Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a watch.

HE decides what time it is.

Another one from mrs. P

I heard Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird…

"I once had a girlfriend with the same name as my sister," related Tony to his buddy Sam as they sat the the local bar hoisting a few beers.

"It was really awkward when I'd call out her name while we were having sex," he continued, stopping to take a long chug.

"Because then I'd get distracted and start thinking about my girlfriend."

Superman and Chuck Norris once bet on an arm wrestling match. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes.

https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geiger_counter.png

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A woman sought out one Dr. Ted S. Geisel for advice about enlarging her breasts.

Promoting a non-traditional (and somewhat unbelievable) approach, he told her, "I have a solution that is completely safe and involves no surgery or implants. Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say out loud, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

So, more than a little skeptical, but willing to give it a try, the woman performed this ritual every day faithfully. After several weeks, just as she was about to dismiss Dr. Geisel as a quack, lo and behold it worked! She grew a fantastic set, perfectly shaped and not too big or too small.

One morning she was running late for work and was already on the bus when she realized that she had completely forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new body and didn't want to risk going backwards so, quickly moving to a seat at the rear of the bus, she surreptitiously reached inside her blouse, rubbed her breasts and said aloud, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting a couple of rows ahead of her turned back in his seat to look at her and ask, "Ma'am, I couldn't help but overhear you. Do you go to Dr. Geisel by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do," the woman said blushing with embarrassment, "But how did you guess?"

"Hickory dickory dock," the man said with a wink and a grin.