You're right. This can't be real.

 

Should reply he just has to organise a trip to Chernobyl and that fixes the lume

 

Fun fact -- my wife attended a camp within 3 miles of the place in her youth -- just a couple years after the incident. The 'party line' is the officials who organized/ ran the camp did not know the radiation could be dangerous.

 

?

 

I used to go out with a girl who was a twin. People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Oh well I’d say that’s easy, Katy paints her nails pink, and Steve has a dick!

 

The pub was pretty wild last night.
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.

 

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells:

-What are you doing!?

-Aren't we...? Going to do the donkey thing?

-We're going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women.

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. “If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?”

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

“Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?” the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. “I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle.”

 

I had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night...

Thanks daylight savings

 

Not a joke, but interesting....one sentence, 7 different ways of pronoucing 'ough'. English, what a language.

 

Stolen from elsewhere:
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."



The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door

 

This traveling salesman gets a flat tire in the middle of farm country, so he walks to the nearest farmhouse to ask to use the phone. When he knocks on the door, a beautiful young woman opens and he explains his predicament.

She says "You'll have to go out to the barn and ask my husband". So he goes around back and enters the barn.

After looking around for several minutes for any sign of life, he hears a noise in the back corner. Upon examination, he sees the farmer with a sheep, going at it with vigor.

He says "My God, you've got such a beautiful wife back in the farmhouse and you have to be doing it with a sheep?"

The farmer replies "You don't realize, a sheep is the peak of sexual experience; you haven't lived until you try it".

After much cajoling, the salesman agrees but then stares at his sheep for several minutes, not getting aroused at all".

He says to the farmer "I just don't see what you do in a sheep, I'm not feeling a thing".

The farmer looks the the salesman's sheep and says "No wonder, you picked the ugliest one in the flock".

 

A friend of mine got really pissed at me because I sniffed his sister's panties.

I don't know if it was because she was wearing them or because the entire family was watching.

Either way, it made for an awkward funeral.

 

So, this Southern Belle and this Jewish American Princess are both in the maternity ward, each about ready to pop, and on opposite sides of the room.

The Jewish American Princess says "This will be my third child, how many have you had?"

The Southern Belle replies "This 'ill be my second".

The Jewish American Princess says "When I had my first child, my husband Paul, who's very, very wealthy, bought me a new Mercedes.

The Southern Belle says "Well, that's nice".

The Jewish American Princess says "And when I had my second child, my husband Paul, who's very, very wealthy, bought me a five carat diamond ring".

The Southern Belle says "Well, that's nice".

The Jewish American Princess says "Now that I'm having my third child, my husband Paul, who's very, very wealthy, bought me a vacation condo on the waterfront".

The Southern Belle says "Well, that's nice".

The Jewish American Princess says "When you had your first child, what did your husband buy you?"

The Southern Belle says "Well, when I had my first chil', my husband Jimmie, bought me a week long course at the finest finishin' school in all o' Georgia".

The Jewish American Princess asks "Finishing School, what's that for?"

The Southern Belle says "Well, before I went to finishing school, I used to say 'Who gives a fuck'. Now I say 'Well, that's nice'".

 

That's very funny, but the dialect would be more authentic if every place the Southern Belle said "Well, that's nice" she said "Well, bless your heart" instead.

 

Yeah, when I tell it, I have a good nasally Jewish American Princess accent and a nice drawl for the Southern Belle. When I first heard it, the catchphrase was "Fantastic" but it seemed out of place so I did my best. I'll change it to your suggestion if I remember it.

On that note, I've got another that does well when I voice it:

My rendition of Mickey Mouse in divorce court:

"But I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy".

I've got a great Mickey Mouse, but it was even better twenty years ago when I could hit higher notes.

Thanks for the advice.

 

Q: Why did the scientist drop a wrist watch into his flask?

A: He was looking for a timely solution.

 

A young policeman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"License and registration, please."

" I don't have them. I stole this car," said the woman.

""You stole the car?"

"Yes," she said."And I killed a man and stuffed his body in the trunk."

"Really," the cop said. "Do not move - I will be back shortly."

The policeman goes to his vehicle and calls for back-up; in a few minutes, his supervisor arrives, and he approaches the car cautiously.

"Your license and registration now," he says.

She takes both out and hands them to the officer. "Certainly, sir."

"Now, pop the trunk if you wouldn't mind."

"Of course," she says. The trunk opens, he takes a look to find nothing inside. He goes back to the front of the car.

"The other officer told me you didn't have any ID, that you stole the car, and that you had a body in the trunk."

"Ha ha!," she laughed. "I bet he told you I was speeding too!"