Nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. Good advice above. I’ve lost my parents and my in-laws. I wish you strength and perseverance for what is to come. Be there for him and if not already done, help him get his affairs in order. This was a great comfort to my father.

 

Steve, my prayers are with you all too. There's been some great advice here. Make memories, do mundane things together, take videos of him telling family stories, get your genealogy questions answered, treat him to special trips for his bucket list, document it all.

My father passed away in Dec 2007. From the time I was maybe 5 years old until 20 years later when I was 25 years old we had no contact. He'd been forced out of our lives by my mom's mother, and he went on to make a new life for himself halfway across the country. But when his second wife left him, we got in contact and tried to develop a relationship. In 1986 I was able to get a 6 week "externship" as a medical student where I could go to UCSF and work with the doctors there, and stay with my dad for the first time in almost 20 years.

For the next 20 years we got to know each other, but he lived in CA and I was in Texas and then Colorado, and we didn't get to see him much, except for a short stint where he came back to Texas and dated my mom again for about 6 months before he moved back to CA and before I moved to CO. We talked on the phone a lot, and at the end of the calls I would tell him "I love you", and he would say, "I know", or "Thanks". But about 2-3 years before he passed he would respond, "I love you too". He'd been hurt enough over the years to be wary about opening up his heart.

During that time I witnessed to him about my becoming a Jew for Jesus, and he put up with me while my mom, stepdad, and brother became believers. I suspect that my dad did too, but he couldn't say anything because of the rest of his family in CA. We flew him out to Colorado in 1992 for our wedding, and again in 2005 when we moved into a new house that summer and his granddaughter had a birthday. Between his visits to CO we took a trip to CA around and took him to Monterey to visit the aquarium and whale watch.

On his 3rd visit to Colorado in 2006 we did more things that he loved, like took a train ride through the Royal Gorge Railroad, and went out in a speed boat on Pueblo reservoir, and played with my kids. At the start of that trip he tried to die after climbing the stairs to go to bed the first night he was here, due to dehydration during the plane ride and his Afib going out of control. I had to do CPR to bring him back, and after 2 days in the hospital he was released so that we could do the boat ride and train ride. By the next year he was gone. He wanted his ashes spread on his favorite train tracks in CA (big train buff, none bigger than him), and I lost the address where his ashes were spread.

We made great memories together, even after being separated for 2 decades when I was growing up. But, I only have a couple of pictures of him with my family, and no videos - in 2006 when I last saw him, my smart phone was a Palm Treo or Kyocera 7135 Palm OS phone with crappy camera, and we'd forget the Kodak or Sony camera all the time. We had a digital HD camcorder that has long since died, and are not even sure where the tapes are or whether we have videos of him on the tapes.

So, make memories and take videos, spoil him and tell him that you love him, and if you are a believer then share the Word with him as well.

On the Royal Gorge Train during his July 2006 visit, on my middle daughter's birthday in fact.

 

Seems like you have a great relationship with your father, & that's all that matters.
Make what memories you can.

 

Hi, Steve.
I lost my Dad in June 2017 so it's not so long ago.
I wish I had asked him more of the family history that only he knows about because it's there in his head and not written down anywhere.
You see I started to write a family history book after my Dad passed away.
I found through a family member an interesting photo of my Dad in a Police runners uniform with my Grandad also in a Police officers uniform plus his brother in a Naval uniform and my Dad's older brother in a soldiers uniform.
Well! I was astonished by this photo but now there was no one left to ask the questions that I had that were bouncing around inside my head!
I would talk to your Dad and ask for his experiences in life, the things he has seen when he met your Mum where he met your Mum, what school did he go to where was his first job etc.
Get the photo albums out and reminisce about his good life.
Ask all of the trivial things where was he born (at home or in hospital) what was his birth weight.
Did he and your Mum have a long or a short courtship, where did they go to.
I can't ask my Dad and I wish I could and I now realise I should have asked more of what he and Mum and other family members did in life.
Do what you can for your Dad now but ask those questions that you will want to ask him when hes no longer there to ask.
Talk to him, make him laugh be by his side.
Our thoughts are with you at this time.
Joe and Vee.

