Do the civil inadvertently enable the uncivil?

M'Bob · Sep 26, 2019

There are numerous examples of this I've seen, at the post office, in the gym, at the movie theater, etc., but this one happened today at Whole Foods. I often go there at lunch time, to pick up a few odds and ends at the deli counter.

The staff there is invariably friendly and cordial, except for one woman who's consistently brusque, unprofessional and condescending to customers - I've seen this multiple times.

Well today, she pulled that shit with me, and I took the high-road, and let it slide. Maybe she's unhappy at home, in her job...or maybe there's something else I'm not aware of. I noted this to a co-worker of her's off to the side, and was told, as I already knew, that she does this all the time, and I should complain to management.

But she's been there for years, pulling the same crap on a daily basis, and most likely the high-minded staff and customers have never really complained.

As I started to ruminate on this, it became apparent that maybe we are all enabling this behavior, by not calling it out. And I think it's a bogus move to go over her head, so next time in, if she does it again, I'm going to enlighten her, gently if I can, or with more edge if I can't, about how her behavior is unacceptable.

Have you seen similar scenarios, and how do you handle them?

BlackTalon · Sep 26, 2019

Definitely have seen it. In that scenario it would be best to mention it to the store management; saying anything directly to the person would probably make it worse. Ideally you would try to engage the person in some light-hearted banter, and maybe get them to smile, etc. And if that did not work the next time I went I would revert to my normal self and start messing with them 😁 Go back and forth on how much cheese you want sliced, on the thickness, etc. Add something to your order once she has it all done and is about to see who is next in line, etc. ::stirthepot::

Canuck · Sep 26, 2019

My circumstances were a bit different, but I used reverse psychology on a kid who was bullying our son, and being a total smart a$$ with me. Daring me to do something about his bullying. I fixed him, but good! Butter wouldn’t have melted in my mouth as I effectively put him in his place, and ended the bullying, and his smart a$$ attitude with me.

M'Bob · Sep 26, 2019

Canuck
My circumstances were a bit different, but I used reverse psychology on a kid who was bullying our son, and being a total smart a$$ with me. Daring me to do something about his bullying. I fixed him, but good! Butter wouldn’t have melted in my mouth as I effectively put him in his place, and ended the bullying, and his smart a$$ attitude with me.

Sounds interesting. Any details?

Canuck · Sep 26, 2019

Well, the kid I refer to and our son were in a junior boy’s choir. Rehearsals and performances were where the bullying happened. We didn’t know how to handle it, other that to consider pulling our son out of the choir. Whenever we were in the presence of this kid, (a wealthy man’s spoiled brat), he would gush all over us, being excessively friendly, to the point where we shunned him, entirely. He was DARING us to do something about the bullying. Until, one day, I got tired of the gushing and excessively friendly routine from the kid, so I retaliated and gushed all over him, friendly in excess, and persisted, following him for several minutes. Gushing, bubbling effervescently, feigning friendship and interest in him, his life and activities. To the point he was so glad to get away from me that he turned his back and walked away. That ended the bullying and the smart a$$ attitude!

Wetworks · Sep 26, 2019

Wouldn't let it trouble me beyond the moment, tbh. I yearn to have so unfettered a life where the actions of someone I barely know have this kind of effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I get set off about people's lack of civility or decorum at times, but I either call them out on it immediately or I let it go. I definitely don't recommend ruminating on it, there are far more important/worthwhile things for that kind of thought.

Vercingetorix · Sep 26, 2019

Canuck
Well, the kid I refer to and our son were in a junior boy’s choir. Rehearsals and performances were where the bullying happened. We didn’t know how to handle it, other that to consider pulling our son out of the choir. Whenever we were in the presence of this kid, (a wealthy man’s spoiled brat), he would gush all over us, being excessively friendly, to the point where we shunned him, entirely. He was DARING us to do something about the bullying. Until, one day, I got tired of the gushing and excessively friendly routine from the kid, so I retaliated and gushed all over him, friendly in excess, and persisted, following him for several minutes. Gushing, bubbling effervescently, feigning friendship and interest in him, his life and activities. To the point he was so glad to get away from me that he turned his back and walked away. That ended the bullying and the smart a$$ attitude!

Eddie Haskell?

Archer · Sep 26, 2019

Wetworks
Wouldn't let it trouble me beyond the moment, tbh. I yearn to have so unfettered a life where the actions of someone I barely know have this kind of effect on me. Don't get me wrong, I get set off about people's lack of civility or decorum at times, but I either call them out on it immediately or I let it go. I definitely don't recommend ruminating on it, there are far more important/worthwhile things for that kind of thought.

Exactly. Don’t let them have your mind...

The Father · Sep 26, 2019

I always go with “what’s your fυcking problem”

Evitzee · Sep 26, 2019

As an 'oldster' I've noticed that civility has gone downhill over the last 20 years or so. I chalk it up to the idea that everyone is special and they have to be catered to, even at the expense of everyone else. It's the Self Esteem Movement, aka 'everyone gets a trophy'. I ignore them as much as possible.

Dan S · Sep 26, 2019

@M'Bob, you're probably right, most kind and decent people prefer to avoid confrontation, and that enables mean and unpleasant people. But I have lived for almost 20 years now in a place where people are generally friendly and polite, so I just don't have those unpleasant experiences very often anymore. And in turn, I think it has gradually made me into a more generous and forgiving person. When driving, I am the person who will invariably make room for people to change lanes in front of me. Why not?

