Mrs. P laughed a lot this one seen on a notice board at work: My kids asked me what it was like to be a mother. I woke them up at two a.m. and said, "I lost my sock".
Not a joke but when one of my daughters sent me this I had to laugh https://www.instagram.com/p/BmDET5gA5p7/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1kjw6kpl3ssnp
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" The teacher fainted.
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my arse.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
I have seen this joke many times over the years and it makes me laugh every time , enjoy. My apologies if it has already been posted. If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.” Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 — No report.
Why men dont’t write advice to the lovelorn columns. Advice from Harold. I have been married for 25 years. I really love my husband, but I need your advice. Recently, I left for work, leaving my unemployed, lay about, good for nothing husband at home. I got half a block from home, and my car quit. I walk back, and upon entering the house, I hear noises coming from the bedroom. I go upstairs, and find my husband in bed with my best friend. What should I do? Harold answers, Cars can quit suddenly, for a variety of reasons. Did you run out of gas? Did your throttle body pack it in? Did the high tension lead pull out of the ignition coil? If the motor still runs, did you lose a universal joint? Did your automatic transmission behave irregularly immediately before the car quit? Did your engine seize? Did you lose a connecting rod? Before you call a tow truck, ask your husband to have a look to see if he can diagnose your problem.
Teacher: "Jimmy!...why aren't you getting on with your work boy?" Jimmy: "I ain't got no pencil Miss!" Teacher: "I ain't got no pencil! "That is not good English boy!..... correct grammer is... I have no pencil, you have no pencil, we have no pencils." Jimmy: ".....Well who's got all the fakkin pencils Miss?"
I’ll never forget my beloved Grandad’s last words, they will stick with me forever. Spoiler ”STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE BASTARD!”