Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Can't stop laughing. Just love these kids

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!

Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds
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TEACHER: Joseph, go to the map and find North America .
JOSEPH: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Joseph.
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TEACHER: Wale, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
WALE: You told me to do it without using the tables.
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TEACHER: Adigun , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
ADIGUN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
ADIGUN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Rebecca , what is the chemical formula for water?
REBECCA : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
REBECCA: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Moses, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
MOSES: Me!
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TEACHER: Abraham, why do you always get so dirty?
ABRAHAM: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Peter , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
PETER: Because George still had the axe in his hand......

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TEACHER: Kehinde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
KEHINDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Femi, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
FEMI: A teacher
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*PASS IT AROUND AND* *MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!*
*LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

5. Variation Law
If you change checkout lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

I personally seen it at work many times on road during rush hour when you're in hurry.

A tradie is driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.

“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”

“I don’t just talk,” says the dog. “I have a double major in English and philosophy, I’m a qualified architect, a pretty handy mechanic and I also play the French horn.”

“I’ll take him!” says the tradie to the owner. “Just one question though: Why so cheap?”

“Meh,” says the owner with a dismissive wave of his hand. “He can’t do half the sh*t he says he can.”

To Release some stress amidst coronavirus

A man with a load of problems in his family life decided to go and consult a juju man or pundit.

The juju man told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sample of sand from his backyard.

So the man went back after two weeks came back with the sample of sand.

The juju man performed his rituals and said to the man....I don't know if you can handle hearing this.

The man said go ahead. I want to hear it.

The juju man said the two boys you have are not your sons, your daughter is sleeping with five different men and looks like your wife is pregnant from your younger brother. ‍♂‍♂‍♂

Yhe man started laughing .

The juju man asked him NOW why ARE YOU LAUGHING, after all this bad news.*

The man responded, I don't know if you can handle this. The juju man said go ahead.

The man said, I was running late and I forgot to bring the sand sample from my yard, so I dug out some from your compound.


The juju man fainted

ALL OUTSTANDING PRAYERS HAVE PRACTICALLY BEEN ANSWERED WITH THE LOCKDOWN

1. *Kids:*
I wish we had no school and could play all day.
- *Done*

2. *Women:*
I want the undivided attention of my husband.
- *Done*

3. *Husbands:*
I'm sick of this traffic,
I wish I could work from home.
- *Done*

4. *Working Moms:*
I wish I could spend some quality time with my kids and read.
- *Done*

5. *Students:*
I wish I had no exams.
- *Done*

6. *Old Parents:*
I wish our kids could spend more time with us rather than being busy everyday.
- *Done*

7. *Employee:*
I'm slogging too much,
I need a break.
- *Done*

8. *Employers:*
I have no life of my own, I wish I could relax.
- *Done*

9. *Earth:*
I can’t breathe, I wish I could get a break from all this pollution and chaos.
- *Done*

10. *Parents:*
When do we stop getting junk foods for our kids? We wish we could get some quality time for preparing quality food.
- *Done*

11. *Teens*
I wish weekends were longer than weekdays
- *Done*


*Beware of what you wish for —
You might just get it!*

A piece of tarmac walks into a bar, orders a pint and starts boasting about how tough he is. Shortly afterwards, a strip of concrete walks in. The barman asks the tarmac if he could beat the concrete in a fight. The tarmac snorts and says, “He’s a skate-park, no contest.”

Ten minutes later a wide strip of red asphalt walks in. The barman asks the tarmac the same question. “You’re having a laugh mate! He’s a bus lane, no problem,” the tarmac chuckles.

Another ten minutes pass and this time it’s a bulky black & white lump of concrete that enters the bar. “What about this guy??” says the barman. “Don’t waste my time,” says the tarmac. “He’s a zebra crossing, forget about it.”

The tarmac is just about to finish his drink when a thin strip of asphalt struts in. Suddenly shocked, the tarmac leaps over the bar and cowers beneath it, hiding at the barman’s feet. “What’s the matter with you??” he asks. “I thought you were the toughest one in here!”

“Those other guys, no problem,” whimpers the tarmac. “But this guy’s a fυcking cycle path.”

*This one is an absolute riot!!*

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a burly Sardarji who was standing behind her picked her up effortlessly by the waist and placed her gently on the steps of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the Good Samaritan and screeched,

" *How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!* "

The Sardarji smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my jeans three times,

*I kinda figured we were friends.* "