As my mother used to say, be sure to clean the non-Jewish carrots thoroughly...or something like that.
"I got great news earlier today," Tony related to his friend Sam as they sat quaffing beers at the local bar, "but now my wife has got me all confused about it." "What in the world happened?" queried Sam. 'Well, I was getting my annual physical this morning, and my doctor told me I'm healthy enough masturbate as often as I like," replied Tony. "But," he took a sip of his beer and then continued, "My wife insists that's not what "You could have a stroke at any moment!" means."
Stop me if you've heard this.., Recently I've been training a new hunting dog. He's doing great so I invited a buddy to go duck hunting with me and the new dog. My buddy shows up at 5 am the next day. I send out the dog, make coffee, and tell him to relax until the dog comes back. The dog comes back, licks his balls, and lays down. I tell my friend, it's not time yet. 15 minutes later I send the dog out again. A little while later, the dog comes back, barks three times and runs in circles. My friend sees the dog and gets excited. Is it time to go, he asks. Not yet, I answer. There's a few ducks out there and more are coming but we gotta wait. 30 minutes later I send the dog out. This time he comes back and starts humping my buddies leg. Then the dog grabs a stick and starts shaking the shit out of it. My buddy says, what's up with your dog? I tell him it's time to go. The dog says there's more fucking ducks than you can shake at. Good dog.
A man goes to confessional and says to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing." "I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be very frustrating. Tell me what happened?" "Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth tee and it sliced to the right, into the trees." "Was that when you cursed?" The priest asked. "No Father, the ball bounced off a tree," the man continued. "But it bounced into a sandtrap." "And then you did it?" "No, I pulled out a sand wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled on to the green, hit a small dimple someone in a previous group hadn't fixed, then lipped the cup and stopped two feet away," he sighed. "Ah, so that was when you blasphemed," the priest nods. "No, Father, then I..." the man replies, shaking his head, but before he can continue... "Jesus Christ," the priest interrupts throwing up his hands, "You missed a God damned two-foot putt?!"