64Wing has a thread in Other Watch Forums that triggered a nostalgic recollection;

"doing my best at the start of my next aging decade to be the type of man to admit he doesnt know some things."

I have often said " that my father became extremely wise after my 20th birthday."
As my Father declines due to advanced kidney disease I am struggling to come to grips with his decline. He has his faculties and that is good, I think. My uncle did not have all his faculties and in the end and it seemed that was kind of a blessing.
Please share your thoughts.

 

I was 40 before I realised my Dad was right when he preached: "Why do we waste the youth on the young". How true

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this, it’s never easy to watch someone suffer, let alone someone we remember as strong and virile.
I lost my father to leukemia when I was 29, he was 63- way too young it seems as I am rapidly approaching the age he was when he died. I remember being at odds with him many times, his words that always bristled the hair on my neck “fine James, do it your way- you always do anyway” still can shake me when someone says something similarly. His decline was fast- from diagnosis to death was 3 months, enough time to quickly scuttle his medical practice and check into the hospital for treatment- and in the end he lost.
It was enough time for me to tell him how much l loved him, how much he meant to me, and for him to let me know he was proud of my life choices, despite not always being able to show it.
I realize now that he had always been smarter than me-in some ways. What he lacked in his ability to emote and deal with a sensitive child, he made up for in his consistent efforts to try share his brand of love and knowledge with me. It took me being able to know him, not him me, for me to realize that although flawed, he was a man of great depth and intellect.
From him, I learned many lessons, story telling and comedic timing, grace under pressure, problem solving on the fly, and the ability to be self aware and emotive- the last two he lacked.
Spend as much time with your father as you can- get to know more about him, share more about yourself. The time for pretense is over- just be loving.

 

People are not always at their best towards the end, but that should not diminish their memory. When I remember my father, I try to think of earlier times. At the later stages it was not my place to judge him, just to do my best to support him.

 

I always knew my dad was wicked smart. He was very well read, and had an opinion about everything. He was Google before Google existed. He knew everything. Sometimes his overbearing opinions weren't welcome, but generally I was happy to hear what he thought even if I didn't agree. One of the things I miss most is bouncing ideas off of him and hearing his thoughts.

He was really good at chess and I never came close to beating him when I was younger. I went a long stretch of not playing chess with him, and in the last two or so years of his life I beat him soundly. Sadly, his mental focus had gone down, and I don't know if I ever got good enough to truly beat him.

As a parent I see him in me. In many ways I don't live up to the standard he set, in other ways I exceed it. I have come to realize how difficult parenting really is, and how we are all so very much imperfect. He suffered from heart failure for nearly 15 years, so we had a long time prepare for the end. Writing and sharing his eulogy was a very valuable and precious experience for me.

I am not sure if I helped you all, but thank you for letting me ramble.

 

Well JWR's post popped up just before I finished mine, and I decided to scrap a bit of what I wrote. So I'll skip the past and just talk about the present. My dad has been living at my house the last 8 weeks after having a health issue. He turned 79 a few days after he got out of the hospital. He and his 2nd wife divorced about 7 years ago.

Frankly my wife and I have -zero- idea how my dad has made it through life to this point. Despite living on his own for 15+ out of the last 35 years he almost no life survival skills. He cannot cook or clean, can't grocery shop, etc. We are trying to push him out of the nest and get him back to his apartment (less than a week after his health issue he was literally better than he has been in years). He has had to change his diet, which means he cannot eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at the restaurants near his apartment any more.. He has to learn how to cook at least some basics, and my wife has been trying to teach him for the last 5 or so weeks. But he fights it, and when we leave it for him to fend for himself occasionally for breakfast or dinner he does the opposite of everything he has been shown. But I stopped jumping in to bail him out -- he needs to learn, as he likely has a handful of years left where he should be fully capable of living independently.

His work and education drive definitely had a positive impact on me. His inability to actually relate to kids, etc. when I was growing up also had an impact on my -- for that aspect of life I have strived to be a lot more present for my son, and to treat him like a person rather than a little annoyance.

Having kids while still in college definitely made his life difficult, and he did all he could to be sure his family was supported financially. But he made it into his 40s with never having to try to iron a dress shirt himself, and into his 79s with never having learned to use a vacuum.

It was only after my son was around 2 that my dad moved to where he was close enough to come over weekly. He has a blast with my son, and my son loves the one day. weekend of outing. But as far as my wife and I are concerned we are definitely spending quantity time with him right now and not a lot of quality time.