 

Thanks for sharing the pictures and your story Larry.

To love and to be loved, that's the greatest thing ever experienced.

 

That sounds like it will be a great day out for both of you.
My only suggestion is to get a dash camera - pointed towards yourselves of course, and maybe record the rest of day and others to help you and your family remember and cherish these moments.

 

I am sorry to hear this. I lost my grandparents when I was away. To this day, I wish only if I had been with them and could have told them how much I loved them etc. Please spend as much time as you can with him, take leave from work. Make him feel better. Relive old memories. Tell him some of your future plans and ask his blessings. Hope you all have peace.

 

I'm not religious (in fact I'm an atheist), so I can't offer my prayers etc, so all I can say is what's in my heart when reading your post.

Cheer up Steve.

Once the grief has passed, you are going to have so many great memories of your Dad, and I wish I could see your face every time you remember one of them and have a smile, or even a laugh, and maybe a tear.

And importantly, keep up the cheery persona in your last few days, especially if you do the road trip.
I'm sure your Dad will pick up on your behaviour and join in, even though he knows, behind it all, that it's the end of the road.

So go for that drive, point to places you both remember and recount previous trips, and bullshit to each other about who was the better driver, who knew more about cars etc etc.

And if you can be with him at the end, just hold his hand and think how damn lucky you were to have been his Son.

PS: While my reply may seem flippant to some, I'll explain.

I'm a couple of years younger than your Dad and have similar issues with the Big C.
Last year I thought I had the bastard beat, but tests in January indicated that the little fucker had come back, so until this December I won't know how bad it is. Hopefully it can be zapped again with the big radiation gun and all will be well.

BUT!

Every morning when I wake up and think of my kids, when I have breakfast with my Darlin', when I hear the birds singing in the garden, when I go for a ride on my scoot, when I chat with my Son, Daughter, Grandsons and Grand Daughter on Facebook and Messenger etc, and when I finish the evening with a wee dram of fine single malt Scotch (as I'm doing now) I count that as another day that the horrible Big C hasn't affected my life.

 

You are an inspiration Jim. Beat the fucker once beat it again.

 

So sorry to hear such news.
Not quite the same, but I do understand your pain. I had a phone call at work saying my dad had an hour to live and we needed to be there. Trouble was I live in the UK and my parents had retired to Ireland. Luckily he was still alive when I got there. The doctors then carried on telling us that he would pass before the end of the day, not last the night etc etc. He actually lasted 9 months, and on the actual day he dies he was probably more healthy than he had been for years. But I digress.

In those early moments I just sat there, hardly daring to leave his side and I just talked. As this went on for few days Eventually I got books of things to read to him. After I while he was able to talk back we just shared memories and our love with him and the family. I guess what I'm trying to say is spend as much time as possible and try to find nice memories to share with him.

It was 9 months later that an embolism burst. I was glad that I had time to say my extended goodbyes, even though on his final day I was back in the UK. The worst of it was he had just been back to the hospital a few days prior, and they told him that they would schedule the operation in a couple of months. This was 20 years ago now, and it still hurts, but I can look back on those times in the hospital now with a sense of fondness.

My thoughts are with you.

 

I’m also sorry to hear that and my thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. My only counsel would be to not leave anything unsaid.

Both good and bad. It may seem churlish to think about the “unresolved “ things that exist in all of the relationships but you'll struggle if you don’t resolve them as well as sharing the good things that have happened between the two of you.

Good luck and don’t forget to make some time and space for yourself in the coming weeks.

 

Watched both my parents pass with cancer in their 60s

The little things are big things. My father it was paying for the TV in hospital so he could watch the rugby league like every Friday night at home. ( he didn’t want to let my mum pay as he hadn’t worked for a few months before he passed )
My mother it was making baked pumpkin risotto every night for the last few weeks before she passed because she couldn’t eat and didn’t like the food the doctors recommend.

Don’t miss the little things that he won’t ask for.

