Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

 

What do women all across the world do with their arseholes every morning?..........they give them a kiss, hand them their lunch and send them to work!

 

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, and pours a small amount into the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. 'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, 'When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

 

Somehow, this joke manages the very difficult prospect of combining both highbrow and toilet humor.

 

Ugh!

 

What? You don't like jokes that feature pungent punchlines?

 

Canuck can’t condone controversial content…

 

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said ‘I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, ‘What’s your name?’

The guy said, ‘My name is Penis van Lesbian.’

The agent said, ‘Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’

‘I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’

The agent said, ‘Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’

‘So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

 

Collective consensus?

 

A wealthy, older man is explaining to a close friend the difficulty he is having choosing one of his three, young girlfriends to ultimately marry. So he came up with a test, to help him decide: he gave each $5.000, and told them to spend it in any way they wanted.

The first one said,”I bought myself a beautiful dress, make up, hair and nail care, a gym membership, all so that I could look my best for you in the years to come.”

The second one said, “I bought you the most expensive suits, ties, coats, and shoes, so you could feel your best at all times.”

The third one told him,”I took that $5,000, invested it in the stock market, and the money doubled in value, so we could always have financial security.”

The friend says, “Wow, tough choice. Which one did you go with?”

The man replied, “The one with the biggest tits…”

 

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