Dave finally retires and decides to take a cross-country road trip. To make it more interesting, he's only taking local roads and promises himself to stop at every tourist stop, no matter how kitschy. After a couple weeks on the road, he's getting a little weary. Toward the evening, he sees a sign ahead, "Talking dog, ten bucks." Remembering his promise to himself, he pulls over, parks, and walks up to the old guy sitting on the porch. "Hey mister, I saw your sign. You really got a dog that can talk?" "Yep," says the old guy, "he's out back behind the shed. Help yourself." So Dave heads back behind the shed, looking around for hidden cameras, trying to figure out what the trick is. Not wanting to look stupid and get caught talking to a dog, he walks up to the dog and gives him a little kick. "OW! WATCH IT!" Says the dog. "HOLY SHIT! You can talk!" "Is that right?" says the dog. Stumbling and in shock, Dave asks the dog question after question. "Well, I was raised by a diplomat and traveled the world. I guess I was exposed to so many languages I just learned how to talk. Once my owner discovered I could speak, he'd leave me behind during meetings and I'd listen in to the other side then tell him what I heard. Later, I'd go on search and rescue missions and tell rescuers where to look. I even worked for the FBI undercover during sting operations." Dave was of course blown away. He ran back to the old guy on the porch. "Why in the world would you sell a talking dog for ten dollars?!!" The old man rocked back in his chair and said, "That old dog's the biggest liar! He never done half that stuff!"
Two kids are having fun wrestling behind a church. One grabs the other’s right arm, and puts his hand on the back of the first kid’s neck. “What do you call this’?” The second kid says. The first kid replies, “A half-Nelson?” The second kid then slips both hands under the arms, and then on the back of the neck of the first kid. “How about this?” he asks. “A full-Nelson?” the first kid says.. “Now, what about this?” asks second kid as he starts humping the first kid from behind. The first kid replies, “Father Nelson?”