 

My father died in 2002, he was 63 years old (I was 29). He knew he was sick (leukemia) for a few months but didn’t tell us becuase he didn’t want our dememor towards him to change. Finally he had to decide to live out his days or fight it- he chose to fight and finally told us. He was a surgeon and shut down his medical practice in a week before going into the hospital ( handed off his patients to his partners). Having tended to patents his whole life, he knew what was in store for him even while being hopeful enough to undergo chemo and trying to fight it. He beat the cancer but died of a staff infection in the hospital.
There are no platitudes- when people said to me “oh, he’s in a better place”, I would smile and nod but inside I was saying “fuck you!! The better place is right here!!”. There is no making this easier on you, but you can make it easier on him.
My advise is to spend as much time with him as possible. Don’t take video, make a fuss or cast a shadow over your time with him- it will change his attitude and won’t allow him to be himself. If you want to have him share stories about his life, use the voice recorder on your phone (just set it down on the table in front of him) don’t overtly let him know he’s being recorded and just get him taking.
He already knows he’s dying, he doesn’t need the constant reminder. Hopefully allowing him to be himself with you, laugh and talk and cry, will give you and him some peace with what’s to come.
Be yourself, talk about the mundane, normal life events, what you would discuss 6 months ago with him- I know that’s what my father wanted.
Godspeed friend, this is the true suck.

 

We wish You & Your family sincere strength in these difficult times...
Twenty years ago, my father passed in a flash and I wished I could have spent a last night stargazing with him...

 

Very sorry to hear this. I was in the same situation one year ago.

A lot of the things that have been written above were and are important to me.

I do wish you all the strength needed for as long as you will need it.

 

Steve,

Nothing anyone can say to you will make the next few weeks any easier. Both my parents are now gone (my mum to the dreaded C word) and my wife's dad passed away 7 years ago today from the same disease.
All that can be done is to be as strong as possible when you are with him as although his body may be failing his mind will still be worrying more
about you guys than himself and the last thing people need in this situation is more worry.

In time you will be able to celebrate the time you had together and at the end of the day that is what counts the most.

 

Sorry to hear that

My father died four month ago...

I wish you and your loved ones manage to endure that

(Sorry if I chose the wrong terms, I'm no native english speaker...)

 

Steve,

Really sorry to hear about your father and his battle with cancer, you have my sympathies.

I lost my father when he was 76 to cancer, like your dad my father stood on the touchline and saw my youngest play in his teams cup final and loved every minute of it, he also saw his youngest grandchild christened although the subsequent party at the local pub was too much and he left early with my mum. It was only a few days after the christening that his health took a downhill turn, first to hospital then on to a hospice to live out his last few days.

What would I have said, oh, about a million things that I have thought about since he passed away none of which were in my mind when he still had the faculties to understand and converse. And that is my point, just talk, about the kids, about day to day stuff, if he is a sports fan discuss the sports he follows, whatever your father's interests were talk about those, tell him that you love him but most importantly be strong for him.

There's no magic formula and you will think of things that you should have told him before he passed away and kick your yourself for not doing so but please don't beat yourself up over it you cannot think of everything.

The main task is to ease his passing and make his last few days as enjoyable as is possible, it isn't easy but if the cancer follows a similar pattern to my fathers who spent more time asleep than he did awake near the end, and when he woke it was good to see a weak smile and a glint in his eye when he saw family around him, the nurses told us that the noise of hearing familiar voices was comforting to patients as although they were appearing to be asleep often they were just dozing and listening, so making a bit of noise is no bad thing.

At the very end my dad was on morphine to offset the pain he was in, when he finally passed away it was a relief as he had no quality of life, his suffering was over and he had been released, but when you sat there afterwards your goodbyes said, be happy as there is no more that you could have done.

The next few weeks are going to be very difficult for both you, your family and most importantly your father, just be strong and be there for him.

Martin.

 

I thank you and all for your prayers. God is good.

 

Very sorry to hear. Very sad news. We are all heading the same place but it’s always sad to see each other off. The only thing I can say is you can provide some comfort. Spend time with him. It’s going to be tough but you will get to show him how you feel, that doesn’t happen in many situations. God bless