Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

vitriol

Stolen from the other forum 😀


The Brain Transplant

HOSPITAL
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "-I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"-The only hope left for your brother at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "-How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.

Another brother unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "-Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "-It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

Observer

Stop me if this one’s already been told..,

Why don’t watchmakers have much success with the ladies?

RonJ

Don't know. Maybe it's harder for watchmakers to UNWIND after work?

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Darlinboy

Steve was hanging out with his buddies, who were excitedly planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this because his wife wouldn't let him. Of course you can imagine the response of his buddies, and after a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home sad and frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve already there. He was sitting on a log at the campsite with a cold beer, camping gear set out, fishing rod close at hand, and skillet of fresh trout sizzling on the glowing campfire.

"Wait what?! How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" one buddy asked in amazement.

“I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a shot of whiskey to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing with you guys.”

“Then damned if my wife didn’t sneak up behind me,” he continued, “she covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise!’ When I peeled her hands back and turned around, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee looking sexy as hell. She said to me “I feel bad I said you couldn’t go fishing with your buddies, so I thought I would make it up to you. Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

Steve paused for a long swig his beer then threw his arms wide a and grinned happily, “So, here I am!"

Darlinboy

A man walks into a pre-owned watch shop advertising Rolex as the main focus. He browses around, spots a LNIB Cosmograph Daytona reference116500LN with full kit. Eyes widening, he walks over to the case inspect it more closely. As he bends over for a look, he inadvertently breaks wind rather loudly.

Red with embarassment, he wheels around and glances nervously to see if anyone has noticed - praying no one has. As he turns back around, his worst nightmare materializes in the form of a beautiful sales rep standing right beside him.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the sales rep greets him politely, "Good day sir, may I help you find something today?"

Still uncomfortable, but hoping that maybe she hadn’t been that close at the time of his little accident, he points to the LNIB Cosmograph Daytona 116500LN with full kit and asks, "What what is the price of that one?"

She cocks her head and answers with an amused smile, “Sir, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to absolutely shit when I tell you the price!"

Canuck

When you get back, just leave her where she was when you went hunting, until you can come to terms!