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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. vitriol Mar 14, 2021

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    Stolen from the other forum :)


    The Brain Transplant


    HOSPITAL
    Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "-I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

    "-The only hope left for your brother at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain".

    The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "-How much will a brain cost?"

    The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

    The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.

    Another brother unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "-Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

    The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "-It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
     
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  2. Pun Mar 14, 2021

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    I thought reality showed otherwise...
     
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  3. Observer I know nothing! Mar 15, 2021

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    Stop me if this one’s already been told..,

    Why don’t watchmakers have much success with the ladies?
     
  4. RonJ Mar 15, 2021

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    Don't know. Maybe it's harder for watchmakers to UNWIND after work?

    .
     
  5. Observer I know nothing! Mar 15, 2021

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    Hmmm... that may be, but the answer is that they’re equipped with very small tools.
     
  6. GeorgeBailey2 Mar 16, 2021

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    AnEddie Murphy joke from Coming to America, in honor of the sequel:

    A man goes into a restaurant. The waiter comes over and he orders the soup.

    The waiter brings him the soup. The waiter goes on to other tables but notices the man waiving him down.

    "Yes sir?"

    "Taste the soup."

    "Is something wrong with the soup? Is it too hot? Too cold?"

    "Taste the soup."

    "Sir, I don't want to taste the soup, but if something is wrong, I will gladly help you."

    "Will you just taste the soup."

    "Ok, ok, I'll taste the soup.......where's the spoon?"

    "Ah-ha!"

    (he tells this in the barbershop and gets no response, so he repeats)

    "Ah-ha!"

     
    Edited Mar 17, 2021
  7. egri Mar 16, 2021

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    This one comes from my neighbor, who was on a destroyer during World War II. A kamikaze hit the bridge and he was the only survivor. I was talking to him one day and noticed that he was missing part of a finger, so I asked him if that was related to the kamikaze. He said "No, that was the Battle of the Yamaha." Yamaha is the company that manufactured his lawnmower.
     
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  8. Charlemagne1333 Mar 20, 2021

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    A man enters a jewellery shop...

    Man: “I’d like to buy a watch”
    Assistant: “Analogue?”
    Man: “No, just a watch”
     
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  9. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Mar 20, 2021

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    Steve was hanging out with his buddies, who were excitedly planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this because his wife wouldn't let him. Of course you can imagine the response of his buddies, and after a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home sad and frustrated.

    The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve already there. He was sitting on a log at the campsite with a cold beer, camping gear set out, fishing rod close at hand, and skillet of fresh trout sizzling on the glowing campfire.

    "Wait what?! How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" one buddy asked in amazement.

    “I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a shot of whiskey to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing with you guys.”

    “Then damned if my wife didn’t sneak up behind me,” he continued, “she covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise!’ When I peeled her hands back and turned around, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee looking sexy as hell. She said to me “I feel bad I said you couldn’t go fishing with your buddies, so I thought I would make it up to you. Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

    Steve paused for a long swig of his beer then threw his arms wide and grinned happily, “So, here I am!"
     
    Edited Mar 20, 2021
    Zdzislaw, GordonL, bubba48 and 2 others like this.
  10. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Mar 20, 2021

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    A man walks into a pre-owned watch shop advertising Rolex as the main focus. He browses around, spots a LNIB Cosmograph Daytona reference 116500LN with full kit. Eyes widening, he walks over to the case to inspect it more closely. As he bends over for a look, he inadvertently breaks wind rather loudly.

    Red with embarassment, he wheels around and glances nervously to see if anyone has noticed - praying no one has. As he turns back around, his worst nightmare materializes in the form of a beautiful sales rep standing right beside him.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the sales rep greets him politely, "Good day sir, may I help you find something today?"

    Still uncomfortable, but hoping that maybe she hadn’t been that close at the time of his little accident, he points to the LNIB Cosmograph Daytona 116500LN with full kit and asks, "What is the price of that one?"

    She cocks her head and answers with an amused smile, “Sir, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to absolutely shit when I tell you the price!"
     
    Edited Mar 23, 2021
    spaja, Zdzislaw, STANDY and 6 others like this.
  11. Pun Mar 20, 2021

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    I wonder if that "long swing at beer" would have had helped him facing the consequences when he went back home!
     
  12. Pun Mar 20, 2021

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    Just amazingly hilarious
     
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  13. Canuck Mar 20, 2021

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    When you get back, just leave her where she was when you went hunting, until you can come to terms!
     
  14. Pun Mar 20, 2021

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    You're asking the impossible dear..... She must be off the hook when you go back or your hooks would be off...
     
  15. Dr.Sascha Mar 22, 2021

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    (Best said out loud)
    A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into blood donation clinic.

    The nurse asks them: "What is your blood type?"

    The pastor says: "I'm a type B positive."

    The priest says: "I'm a type A negative."

    The rabbit looks confused for a moment, and then says: "I can't be sure, but I'm probably a type O."
     
    Edited Mar 23, 2021
  16. Dr.Sascha Mar 22, 2021

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    God was creating man, and the task was almost done when the archangel Michael came up to him and said: "Heavenly father, we've got all these extra bodies left, but we're right out of brains, we've put in the last of the hearts, and we've used up all the vocal chords."

    And God said: "Bugger it, we can't let good bodies go to waste. Sew 'em together as best you can, smack smiles on the faces and make 'em talk out of their arses."

    And lo, God created the Tory Party.
     
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  17. Tony C. Ωf Jury member Mar 23, 2021

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  18. egri Mar 23, 2021

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    An altar boy goes in for Confession, and he sits down across from the priest and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned; I slept with a girl in my grade at another school."

    The priest says "All will be forgiven. But for my own curiosity, who was it?"

    "Father, I promised her I wouldn't tell a soul. I don't even think she'd be comfortable with me telling you."

    "It wasn't Kathleen O'Reilly, from St. Mary's, was it?"

    "Father, she made me promise on my mother's grave not to tell."

    "Was it Sophia Lopez, from Holy Family?"

    "Father, I don't want her to get a reputation."

    "It couldn't have been Maria Fratelli, at St. Augustine's?"

    "Father, you don't understand how important it is to her that I keep this a secret."

    "Was it Emma Leblanc, from Sacred Heart?"

    "Father, she really doesn't want word of this to get around."

    The priest thought for a minute. Finally he said "I admire your dedication to your friend, but I can't let this transgression go unpunished. You are suspended from the altar guild for three months. Each night during your suspension, recite the Act of Contrition and pray the rosary before going to bed, and all will be forgiven. Now run along."

    The newly-suspended altar boy hops out of the church and crosses the street, where his friend is waiting for him. His friend asks "So what did you get?"

    "Three months of vacation and four good leads."
     
    Edited Mar 24, 2021
    mr_smith, Zdzislaw, Alpha and 11 others like this.
  19. Archer Omega Qualified Watchmaker Mar 24, 2021

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  20. Waltesefalcon Mar 24, 2021

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    What do you call a redhead who has a psychotic break?




    A ginger snap.
     
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