Now come on, the pregnant man emoji wasn’t enough for you

 

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll ya have?"

The rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect!"

 

But what’s another word for Thesaurus?

 

On a hot summer day a penguin's car is overheating so he drives it to his mechanic.
The mechanic says "I'll have a look, come back in 20 minutes maybe I can tell you what the problem is".
So the penguin walks down the street and sees an ice cream stand, he orders a vanilla cone and eventually walks back to the garage.
When he gets back the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal".
The penguin wipes the corners his mouth and says "no, it's just vanilla ice cream".

 

I once tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention dressed as a doctor, but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy...

 

I think we all need our glasses for the news these days.... cheers and happy Saturday everyone.
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Everything in life is relative ...
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Rather topical in the USA at the moment.

 

And probably only Aussies will get this.

 

Woman brings a duck to vet.
Vet says, “Your duck is dead.”
Woman says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes”, says Vet.
“How can you be sure you've done no tests.”
Vet brings in a labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes his head.
Next, a cat which sniffs the bird and shakes its head.
Vet says, “Sorry, but as I said your duck is dead.” Vet hands woman a bill.
She cries, “$820 to tell me my duck is dead!”
Vet says, “If you had taken my word for it the bill would be $20 but lab reports and cat scans cost extra.”