you neutron, no charge."
 
P
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Charlemagne1333 Charlemagne1333
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you neutron, no charge."

and when the bartender asked the proton:

bartender: do you really want your scotch neat

proton: i’m positive
 
Edward53
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I met a friend the other day, he was carrying this enormous pie. "What are you doing with that pie?" I asked him. He said "I'm taking it to be weighed." So I said, "Really, where do you go for that?" He said, "Oh, somewhere over the rainbow". I said, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Then he started singing.....
 
OmegaRody
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What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? - The idea, “I will make it home.”
 
TimeODanaos
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Charlemagne1333 Charlemagne1333
A neutron walks into a bar...
Later on, this electron is driving down the highway, gets pulled over.
"Sir, do you know just what speed you were doing back there? No? Well, take a look here."
"Oh, thanks a bunch officer" says the electron, "Before, I was running late - now, I'm lost as well!"
 
OmegaRody
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
 
Archer
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Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
 
OmegaRody
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Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.
 
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