I don't think you could pay me enough to move back to Boston.

CaptainWinsor · Sep 26, 2019

As a youth soccer ref, I’ve seen it all in the short time I’ve done it. Last week it was the 15 year old girls and their coach. Both teams referred to each other as chicks and bitches with a C word thrown in. The coach set a great example by constantly harassing me about everything. He told his girls to do what they wanted since I wouldn’t call it anyway. After the game I lost my cool and told him where to go and reported him to my assignor. Usually it’s the parents. It always amazes me how people will talk to you because it’s in a sports setting. It’s like that’s gives people free reign to be abusive to coaches refs and players.

Tv Video games and a lack of parenting has made them this way.

michael22 · Sep 27, 2019

I avoid confrontation, because I end up looking like the dick half the time. I would find a different shop, or make sure I wasn't served by cranky lady.

Rochete · Sep 27, 2019

I generally don't care really if such people are nice and polite as long as I get what I want the way I want it. Nice and polite is good but smiles are not what I walk in a store for, and I really have no time or interest in educating random people. If I don't get what I want the way I want it I would normally prefer going to similar nearby establisment, if there is no other convenient option I would take action first with concerned person, if no adequate response with manager. All on the spot, I wouldn't want to lose one second of mind-time about it after I leave establishment.

Tony C. · Sep 27, 2019

Dan S
@M'Bob, you're probably right, most kind and decent people prefer to avoid confrontation, and that enables mean and unpleasant people. But I have lived for almost 20 years now in a place where people are generally friendly and polite, so I just don't have those unpleasant experiences very often anymore. And in turn, I think it has gradually made me into a more generous and forgiving person. When driving, I am the person who will invariably make room for people to change lanes in front of me. Why not?

I don't think you could pay me enough to move back to Boston.

You reminded me of a trip that I took to Toronto many years ago. I was driving a rental car on a freeway, clicked the turn-signal on, and was shocked to see those driving in the adjacent lane slow down immediately to accommodate me. Whoa! I thought. We certainly aren't in Big City USA anymore, Toto. 😁

STANDY · Sep 27, 2019

Get a boat, there is a unwritten rule that you wave to everyone on the water whilst fishing.

Mates from down south can’t believe people stop to see if your OK even if your just getting a drink out of the esky ( cooler for others not in Australia ) when your towing a boat.

JimInOz · Sep 27, 2019

I was at a queue in a clothing store a couple of years ago and the cashier was having a bad day, and it wasn't even all that busy.
Just nasty looks at everyone and snatching money/cards and screaming "NEXT!"
I got to the checkout and she rang up my jeans and I said "Oh hang on, I just need XXXXX!" and rushed off and grabbed armfulls of expensive jeans and shirts and went back. She started to grin as she racked up all of the items and I said"Oh hang on" again and she gave me the most fake sucky smile as I went to get more expensive stuff.

I think she's still waiting for me to come back to the checkout.

jsducote · Sep 27, 2019

M'Bob
As I started to ruminate on this, it became apparent that maybe we are all enabling this behavior, by not calling it out. And I think it's a bogus move to go over her head, so next time in, if she does it again, I'm going to enlighten her, gently if I can, or with more edge if I can't, about how her behavior is unacceptable.

Have you seen similar scenarios, and how do you handle them?

IF I were to say something, either to her or to management, I would try my hardest to phrase it as concern for the individual. "You know, I've noticed that you/she always seem/s unhappy. Is everything alright?"

The Father · Sep 27, 2019

CaptainWinsor
As a youth soccer ref, I’ve seen it all in the short time I’ve done it. Last week it was the 15 year old girls and their coach. Both teams referred to each other as chicks and bitches with a C word thrown in. The coach set a great example by constantly harassing me about everything. He told his girls to do what they wanted since I wouldn’t call it anyway. After the game I lost my cool and told him where to go and reported him to my assignor. Usually it’s the parents. It always amazes me how people will talk to you because it’s in a sports setting. It’s like that’s gives people free reign to be abusive to coaches refs and players.

Tv Video games and a lack of parenting has made them this way.

There is ZERO respect for people in authority now. ZERO NADA ZILCH NONE.

I am talking just about here in AMERICA. The rest of the world may be a different story.

The more I think about it, the more torqued I get.

We all know who is to blame, but don't want to open that can of worms.

JwRosenthal · Sep 27, 2019

I would have issue with it as well, but agree with those who say let it go when you leave the store.
If the negative attitude were done in my presence I would simply say something to the affect of "excuse me, have I done something to offend or bother you?" It will be met with a startled or defensive response, but you can make it about you and not about her. At that point you can kindly and objectively state that you have noticed that her attitude tends to be brusk or hostile when you are there and if you have done something to offend her, you would like to have an opportunity to address it.

Do the civil inadvertently enable the uncivil?

M'Bob

BlackTalon

Canuck

M'Bob

Canuck

Wetworks

Vercingetorix

Archer

The Father

Evitzee

Dan S

CaptainWinsor

michael22

Rochete

Tony C.

STANDY

JimInOz

jsducote

The Father

JwRosenthal

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