 

Thanks for sharing @JwRosenthal, I am glad you had an opportunity for some closure. My mom died when I was 14, and I was 42 when my dad passed. We have to cherish and appreciate every moment. Both my parents are very much alive in me, and all the people they loved and nurtured in life. They were both teachers and had an impact on many.

 

@BlackTalon it sounds like a challenge, but I think you are on the right path. Extreme gender roles of the past can sure leave a man with no domestic skills. The same thing happened to my grandpa after my grandmother passed. It took him a while, but he figured things out. One thing that really helped him was getting a little dog. It really helped him live independently.

 

Both of my parents became a lot smarter as I grew older. They were great and I miss them every day. They actually started my Omega obsession by giving me a brand new 1976 Speedmaster Professional 145.022 for my high school graduation. My father was a pilot and always wore his 105.012 which my older brother still has.

 

I think my dad finally wised up when I reached my early 20's.. Prior to that, he had some strange Ideas.
I'm unsure how he changed, but I benefit from his teachings everyday... Thanks Dad !!!

 

The fool thinks he is a wise man. The wise man knows himself to be a fool.
My grandfather, when he was dying of cancer, made me learn the poem ' If' off by heart. He knew I would have it hard in life. ( On my my mother's side, Birmingham man). I didn't get on with my dad growing up until he came home from work early one day and I was on xtc. Since then we get on well

 

My father is pushing 80, and has mellowed out a lot. The fire he had in his 50s and 60s - constantly argumentative, passionate about politics, reading endlessly, going on weeks-long backpacking excursions - has been replaced by this chill guy who's happy to spend time with his grandkids, putter in the garden, and enjoy more chocolate than I thought humanly possible. At first I despised him for giving up some vital part of himself, but now I feel terrible for thinking that way - what could be better in old age than to be content? I think I am just realizing he is mortal, and that's a hard thing to think about your parents. I'm not sure it's a question of smarter, or even wiser, but my dad is doing just what he wants to do, and I can't help but admire that.

 

My father passed away when I was twenty-two. He was seventy at the time, having had his two children at a relatively advanced age of fourty-five and forty-eight respectively. He always seemed to be a bit out of synch with life because of the age difference; he had experienced WWII as a kid and grew up in a vastly different time. While most of my friends went to their grandparents to hear about that era, I got stories from him about food rationing and about singing songs about how Hitler dressed up in women's clothes and running away from German soldiers immediately after.

He took early retirement when he was sixty and everyone (himself included) expected that he would spend the time drawing, painting and acting out his other creative passtimes. Instead he seemed to be more forgetful, losing interest in his hobbies and generally not getting a whole lot out of his time, which in retrospect made me sad and angry with him,

Nine years after his retirement he had a seizure which had him hospitalised. Scans showed a large brain tumor which the doctors said had been growing slowly for about ten years, affecting his a lot of his mental faculties. This came after a year of (succesful) cancer treatment and surgery so there was no surprised that the procedure of removing the tumor left him further weakened. A month after his last check-up scan he had another seizure and he was hospitalised yet again. The scans showed another tumor, this time it had grown to be as big as the last one in only one month and surgery was impossible in his weakened state. A week after he passed away.

He grew up in a poor working class home and got a craftsman's training and a good work life, my mother and him creating a life for our familiy that was stations above what he had known himself as a kid. He was an artistic, well-read and knowledgable man, despite his humble education. Half a year prior to his death I asked him if he was sorry for not persuing an academic career (at that time I didn't realise that the possibilities we have now were unheard of at that time and that getting a steady income was a priority early in your life) and he didn't answer - he just looked ahead, eyes unfocussed and deep in thoughts it seemed. I feel terrible for asking him that now, being oblivious to the hard choices he had made and the sacrifices he had done. I really would have loved to have him see my children and having them experience one of the funniest and loving persons I have known.

I don't think I perceive him as being "wiser" now than I did then, but I think that reflecting on the life he lead and seeing some of his character traits bubble up to the surface of my own personality has made me a better person. Certainly a more forgiving one.

 

For those with parents still living: just call and say I love you. Put aside all your bullshit reasons not to, and just call.

For those with parents already departed: they knew.

