A young girl walks into the kitchen where her mother is making dinner. She asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

The mother says, “Well, honey, Daddy sticks his penis in Mommy’s vagina, and then you get a baby.”

The little girl seems to understand, but is still confused. “But the other night, I saw Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get then?”

“Jewelry,” the mother says.

 

Heard from a Detroit Free Press reporter a number of years ago Bob… probably an old joke…

“Most people believe Neil Armstrong said ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ when he took his first step on the moon. Well, I interviewed Neil a few years ago and he told me exactly what he said. He explained when he was younger he had lived next to Manny Kline and his wife in an apartment building with very thin walls. Manny was always trying to get a blowjob from his wife. One night she said ‘Manny, I’ll put that thing in my mouth when man walks on the moon.’ So, what I actually said on the moon was ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for Manny Kline’”. He never did say if she got jewelry out of it.

 

Or, what is the first sound you hear after 69?………….PTUI!

 

My wife moaned that I have never bought her flowers.

But then again, how did I know she sold flowers??!

 

Seems fair…

 

^ Sure, but how many?

 

A big city Philadelphia lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, “What will you have? “

The guy replies, “Make it a Scotch.”

The bartender says, “That will be $7.00,”” to which the guy retorts, “I don’t owe you anything.”

A lawyer on the next stool says, “He’s right, you know. In your original offer, which is binding upon acceptance, there was never any mention of the requirement of remuneration.”

Frustrated, the bartender says, “Okay buddy, you beat me for a drink this time, but you better never come in here again.”

The next day, the same guy walks in, and the bartender says, “You have some friggin’ nerve showing your face in here.”

The guy says, “What are you talking about. - I’ve never been here in my entire life.”

The bartender apologizes, and says, “Geez, I’m sorry, you must have a double.”

The guy says, “Make it a Scotch.”

 

So the limit is 412. OK.

 

MIL - How does it work then ?
ME - You need to step on the black button to start it , but you need to do it alone as it can be quite noisy .

 

Much more calorically-dense than I would have imagined…