During an inspection, the GOC asked a young Lt "Son, what duties you have been assigned in the unit?" Lt: "Sir, I am the sexual adviser to the CO" There was a stunned silence all around. GOC in shock, asked, How? The Lt said. "Sir, the CO has told me, When I need your fucking advice, I will ask for it"
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectional hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and run to bathroom. Look at physique in the mirror and stickout your gut so you can complain and whine about how fat you are getting. Get in the shower. Look for face, arm and leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash your hair again with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition your hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cakebody wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure it all comes off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you have no water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with 'tilex'. Get out of shower. Dry with towel size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of zit. Attack with nails and tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom and then spend a hour and a half dressing. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your privates at her making the "woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have any pecs (no), scratch your privates. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Wait and then smell... Wash your private parts and surrounding area, leaving hair on the bar of soap. Shampoo (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left the curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to bedroom with towel wrapped around your waist. If you pass wife along the way, pull off your towel and shake your privates at her making the "woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.