 

My dad is the best dad in the world. Because he is the only dad I have ever had. He has is his faults as do we all, but he did his best and tried to be a better father to his children, than his father had been to him. I don’t think you can ask for more than that.

 

^ From another thread.

Learned a lot from him just talking as a kid from about 8 following him on the way to work. Find I sound like him more and more every day.

For someone that left school at 12 he was as smart as anyone but life smart like no doctor or lawyer his age would ever be. Played A-grade Rugby, Tennis below Davis Cup, hit off 3-4 in golf....
Had the extreme talent of being able to get anyone to do something even if they didn’t want to or couldn’t. Watched men that had worked for him 30 years prior still drop over act like he was still their boss.

 

I would say my Father did not always get things right. But I sometimes recall events and cross check his age then compared to mine now.
Your Dad is always your Dad - but can also be young and inexperienced. Parenting and life is a tough journey to navigate and we all develop and change. He did pretty good and always tried to look out for me - you cant ask for too much more.

 

Still unpacking my relationship to my dad 11 years after he died. He was a physics PHD from two of the highest places, degree and post doc, one could acquire such credentials, so report card time was fraught. I was always an indifferent student. (Probably had ADHD since my son does) Six kids on a professor’s salary meant that money was always tight. He came from a rather joyless upbringing, my grandparents were very Calvinistic, so to us kids he was never very warm and fuzzy and had a temper. ( This was not the case in public however, where he cracked bad jokes, puns and flirted shamelessly) My sibs and I have concluded the marriage to my mom was never great and why they had six of us is a mystery. Through he tended to regard us as an indentured work force, I learned a lot from him, including mechanical skills and eventually, my work ethic. As the eldest, we butted heads constantly (I did the same with my grandfather). I wasn’t buying into the “no fun allowed” crap. Still our relationship improved over the years and he asked me to manage his affairs as he was dying of cancer. This gave us a chance to connect in a way we never had before. My advice to our younger members, when you have kids, try to channel the best of your dad and be aware of his flaws so you don’t pass them on to the next generation. Debriefing with my kid recently, he said I did OK.

 

This is a lovely thread. Let me say my bit before I start drinking later.

So I won't say wiser, but I would say he grew mellower. Very much an excellent person. His send off when he went about 20 years ago was legendary. So much so a song was published about it (see below). A friend once quipped, "Say what you like about Tony, he threw an excellent wake".

He was very much admired, and is still lionized quite a bit by those who don't remember first hand his temper and his drinking. I remember those vividly, and think it's important to acknowledge that. But in truth the balance of my memories are overwhelmingly positive and fond.

One anecdote I think illustrates the kind of man he was. He'd drink a few pints three or four times a week. Often alone on weeknights, and always with a poetry or philosophy book. One pub 'Madigans' - which if you're familiar you'll know is connected to Kilbarrack shopping center and a very long way from the nearest Omega boutique. Anyway it used to be that the fire exit emptied into said shopping center, and the doors were always chained up with a padlock. And it was a wink and a nod when anyone mentioned it.

When this state of affairs dawned on the Da he says to Tommy Madigan, "You have to sort that". Tommy says, "Sure the drunks will be pissing in the shopping center if I take the padlock off. It's more trouble than it's worth". To my nose Kilbarrack Shopping Center always stank of piss in any case. Still does. But that is bye-the-bye.

Anyway the Da says to Tommy, "If the padlock doesn't come off I'm going to object to your pub license renewal when it's due". And sure enough at the next pub license renewal process he objects. All the while he continued to drink in Madigans until he moved back down the country years later.

Madigans sorted the fire exit situation after that. I can't remember if it was shortly before or shortly after a fire in the Stardust nightclub killed 48 young people less than a mile up the road.

 

God, I wish I’d had a decent father. Mine was an abusive asshole who only got worse with age. I spent most of my life trying to get through to him, to feel loved and accepted by him, to have a peaceful relationship. Not possible.

He was a cheat and a liar. He could be charming and disarming, but he could also create a scene if he got angry or say amazingly cruel things. He used to tell my mother the details of his cheating on her. He continued to bring alcohol into the house even though my mother had become an alcoholic, because she was easier for him to deal with when she was drunk. My mother died at 58 and he lived another 25 years.

By the time he finally passed, he’d alienated all of us, including every single grandchild. Thank goodness it didn’t fall to me to take care of him in his dotage. He was an ugly human being all the way to the end.

I have no fond memories. None. So, I envy you guys.