Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Darlinboy
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"So, what brings you to Canada?" the bartender asked as he pulled yet another pint for the seemingly bottomless man sitting alone at the bar.

"Well sir," the man replied, "I was having a pint in my local pub back in Dublin when I noticed the coaster under my glass.

He paused for a moment, draining his mug and, motioning for another, continued, "Drink Canada Dry it read, so I thought - hell why not give it a go?!"
 
X350 XJR
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Irish Lubricant -

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said,

'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,

'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,

'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor,

'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said,

'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said,

'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph. and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said,

'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
 
X350 XJR
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A soldier deployed overseas receives a letter from his girlfriend...


Dear Alberto,

I can no longer continue this relationship.

The distance that separates us is too great.

I have to admit I've been unfaithful to you twice since you left and I don't think you or I deserve that, I'm sorry.

Please return the photo I sent you, with love,

Daniela -


The soldier, very wounded..., asked all his companions to offer him pictures of their brides, sisters, friends, cousins, etc.

Along with Daniela's photo, he included all these other photos that he had taken of his friends.

There were 57 photos in the envelope and a note that read:

Dear Daniela,

Forgive me, but I can't remember who you are.

Please look for your photo on the package and return the rest to me.
 
Charlemagne1333
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Psychiatrist: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “One half of me thinks I’m a tipi. The other other half thinks I’m a wigwam.”
“What’s wrong with me?”

Psychiatrist: “Nothing. You’re too tense.”
 
EuroDriver
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An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…"

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life.

Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, and grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks:

"So, what’s the catch?"
 
STANDY
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I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, "Do you need help?"



I said, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."
 
Tony C.
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“If he raced his pregnant wife, he’d finish third."

– Tommy Lasorda on his catcher, Mike Scioscia.
 
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